I have always gravitated towards computer geeks. Back in high school I used to sit in the background while they coded and I fell asleep at the MST3K showings. I wanted to be around them, but I’ve never shared their passions and interests. It’s always been hard to find things to talk about. This has only compounded as I’ve gotten older. I don’t share interests with most of my friends so I sometimes wonder what exactly makes us friends.
For quite some time I’ve been aware that my interests: psychology, literature, my students when I was teaching, and now Shanna are not shared by most of my social network. As a result most socializing consists of me trying gamely for the first 10-30 minutes then slinking off to a corner while Noah talks to people. I should specify that this is group socializing. One-on-one people usually demonstrate an interest in hearing about my life but then again the number of people who want to have one-on-one time with me is quite small. I’m not particularly sad that there aren’t more people, quality over quantity and all that. I am sad that they have busy lives and I don’t see them much.
I’m fairly tired of feeling like my interests are boring. It isn’t that my interests are boring it is that I am hanging out with mostly adamantly child-free people who only want to talk about technology. I am starting to feel hostile about the degree to which many of my “friends” are dismissive of the things that interest me. Maybe it’s time to start pulling back from social groups. This is a pretty easy transitional time. I want group interactions but unless they are about sex I don’t know what to talk about. *sigh* Time to find some new people I guess.
Yeah, I get this. It’s part of the reason I like being a mac guy- people who are hard-core computer people tend to work on PCs rather than macs. 😛
Also lit geeks = dead sexy!
Welcome
Welcome to the other side. It would have been hard to describe until you got here.
For what it is worth, there are ways to meet people with your interests even with Shanna in tow. Meeting them isn’t too hard. Just takes some time and willingness to accept there might be false starts. If you are interested there is even a tribe.net tribe for Burning Man moms. May not be your cup of tea but then again it might work out for you. http://burningmoms.tribe.net/
You are ahead of many folks: you know what your interests are!
So here’s an off-the-wall suggestion: look on meetup.com for a psychology, literature or new moms group. If there isn’t one, consider starting one?
Lack of common interests is why I spend much more of my time at home these days. And for now, I’m ok with that. Kittens don’t talk back. But of course, they don’t really stimulate great conversations either.
I do have other interests as well. 😀 There are lots of mom groups. I just haven’t gone out and joined any yet cause Shanna is still not exactly social.
I’ve often thought that it’s not so much that we’re only interested in tech so much as it’s often the lowest common denominator so to speak, and therefore too easy to default to tech talk.
And yes, I wish I had more time as well. Perhaps after the move this month. I’d like to meet the little one.
Yes Im a computer geek, But I HATE HATE HATE people who only talk about that. more so if we’re trying to have dinner. I get paid to think about computers. on my own time I’d rather spend the time talking about books, movies, new ways of tying people up and if all else fails if the enterprise and the death star got into a fight who would win. (the Enterprise BTW) or Darth Vader VS Sailor Moon.
So, I Have you gotten a chance to check out the DSM-IV? I can’t wait for five to come out.
You would fit right into the conversations at Casa Satyr – and I’ve been meaning to invite you and your family up for a visit as soon as the wee babe is up to travel. Or we could try to come down there – either way, I think a meeting of the minds would be enjoyable.
I’m a unix admin by chance. My background is in history (one of my seven majors) and I minored in education. *cheeky grin* And G. can and does talk about everything – be prepared for 6th century art in the same conversation as chemistry and the politics of countries I’d be hard pressed to spell.
Yeah, I bet our household and yours would get along well. So far the kidlet isn’t big on car trips so Davis may be outside of our reach for a little while.
FWIW, it’s not just Geeks geeking. It happens with other social groups too.
What once held you all together isn’t necessarily the case anymore – me and my friends from grad school, for instance. We got along well in school and made efforts to keep contact for a couple of years out of school, and now we have different things we’re focusing on.
One of the things that makes me sad with some of my social group (in its various forms over the last 10-20 years): They’ve had kids and I haven’t. However, now they don’t have as much time to spend with me (which I totally get), and when we get together, they only talk about their kids. They also tend to choose to spend what time they have with other families, and not so much the friends they had pre-children. I haven’t had children by choice, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy their kids. But that’s often not enough, so I end up losing track of the friends because I don’t seem to fit with their new direction and focus.
OTOH, I am still friends (FSVO ‘friends’) with a couple of people I don’t think I have much at all in common with anymore – mostly because we have shared history. We can share current feelings and experiences because we don’t have to go through the whole story of *why* that particular event was so emotional, we don’t have to start from the beginning on who that person reminds you of. You can just look at each other and nod, knowing. Sometimes it’s easier to stay with someone like that than to have to start all over again with someone new.
Change is inevitable. You aren’t the same person you were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago. They aren’t the same people they used to be. Change is not one of my favorite things in the world – sometimes it outright sucks ass. I’m still learning to make it work for me rather than constantly against me.
I’m actually pretty happy about change seeing as my life continues to change along paths that make me happier in general.
I suspect that part of the deal with parents spending less time with non-parents is that people tend to talk about whatever it is that is going on in their lives and non-parents aren’t real interested in the lives of parents by and large. Even before getting pregnant I’ve heard a number of rants about how boring it is to be around parents and their kid-talk. I felt unwelcome before even spawning. Even though it isn’t fair/right I assume I will get the same sort of welcome from other non-breeders and I feel like it isn’t worth trying to pretend I have other exciting stuff to talk about. (Although the sentiment coming from a chick whose entire life was about sex parties and drugs rather amused me. I don’t have a problem with her chosen pursuits but I think “boring” is in the eye of the beholder.)
I was terribly taken by surprise with how people stopped calling me or inviting me to do anything after Kai was born. Even while I was pregnant I managed to be somewhat social and, for example, get invited to random late night dinners at the Cardinal. I don’t know what about having Kai around makes me a non-person socially.
****I’m still the same person with the need of having friends and talking about things that interest me.****
I have really struggled with feeling depressed, lonely, stressed, overburdened, under-slept, and flaked on. The last 3 years have been extremely rough emotionally.
The few people that said they would make plans with me inevitably would flake on me. The month while Noah was in Dublin, Ireland was a pretty good indicator to me of how isolated I was.
I keep trying to change my social situation. I seem to not have had much success in meeting new people, asides from our neighbor Randy. I have a problem with randomly attending groups where I don’t know anybody, I just am so socially awkward. That is the kind of situation I have the hardest time making friends in. My social anxiety kicks into high gear. As a result, I haven’t really attempted play groups. That, and large groups of women scare me. 99% of the female population and I don’t seem to understand each other.
I did go to a homeschool park day right before everyone came down with this latest bug. Everyone seemed much nicer than your average park crowd, and much more eclectic. Still intimidating, but if I could get a friend/Noah to go with I think I could convince myself to go weekly. I really should go.
(rambling about social experiences post Kai)
🙂 I would be interested in going to the play group with you. Shanna isn’t up for playing yet so the socializing will be for my benefit. 😀
When I asked if Shanna could come watch a movie at someone’s house I was told, “Only if she won’t cry.” Uhm, she’s a month old. I’m not making promises on that front. Oh well. And most of the invitations we get say 18+ anyway. *shrug* Time to move on from the sex communities it seems. 🙂
I’m feelin’ your frustration, trust me. It will take time to transition … you will find a new niche, and probably have room to fit in some of the old too.
In the mean time, this is where I slide in one of those whiney, “if only you were closer” comments.
Sorry. 😉
loves to you.
*sigh* Yeah. But I still don’t think Portland would overall be better because you are so freakin busy.
For the record, I love hearing about your teaching and lit and Shanna and whatnot even if most of it is quiet lurking on your journal. Sometimes I don’t really know what to say (e.g. babies are delightful and yet bewildering… also I am pretty certain you are more well-read than I am). I hope I haven’t contributed to that feeling but I do apologize if I have.
I hear you though. I am looking forward to being around biology geeks and whatnot in Tennessee. It gets tiresome to have people ask me polite questions and then glaze over when I try to answer them. I would imagine that having people be actively hostile toward your interests would be only more isolating. I do hope that you are able to find a comfortable social niche again, and/or that more of your friends will adjust better.
Thanks again for coming by last weekend, it meant a lot to me to be able to see you and Noah and meet Shanna before we left.
you are not alone:
what you’re describing is (and i dread the word) typical.
you’ve experienced a major shift
in your life and priorities
that some other have not.
it’s bound to shift you away
from those who hung with the pre-baby you.
baybees is a Big Deal, y’know.
and them what have never had one
gots no idea what it’s like.
they can’t help it.
it’s outside their realm of experience.
it’s like going nuts
or nearly being dead
or being beaten
or being loved.
once it happens
u r change-ed 4evah!