Shanna and Noah are making monkey noises back and forth. And he is encouraging her silly faces. I feel like such a stick in the mud. 🙂
I plead my back hurting. I need to figure out a better nursing position.
so silly
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Monthly Archives: May 2008
Pictures!
There are more! Go look: http://pics.livejournal.com/rightkindofme/gallery/0000c4gt
w00t! I is smart!
I was reminded that SJSU posted grades (Thanks Mitrian).
I got an A- in criticism and a B+ in genre studies. Yay! Considering how very little effort I put into the classes I am thrilled. 🙂 This ensures that my GPA is high enough to earn an MA. (Not that I was actually worried…) Now I need to study for a comp exam and study Spanish some more so that I can pass a written translation. I’m really rusty on Spanish, but I figure this is doable.
The cute!!
This morning I have been playing music for Shanna and singing along. Mostly she is just very intently looking at me. Then I got to Cher, the “Believe” album, which is very techno. She started swinging her arms like mad and squeaking with glee. It was ridiculously cute. 🙂
At some point I will get back to blogging about things other than the cuteness of my daughter. But for right now I am sitting on my bed playing with, holding, and feeding my daughter all day. Yeah… I just don’t have anything else going on. We’ll see how things go once I heal from birth.
Much yay at our house
I’m totally babbling. You don’t need to read this if you are not interested in baby squee.
Continue reading
This is interesting to me.
Infant Primates Given Vaccines On U.S. Children’s Immunization Schedule Develop Behavioral Symptoms Of Autism
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/107989.php
A primate model for autism using the U.S. children’s immunization schedule was unveiled at the International Meeting For Autism Research (IMFAR) this weekend. The research underscores the critical need for studies into vaccine safety and the immune and mitochondrial dysfunction of autistic children. The National Autism Association (NAA) questions why the government hasn’t undertaken these vital studies and why researchers have had to depend on private money to perform this critical science that will surely impact the health of millions of children worldwide.
While the authors and organizations associated with this study are withholding comment until publication, University of Pittsburgh’s Dr. Laura Hewitson, Ph.D., described at the IMFAR meeting how vaccinated animals, when compared to unvaccinated animals, showed significant neurodevelopmental deficits and “significant associations between specific aberrant social and non-social behaviors, isotope binding, and vaccine exposure.”
Researchers also reported at the scientific meeting that “vaccinated animals exhibited progressively severe chronic active inflammation whereas unexposed animals did not” and found “many significant differences in the GI tissue gene expression profiles between vaccinated and unvaccinated animals.” Gastrointestinal issues are a common symptom of children with regressive autism.
NAA calls for the NIH to conduct large scale, non-epidemiological studies into the biomedical symptoms surrounding young children and all vaccines, including those containing the mercury-based preservative thimerosal and other additives like aluminum.
This request for further research echoes that of Dr. Bernadine Healy, Former NIH Director in a CBS interview earlier this week. “I think public health officials have been too quick to dismiss the hypothesis as ‘irrational,’ without sufficient studies of causation… without studying the population that got sick,” Healy said. “I have not seen major studies that focus on 300 kids who got autistic symptoms within a period of a few weeks of the vaccines.”
Recently the government’s vaccine court conceded the case of Hannah Poling, admitting that vaccines triggered her regression into autism by exacerbating mitochondrial dysfunction. “The recent Poling case and this new research provide further evidence that the CDC has fallen down on their job to protect children from harm. The biomedical research to date suggests that parental reports of regression following vaccination is not only plausible, but likely in certain individuals,” said Scott Bono, NAA Chairman. “To date, the CDC has conducted no safety testing on the possible harmful effects of simultaneously administering multiple vaccines to infants, and has steadfastly refused to state a preference for mercury-free vaccines to be given to children and pregnant women. It’s time for HHS and Congress to step in and take vaccine safety away from the CDC.”
Whoa
In the past four days I have lost 16 pounds. Granted, 8 of that is Shanna… but still! My Weight Watchers trained brain boggles. I’m 6 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. But my body sure looks different. 🙂
Things I want to remember
The first triage doctor we saw asked me, “So what brings you here today?” In tears I responded, “I want an epidural.” Luckily, she went away and we didn’t have to deal with her again. We didn’t have another person that dumb the whole time in the hospital.
Our baby is apparently an over-achiever on pooping and peeing. I’m going to say that comes from my side. 😉
Sleeping with her on my chest is way easier and better than I thought it would be. And she can go from awake and fussing to deeply asleep with only three strong sucks on my nipple. That’s incredible.
Noah continues to astound me with his awesomeness. I still haven’t changed a diaper. I bathe every time I want to. Food appears magically if I mention out loud that it would be good.
I was told horror stories about going to the bathroom post-labor. I won’t say that everything is back to normal–but I had reasonably normal functioning and only mild discomfort four hours after the birth.
I was told the swelling would be horrible and I have none. I got a second degree tear and two stitches and I didn’t even notice. The extend of the tearing in my labia was enough that my midwife stood there looking at my crotch funny while the doctor sewed up the main perineum tear. I asked what she was looking at and she said, “I’ve never seen anything like these tears.” I’m special.
Noah asked me, while I was still laying there on the delivery table, “Do you think you will want to do this again?” “Yeah, sure.” 🙂
Shanna pictures. :)
I am thoroughly biased, but she is so pretty. 🙂
Compliments should flow in. 😉
The best laid plans…
We have a daughter. Her name is Shanna Francesca. She was born at 9:54 May 24th after a 49 hour labor. We didn’t have the home birth of my dreams because after 40 hours of difficult labor and no sleep I was only 4 cm dilated. At the rate I was going I wouldn’t have had the strength to push when I got to that point. I transfered to Valley Med where we had the best hospital experience I can imagine having. I was presented with options and gently encouraged in the direction that the given nurse/doctor felt was best but at no time did I feel actual pressure. When I turned down their suggestions they would very cautiously and respectfully ask if I was sure then accepted my decision without judgment. I am thrilled by how accommodating the staff was. Multiple people were very pro-home birth and understood that I was not gung-ho about the hospital procedures and made every effort to bend or break rules so that my wishes could be accommodated. Really–it was great. Our delivering doctor made the extra effort to find us a private room so that Noah and the baby and I could stay together all night. If she hadn’t then the baby would have been taken to the nursery and Noah would have been kicked out at 10. Really, I’m grateful to the staff.
I find it funny that I was discussing “compassionate epidurals” with someone a couple of days ago and I was less than thrilled with the idea. At this point I’ve changed my opinion. I needed sleep. There were big chunks of labor that weren’t really painful. The actual pushing (I did almost three hours of it) wasn’t terrible–and the epidural was basically worn off. (They had finished my first bottle of medicine and never bothered to get me a second, I was effectively unmedicated for the final hour.) Labor got hard when I was too tired to be coherent and when I became terrified that it would go on for three or four days at the intensity it had. That was a reasonable fear considering how slowly I was progressing.
At this point I am grateful for modern medicine. I needed to use it and everything went breathtakingly well for me. The hospital was good to us and for us. I’m going to try for a homebirth again next time. I hear that once the cervix has opened once it usually is more willing to do so the second time. 🙂
I have no regrets or anger or upset over how things went. I made it through 40 hours on my own. That’s a very long time and I’m quite proud of myself. I pushed for freakin ever and I got my 8 pound baby out. (She’s also 20″ long.) She’s gorgeous. I have been with Noah and Shanna almost constantly since her birth and I may well have missed as much time as I did at home. 🙂 I’m so joyful. This is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. We signed out of the hospital this morning AMA and now we are home.
I am so very lucky. I’ll get pictures up very soon, I promise.
The most annoying thing
about reading romance novels is that I always end up wistfully thinking, “I wish I had a glittery hooha. I know this is lame. I know Noah adores me. But he’s not obsessed with me like that. I haven’t spoiled him for sex with all women for all time. Granted he may not have sex with a woman (uhm, other than me) again–but it won’t be because I’m just so amazing that the thought is unappealing. The thought of me getting upset isn’t worth facing… but that’s different.
My night for weird phone calls.
And then I talked to another woman I know. She is a fairly new mom and she hasn’t been married that long. She expressed a great deal of shock that I am so consistently positive in talking about Noah. I recognize that very few people are as effusive about their mates as I am, but I always kind of chalk that up to people having more of a sense of decorum… but they feel similarly. She was really wistful when I talked about how I’m so positive about Noah because he has earned it. And she was really bitter when she talked about how I won’t feel so happy with him once I have a baby and he isn’t doing anything to help. I told her that I would be absolutely shocked if Noah was less than helpful because it would be a 180 in his personality. She was skeptical and almost hostile.
She was also really negative when I was upbeat about prodromal labor and that I’m feeling pretty well and I feel like I just don’t have that much to complain about with pregnancy. She was miserable and pissy by this stage and she doesn’t understand why I’m not. When I told her that I see no point in being pissy and upset by having to wait on the baby because “This too shall pass” she told me that everyone will be throwing that in my face once the baby comes when something is terrible. I said that it’s true and that I try to remember in bad moments that they aren’t going to go on forever. She then got quiet and sad and said, “Maybe you’re just better at all this than I am.” I told her that I will probably be better at some things but that I will suck compared to her at other things–there is no use in comparing.
I feel really sad for her. I feel really sad that her life has gone this way and that she has become so bitter. I don’t generally think of myself as all that positive/upbeat/optimistic, but compared to her I’m Pollyanna. It’s interesting to get that perspective. I hope that she finds some peace.
How very odd.
So I haven’t posted in a while about how much I love my therapist. There have been some reasons for this. A few months ago she had some personal medical stuff happen and she went on hiatus to deal with stuff. Fair enough. When she came back she started behaving… oddly. Our sessions started involving a lot of personal details about her life. It started feeling more like she wanted to bond than be my therapist. This was a gradual process and for a while I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or if things were starting to get way too friendly.
A few weeks (months? my time sense is toast) ago I noticed that almost half of our session was spent with her telling me how much she and I are alike in great detail and telling me about how we have overcome the same things in our lives and how special we are. Riiiiiiiight. Then I had the prelabor issue and I canceled sessions for a while because I was afraid of driving to Oakland. During this period I talked to a few people and decided that no really, she was being completely inappropriate. After I was on bedrest for a bit she offered to drive down and do a session in my house. I figured that I needed to talk to her about the weird boundary stuff anyway so sure. Only she just couldn’t seem to get here. She called 30 minutes before the session was to begin and told me that she was getting a late start because she had been having anxiety issues and her current med cocktail makes it unsafe to drive when she is freaking out like that. I said that we should maybe cancel because I had another appointment after her with not a lot of wiggle room. She indicated that she was already on the road, but she had stopped on the way and she could make it in time. She was pretty aggressive about still wanting to come down. So I agreed hesitantly and sat and waited. At 15 minutes past the start time she sent me a text message saying she was lost but almost here. When we got to the point where I needed to leave in 15 minutes I sent her a text message saying that I needed to leave soon. She called me and said that she understood that I needed to leave and that being punctual is very important to me. She then said she was very sad because she had really wanted to at least see my house and touch base with me–she hadn’t been planning to charge me for the session anyway. *blink* ? What? This was odd. I told her to just turn around because I was going to head out.
Then she sent out an email to all her clients saying that she needed people to pay in cash for a while due to an issue in her personal life. Well that’s odd…
I agreed to one phone session after that, but there was a weird connection and she lost phone connectivity (battery?) and so she didn’t charge me for that. Then I got to the point where I was just not up for the continued weirdness and I told her that I was going to be opting out of therapy for a while because I didn’t really want to be driving to Oakland and I thought I was doing pretty well anyway. She reluctantly agreed to this.
Then tonight she called me. She has missed me and wanted to know what was going on with me and why I haven’t called her. I was very very clear on my boundaries and told her that I’m doing fine and if I want to see her again I will call. Noah couldn’t figure out who I was talking to–he thought it sounded like my conversations with Rebecca when I’m being extremely clear on what I am interested in talking about. 🙂 She wanted to be sure that I would let her know when the baby comes and that it will mean a lot to her. She stressed a few times that if I want to talk on the phone because I’m processing anything she is totally up for that and she won’t charge me at all. Or if I am able to come up and see her that she won’t mind me feeding the baby at all. I’m starting to feel pretty freaked out. I left the phone call by saying that I was feeling like maybe I wouldn’t need therapy anytime soon but if I decide I need to see her I’ll let her know. That was probably too ambiguous. I’ve been seeing her for years. The next time she calls I’m going to need to tell her to stop calling and that feels so very uncomfortable.
I wish she hadn’t freaked out on me. My therapist is not supposed to be a source of freakin conflict.
Inspiration?
My blogging has gotten particularly boring lately and I’m aware of that. So, if you would like to have something more interesting to read, here is your chance. Stolen from my Sarah.
Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don’t blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don’t blog about, but you’d like to hear about, and I’ll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on Orlando Boston drivers, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques literary criticism, what I actually studied in school, teaching, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.
Comments screened, posts might be filtered – possibly just to the person who asked the question, if it’s touchy enough. We’ll see. (Though I’m usually not that sensitive and people basically never ask me questions that violate my sense of appropriate.)
Doing my best.
So I kind of freaked on Noah yesterday. I’m not telling you why. Suffice to say I was not as awesome of a wife as he deserves. But I tried to find solutions. Then more stuff got complicated today. ACK. But I sent him off with his best friend tonight. It’s been hard for him to be stuck at home all the time with me. It’s hard to be supportive of someone getting their needs met when your needs are conflicting. I’m trying though.
This life and being a grown up and taking care of your partner stuff is all a big fat pain in the ass.
Silly.
So we have a plumber here fixing our garbage disposal. Normally I could do this sort of thing myself, but not so much at the moment. No contorting under sinks for me at 39 weeks.
He’s swearing. Constantly. Mostly in Spanish with an occasional “fuck” dropped in for flavor. (He shocked himself.) I’m pretty sure that he isn’t supposed to swear at a customer’s house. I’m giggling like mad. I kind of wonder if I should let him know that I do actually understand all of the swear words he is using. Would it embarrass him?
I’ll just sit here and giggle.
Post-partum vists
A number of people have asked? informed? me about visiting once the baby comes. Based on the advice I have gotten from women who have been through this before me (see–I do actually listen to advice sometimes) I am going to structure how this works formally and in advance so that I don’t have to negotiate with everyone individually.
-You must set up a time in advance and be punctual. No dropping in because you are “in the neighborhood.”
-During the first two weeks visits will probably be restricted to 30 minutes. After that an hour, maybe an hour and a half until I’m feeling better.
-If you want to come over you need to do something helpful. Bring food. Start/fold a load of laundry. Do dishes.
-I will not be up for being a host and I’m going to be less than thrilled about Noah doing it.
-Soft voices. I’m actually pretty sensitive to noise in general and I’m willing to bet that when I’m adjusting to listening to a baby crying a lot of the time I’m going to be extra fussy on this one. If you see me cringe when you boom out the start of a sentence, please self regulate to a softer volume.
-Leave your drama outside my house for at least the first month. I love you. I will return to listening to other people’s issues after about a month. I will be sleep deprived and probably anxious as I try to figure out what a parent is supposed to do with an infant and I’m always over-sensitive to other people’s emotions.
-Please don’t tell me what I “should do” with the baby. If I know you have parenting experience or even a bunch of siblings there is the possibility I will ask for advice–don’t offer it unasked though. 🙂
-If you have been sick in the past week don’t ask to come visit. The kid will be around for years to come and I promise that you will have lots of chances to bond later. 🙂
See. I’m not rejecting *you*. I’m not being mean to *you*. 🙂
I’m thinking about printing this and putting up on the front door as a reminder.
Muddled
I’m starting to be fuzzier and fuzzier in my thinking. My normal brilliant observations (hey–I have them sometimes) are coming fewer and farther apart. Instead I feel like I’m swimming in a fog. It’s strangely reminiscent of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Dude. I’m totally Bromden.
We went out and were social this weekend, more than once even. I was pretty amused at how the party we went to basically segregated into the monogamous breeders and the poly people. 🙂 I had a lovely time. 🙂 I need to spend more time with Lauren because she is obviously a really good mom (you don’t get a kid that good on accident) and maybe she can rub off on me. It was nice to see the various poly folk as well–don’t get me wrong. They just weren’t as interested in orbiting around where I flopped and I’m not doing the get up and move around social butterfly thing just now.
Then Noah wanted to go watch the fire show at the Tiki Bar last night. He wasn’t willing to go without me. So I dragged my grumpy ass out. Luckily I had the brilliant idea of sending Miss Jenny a text message and she came and talked to me. It’s a good thing cause I was being pretty sucky and unenthusiastic and that was probably hard for Noah. Then my delightful acupuncturist showed up with her husband. She’s neat in general and I had a great time fucking with her husband. 😀 That was probably the best social interaction I’ve had with a new-to-me person in months. Normally I just sort of retreat over to my chair and don’t talk to new people. 🙂
All of this on top of Noah vacuuming the whole house on Saturday. Whee! My life is awesome.
Oh! I got painted green yesterday! Uncle Mikey came over and painted me and we took pictures. I don’t have any that I can mass share at this point, but I’ve seen some of them and they are neat!! Very freaky-creature-like. 🙂
The cat has been really fussy lately. After losing the teeth a few weeks ago she has also had this weird growth on her lower lip. Last week we took her in for a steroid shot and it seems to be getting better. I’m hoping that more doesn’t come up. *sigh* I think she has been over-eating lately out of sheer joy at being able to eat again (infected teeth and gums = lots of pain while eating) and she puked all over the carpet this weekend. *sigh* I think this is her 6th? 7th? time puking in her whole life so I don’t feel like I can be too grumpy.
The house has come a long way. I’m getting happier and happier with the house. At this point the house looks different enough that it doesn’t feel like it is the same house Noah used to live in. I’m pretty grateful for that. I was having a lot of trouble feeling happy here and at this point that is fading and the house is feeling more like it’s “mine.” The one remnant of former occupants that I am thrilled about is the roses. Thank you Christyn! They are soooooo pretty. 🙂
I’m not sleeping that well because a three hour stretch between bathroom breaks is a really long time and I usually can’t go that long. I have also started gaining a pound a week in the last couple of weeks (whoo hoo! 21 lbs!) but that means that I’m gaining about 1/2 lb a week of water weight. My feet are now swollen. It took till 39 weeks, but it happened. My pelvis is so sore I have trouble believing that my body can be this sore for this long. I’m just achey all over in general. Getting out this weekend was awesome because I’m not sure how much more time I have.
Oh, people: stop asking if I’ve had the baby. I’ll freakin let you know.
The kind of thing I sit and think about
I think that relationships are complicated. When you think about what makes someone “right” for someone else you are looking at a whole elaborate string of interrelated points and it’s hard to figure out what is the clincher or deal breaker. Yeah, Noah is awesome in general and attentive and a good communicator (very unusual) and hot and good at sex and… He’s just a really bitchin package.
But I think I know what the clincher is. See–I have a really clear picture of what I want in my life. Of what the most important non-negotiable thing was in a life partner. I believe with all my heart and soul that Noah will be a good father. He balances me in all the most ideal ways. We’ve already spent a lot of time talking about how we think parenting should look. Yeah, there are going to be surprises and course corrections and there will be things that Don’t Go As Planned–but our overall attitudes and how they work towards dealing with kids is unlikely to drastically change.
I am not the most stable person on the planet. I work really hard at being consistent, but I can only do the best I can do. Noah is incredibly stable and cheerful and good natured. I’m really happy that I can give that to my kids even if I can’t be that. Noah also believes in letting kids do things for themselves and letting them learn how to accomplish things; they can ask for help if they need it, but I think “doing it for them” is a good way to stifle kids learning. My opinion is backed up by a lot of studies. 🙂 There are areas where I am probably inclined to be far more strict than necessary and Noah is good at telling me that I’m being lame and over reacting. (It’s a delicate line let me tell you.) He likes to play and is physically comfortable with touching far more than me which is going to be awesome for our kids. He can make up the best stories. I really suck at making up stories. He’s so willing to try things even if he might suck at them–I spend too much time worrying about looking stupid. Noah will be awesome at reminding me that just because he doesn’t need privacy and it’s ok for me to snoop in his stuff it’s not ok to do that with our kids. 🙂
Noah is everything I wish my father had been and wasn’t. I’m so glad I get to bring kids into the world and have them grow up with him.
hell yeah
Barring Noah saying, “Wow these suck–you need to heavily edit these” I think I am done with my papers. I am turning them (and my huge stack of library books) today. That is it for this semester. I’m sure glad the Lizard didn’t arrive early because so much for my goal of turning in my papers early. 🙂
Now I get to turn my brain towards nesting! Yay nesting!!
Although I get to spend today sitting at the car dealership because the car needs that 45,000 mile check up. Oy.