Sometimes. At the class on Wednesday someone I had a week long fling with a few years ago gave me a hug, which was fine, then put his hand in to touch my belly. I grabbed it and smacked it the way you do with a little kid. He then pulled back and looked upset so I thought I should send him an email afterwards. The thread hasn’t gone how I expected.
Hey now-
It was pretty clear to me that I hurt your feelings. It was not my
intention to hurt your feelings. It is a big deal though that touching
my belly is about as personal as grabbing my breasts or my crotch.
Giving hugs is a very different kind of physical contact and one that I
obviously consented to by leaning in towards you. I still like you, but
it’s a big deal to me that I defend physical incursions like that. If I
don’t then people don’t realize that they are crossing a boundary. I’m
willing to bet that you will think twice before you reach to touch
another pregnant chick. 🙂
I hope that this won’t eliminate our ability to be friendly in the
future. I’m not going to hold a grudge though I will understand if you
choose to keep more distance in the future.
-K
He responded:
Yes you hurt my feelings, and as an apology…well, you really didn’t give one.
I was unaware of your recent labor scare – had I known about it I wouldn’t have tried to touch you at all. From that perspective I entirely understand your desire to defend physical incursions – don’t forget I have 3 kids, so I’m very aware of how protective moms-to-be can be. That being said, I think your response was disproportionate. A simple “I’d rather you didn’t touch my baby” would have more than sufficed. To be perfectly frank I was offended. I’ll admit our prior intimacy and the hug earlier that night gave me the feeling that my attempt to touch you would be welcome, and I ought to have asked first before trying to touch you, but my experience has been that moms-to-be most often welcome the touch.
No matter – it was a communication problem which doesn’t change my affection for you, but, as you surmised, I’m likely to be hesitant to get into physical contact with you in future.
-T
So I respond again:
Well, you are right. I didn’t apologize. Defending myself from unwanted physical touch is not something I need to apologize for. Whether or not you get to touch my belly has nothing to do with the preterm labor incident it is about the fact that people are not allowed to touch me without my permission. You are entitled to think that I reacted more strongly than you would prefer, but given that you reaching in to touch me was far more than I prefer I feel I am allowed to decide how I react–not you.
It has also been my experience that while there are some pregnant women who are ok with people randomly touching them the vast majority dislike it. Most will grit their teeth and bear it because society conditions women to not have the right to defend themselves against unwanted touch. I’m not one of those women though.
-K
No, no I didn’t apologize. Astute of you to catch that. *snort*
Actually, I was more struck by the fact that he didn’t apologize for touching you uninvited, as if the fact that other women have tolerated his presumption make his presumption more acceptable.
Dude–that’s totally how people work. Haven’t you had that experience before? “Well everyone else lets me, why don’t you?” Oy.
Apologizing isn’t something he seems to be big on. Have I mentioned that it was a very brief fling and I realized it was a Bad Idea pretty quickly?
And never mind other women *letting* him touch them without smacking him hardly equals “welcoming it”. Feh.
Yay for knowing and sticking to your boundaries, and not comprimising them just because someone else might feel offended or make a scene.
Good riddance, and good for you.
LOVEEEEE you! So much. You make me proud to be a woman.
Once again, you are my hero, girl! Your ability to state your boundaries and stay focused and clear even when someone obviously doesn’t “get it” and is downright rude, well, I am just impressed and inspired!
And yes, I HAVE heard many pregnant women say that they DON’T like to have their bellies touched…even though that is neither here nor there because YOU don’t want random people touching you and THAT is enough reason as is!
Yay you!
you shoulda *bit* his hand.
no…
wait…
i know!
grabbed your bellly and screamed with incoherent agony.
then, make farting noises with your mouth (or butt, if you can do so, on demand like this girl in 3rd grade i had a crush on so bad but(t) whose name i can’t even recall right now who could fart whenever she wanted to so all the boys were in love with her but(t) she liked this guy named gary who sat right behind me and used to eat egg salad sammiches everyday for lunch and then rip these s.b.d. (silent but deadlies) in reading class that were so sulfurous that you’d think that the Prince of Perdition hisself was rising from the grave except they were also really wet and clingy and sorta wended their way into your noseholes and then sit there like some malodorous black mold from somebody’s unwashed buttcrack and i don’t think hell’s a dampp sorta place so they were just alike except that this gary guy couldn’t fart of demand like my crush but(t) she liked him better anyways because i could only manage old man dry popcorn farts that didn’t stink at all because a) i don’t like eggs salad because i think it makes my breath smell like farts which is unnatural ’cause fart smell should only enema-ate from your bung hole and not any of the ones attached to your lungs and b) i’ve never had the best pucker-string control and lotsa times farts change from the gaseous to solid phase if you catch my drift then she moved away and i was really sad.)
*that’s* what you shoulda done.
yep.
Oh my, you basically win at story telling- I love it. I give you general appreciation and love for your awesomeness.
On another note… Even if the hand was bitten instead of slapped, I cannot quite understand why he would be insulted, or expect that his being insulted was anyones problem but his own.
Pure silliness.( as in you know, suckness)
thanks.
but i’m only good at stories about
farts, buttcracks, and noseholes.
so
i am limited to any gathering of men
or 10 years olds.
which is kinda the same thing
when you think about it.
i really have a difficult time
coming up with the correct punishment
form unwlecome touch of pregnant belly.
biting seems ok.
perhaps something involving
amniotic fluid would be
appropriate…
Noseholes
*huge grin* No you’re great.
You should hear the nostril songs my sister and I do, I feel like you would appreciate it.
Re: Noseholes
“The Nostril Songs.”
you mean there’s more than one?
GOOD FOR YOU!
people are such asses sometimes… especially with pregnant women.
dork.
(him. not you, obviously)
I…well, I still wouldn’t have faulted you if you punched me that day when you came to Santa Cruz. And I still admire you for reacting that way and helping me to learn a few different behaviors.
Anyway. Bravo to you.