She has Noah’s hairline. I didn’t notice, my mom pointed it out. It looks like her nose is becoming more like mine (or at least how mine was when I was a tiny baby). She likes to be as cold as Noah. I’m sitting in the air conditioned living room fully dressed under a blanket and they are both naked–and happy about it. Odd.
I’ve been really moody this week for no good reason. I’m trying to not lash out at Noah though because he’s really awesome and hasn’t done anything–uhhh anything bad. He’s done lots of good stuff. As a result of me petulantly telling him earlier this week that I felt like he wasn’t paying enough attention to me he devoted a full freakin day to reading me The Golden Compass. The whole book. That wasn’t a stated goal of the day, he just never stopped reading. 🙂 It’s a really good book.
I’ve been fussing at Noah about my various guilt complexes and he is patiently helping me with them. I’m so lucky to have him. I feel like if I am going to stay home I need to become Super Woman and do everything around the house as far as cleaning goes and cook interesting food every day and take perfect care of the kidlets and work on other projects and be a stimulating and interesting partner for him. But I can’t physically do all of those things in a 24 hour day. It’s not reasonable. But I feel crushing guilt because I should be able to!! I’m a failure if I don’t!! He says that’s silly though. So we are talking about maybe the best approach is to figure out how many hours a week I should spend on different things and still be reasonable about it. So I’m trying to figure out what is a reasonable schedule for me. See, this is challenging due to the word “reasonable.” I’m not sure I’ve ever had a reasonable schedule before. I tend to have an outrageously packed schedule and by golly I Get It Done. I’m kind of deranged really. I get it done if it makes me miserable and I’m crying and sick and underslept and treating everyone around me like shit. But I get it done.
Yeah… this isn’t optimal in terms of long-term sustainability and given that I can no longer treat my life as a series of sprints towards individual goals I need a different approach. So what is sustainable for me? In all honesty I can sustain a much higher level of productivity than average, but I get cranky. What level of activity will keep me in a good mood? That’s a harder question. I think this is going to take some trial and error. I also need to get over the idea that I should now be taking care of everything in the house for Noah. For one thing it isn’t reasonable. For another thing… he wouldn’t actually like it. He likes doing stuff for me and even though he does enjoy his down time he likes being able to help me as well. Balance.
Then there is this little complication of the munchkin. See… she wants to be on me all the time which I really love. Unfortunately sitting around with her on my lap makes it hard for me to do stuff. She does not like feeding on the move and screams her head off if I try to feed her in the wrap. She’s fine with sleeping in it, but not eating. The problem is transitioning to the wrap once she’s asleep. If I have the wrap tied on it’s not too hard but feeding her while wearing it is kind of inconvenient. I may have to just suck that up. This may be easier when feeding happens less often.
And I’ve totally lost my train of thought cause my mom called. Uhm… The End?
Odd advice coming from someone as adamantly non-spawning as myself, but check this out- my mom used a sling for my two youngest brothers, and found it very convenient. I know that as a ten year old I was able to comfortably carry my infant brother in it. I do remember her feeding the Little Dude in it regularly, and then just letting him fall asleep already in it.
I know, unsolicited advice, feel free to smack me, but damnit, I finally found something I could make a constructive comment with!
(congrats again, btw, it constantly gives me warm fuzzies to see you and Noah posting so happily!)
The problem with eating on the go is she doesn’t like cradle carry and she can’t hold her neck up yet. So your solution of a sling is nice and all… but doesn’t work at this point. 🙂 I have to wait until she can hold her own neck up. Then the wrap we use will be fine.
Is advice ok? If not, please skip, and let me know so I will refrain in the future.
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ok, if you’re still reading: think about what you value, about what you want to remember as a family 20 years from now, and what you want your kids to remember forever, then prioritize on that basis. If I had to choose between building a snowman and cleaning my oven, I would build a snowman every time. Happiness, silliness, teamwork, affection, and giving each other a break beats Martha Stewart napkin holders all day long.
It sounds to me like you already run your life by your values, and line up the small stuff according to what’s important in the big picture. I think you will be the kind of Super Woman who creates a happy family, and doesn’t let the small stuff drag you down for long.
Not a bad way to offer advice. 🙂
If it’d help- I made myself a weekly schedule for housework along with a generous estimate of how long it’d take to do each thing when I took on housegeek duties. I could send you a copy ad you could tweak it to your needs- then you have an idea what actually needs doing each week and you can move stuff around more easily.
As for cooking interesting food- please please ask! I have loads of recipes, am lazy, and tend to try to work out new ways to use, say, a whole chicken. I’d be happy to tell you what I’ve got. 🙂
I’m pretty sure I can handle figuring out how long it takes me to do housework without help. There is also the little fact that having a baby will increase the normal amount of time it takes.
I know how you feel except I tend to feel guilty about not doing things and still don’t do them, anyway. I think it’s part spite, part laziness, and part OMG-I’M-SO-FREAKIN-OVERWHELMED!!! There are good organizational tips at http://www.flylady.net about starting a system – slowly – and creating habits. It can be annoying sometimes and quite a bit too damn cutesy for me sometimes, but still – useful info there for sure, in case you’re interested. 🙂
That hairline thing is cute! 😀 My daughter has my eyebrows and a lot of my moles. It’s so odd.
I have the same problems. I do more, until I cry, and then I do less for a little while, until I start feeling guilty again.
hey pal…
when you go nuts from trying to do
everything perfectly,
can i have your car?
it’d be perfectly smart to just drop that perfect shit now.
it nearly made me perfectly nuts
and i was *really* close to perfection to start.
of course,
only guys can get -that- close to perfection.
it’s true.
ask any guy you know.
he’ll tell you.
guys are, like 100 time more perfecter
than the most perfect wymyn
could ever hope to be.
it happens because we have balls.
which are magic, incidentally,
and produce perfection microwaves
that are constantly beaming into our
loinal areas.
it’s why we’re always
poking around down in that area.
perfect itches like hell.
it’s true, dammit!
so,
ergo,
and to wit,
plus thusly,
for a wymyn to even attempt to reach perfection
from as far away as they start
is certainly a fool’s errand.
perfection,
see,
is like the speed of light.
to get there you have to keep getting a bigger engine
which slows you down
so you have to get a bigger engine
which slows you down
so you have to get…
…balls.
which you don’t have.
tits *are* nice, though.
i’m perfectly willing to admit that much.