Having a baby fucks with your body. No duh, I know. But it has fucked with my body in ways I didn’t anticipate. At the start of pregnancy I weighed 181. I had been steady at that exact number for a while. By the fourth month, after all the sickness, I was down to 169. At the end of my pregnancy I was 202. I was back to 181 by ten days after giving birth. In the past eight weeks weight started creeping on and I have waffled between 187 and 191. But I look different. My face and neck and upper chest and arms are the thinnest they have ever been in my life. I would say noticeably thinner than when I weighed 155. So all of the added padding is between my boobs and my knees. My efforts on google tell me that my breasts probably weigh about five pounds more than they did when I was at my lightest. This results in me having a noticeably padded middle and butt. Fair enough. I would mind more if Noah whistled less often. I’m sorta half-assedly thinking about size but mostly thinking about strength. I would like to get back into my size 12 clothes because I have more in that size and they are cute. Seeing as I care more about being smaller than about being lighter exercise is more important than diet, though diet helps. I’m walking at least five miles a week and feeling terrible that I’m not doing more. I’m doing the 100 push up challenge (damnit, I have to do week two again cause I’m such a wuss). I’m starting to do more planks and I’ve been doing alright with crunches. I should get in some heavier exercising, but it’s hard to do with munchkin. I want to start yoga but I’m too big of a pussy to leave munchkin for that much time at a go. I need to do more and I just haven’t yet.
Then there is that sex stuff. When we have sex I feel sore at the beginning as if I’ve been having tons of sex recently and uhhh we haven’t been having tons of sex. I would like that feeling to go away already. Orgasm is still inconsistent and not as amazing as pre-kid. I’m working on it. It’s hard to work on it when I don’t have a lot of time to spend on it though.
Then there is sleep. I am so tired. And before anyone thinks to say, “Well duh you are sleep deprived” no–you don’t understand. I’m not sleep deprived. I’m sleeping 8-10 hours a night and still napping during the day. I don’t understand how anyone can work with a nursing baby. I’m muddled and confused a lot of the time. And I don’t do all of the nighttime parenting–Noah changes as many or more diapers than I do. (Have I mentioned how much Noah rocks?) The munchkin sleeps for 5-7 hour blocks most nights. She starts waking up every 3 hours after the first big chunk cause she eats a little then falls back asleep. I really can’t complain about her sleeping though.
So, I don’t want to go on a diet. Let me explain why. Not that anyone really cares, but I like to babble. There is the altruistic reason: if you take dieting too seriously it compromises milk supply. I’m not going to do that. But let’s get serious. The reason I am not going to diet is because I am so fucking hungry if a slow moving cow went passed me I might clean the bones before it could get by. I wasn’t told that my own leg would start to look tasty. I’m hiding how much I eat most days because I feel sort of ashamed of how much I am eating. I went to eat with a friend last weekend and I didn’t finish off all the food on the table even though I wanted to because I felt gross. 🙁 I don’t actually think she would have any sort of negative thoughts based on that (and hell, she’s going to read this) but I’m really not rational in the moment. As a result of my constant ravenous hunger I am trying to increase the percentage of my diet devoted to vegetables. This is a struggle, but I’m doing ok. We are cooking a lot. I’m actually really proud of how much we are cooking. We have managed to cook at least five nights a week for the past month and some. Some of the nights we don’t it’s cause we have too many leftovers. 🙂 I’m eating out of the house about three meals a week. That’s really awesome when I compare it to pregnancy where I was eating out of the house 15+ times a week. So I’m all proud. 🙂 I’m cooking a greater variety of things than I ever have before (another yay for Noah and his cheerful encouragement of my efforts!) and Noah has been cooking things I’ve never had. I’m being GGG.
Let me tell you though. Cooking, shopping, meal planning, and clean up is fucking daunting. No wonder I never managed when I was working. I can’t believe anyone has the time to really do it while working full time. I realize that my epiphany is really lame, but I can’t believe that women are expected to keep up with this while working. And many relationships do have that expectation. I’ve always been spoiled (uhm rich enough) to not have to deal with it as an adult. And my kid isn’t additional work yet. My respect for working mothers is growing by the day.
I’ve made messloads of progress on the garage. It’s just about clean enough so that I can park in it. I have it in the back of my mind how much it will suck to load the munchkin into the car in the rain. So I’m working towards being able to use the garage. 🙂
So the happy mediums I am struggling to find: eating enough and trying to figure out how to have my diet be healthier than not, sufficient exercise to increase my strength faster than she gets heavy (oof lifting a toddler would be rough right now), enough sex to keep Noah and I both on a more even keel emotionally, keeping the house clean enough to not feel guilty while not stressing about perfection, and spending enough time reading. 🙂
First of all… major hugs, I’d be willing to call you one of my role models about now. reading you LJ keeps me sane so keep babbling.
Two… On all fronts, have you talked to your doctor/midwife about exactly how much you should be eating. They say that breast feeding is the best way to lose pregnancy weight because you need to many calories to produce milk that your body is turning all its fat stores into calories.
I totally agree that eating more vegetables it good. Probably similar thoughts about whole grains and good fats.
I too am trying to lose weight (I’d like to see 200 again) and I’ve found the best “diet” has been eating if and only if I’m hungry and only until I feel full. It seems silly and easy but it took my a while (with the help of my doctor) to re-key in to what full and hunger feels like.
Anyway (I’m rambling again) just wanted to say that I’m out here in reading land and that I think you’re an awesome mom!
I have talked to my midwife and she says eat what I want to eat. I think she’s wrong though because what I want to eat is ice cream. 😀 So I had almost an entire avocado today instead. My problem isn’t eating when I’m not hungry… cause I’m always hungry. My problem is choosing food that is good for me when I eat. 🙂 I’m all about the ice cream and noodles.
I was pointed at: dailyplate.com today and it seems interesting. I’m totally going to be neurotic about it, I can tell. 😀 See, that’s why I only at almost an entire avocado. Cause I was playing with the website when I was eating it. I stopped when I realized that avocado was ~1/3 of the fat I should have in a day. Holy crap. So now I get to finish it tomorrow. 🙂
Yay! Thanks! I don’t really feel role model-ish these days, but I’m glad it’s working for you. 😀
Oatmeal helps with the feeling full. When I get myself in the grove of eating it, I vary my fruit additions so I am not eating the exact same thing every day.
Rice is also my friend, with water, it fills the tummy up.
Just a couple suggestions, not that I am practicing them at the moment, but they do help.
Mom & Baby yoga. Dunno if there is one near you, I really like my instructor Jeanne, (in Mountain View) but she’s on maternity leave for the summer, but should be starting up again in a couple months. There are ongoing classes at Blossom Birth, but the instructor is a little too… laid back? Stoned acting but not? But you could try that.
*laugh* Stoned but not is such an awesome way to describe someone. I’ve been sorta waiting until Shanna can be on her own for a couple of hours (I need to start encouraging this more) because I have a friend who wants to take classes with me and she is not baby enabled yet.
you been using those little weights? My friend Rachel gave me a long lecture once about they are MUSTS after having kids.
I will try to keep in mind that I should follow the advice of someone who once lectured you. 😉
wow, that was profoundly bitchy
Ok, I didn’t think it was. You are entitled to your interpretation though.
I can’t imagine you being anything but all kinds of yummy, no matter what your size. I’m proud of you for taking care of you.
I’m definitely still feeling hot. 🙂 Just the kind of hot where buying clothes sucks because I’m in between misses and womens. It’s an annoying size to be. 🙂
IT’s a good thing you’re not on line right now, because I’d be chattering your eyes off. I have so many thoughts about this subject.
A#1 most important thing I have come to believe and trust….My body will do what it needs to to sustain me best.
First, I trusted this through my pregnancy, as I gained 35 pounds, nearly week by week from 160 to 195….I was eating healthfully (and often, as regular feeding fended off my morning sickness best), and exercising quite a bit (3 days a week of yoga, plus running/walking. I had the baby, and I’ve watched as weight has SLOWLY peeled off over the last year….again, while I eat what I want to (often quite a lot), and exercise hard (rowing competitively with my team). And I am currently at 171, nearly 14 months postpartum. And I’m starting to wear my pre-preg clothes again, finally. For a LONG time, my face, neck and arms were much heavier than pre-preg, and my face and shoulders are starting to thin out (I can see my collarbones clearly again…they were missing for a while). I’m still carrying extra padding, particularly around teh midsection, and I believe this is because I need it to continue to nurse. BTW, sure breastfeeding has an effect on the loss of “pregnancy weight” but I also think it’s delusional to expect our bodies to be “the same” post-partum and lactating as they were pre-preg.
I REFUSE to diet. Both on principle (see rule A#!) and because I don’t want to compromise my milk supply. But largely because I hate the idea of dieting and don’t believe in it. I have given up on playing games with myself, or eating things to “make me feel full” or otherwise toy with my body. I choose healthy foods, I eat whatever I want in moderation (refuse to have food guilt), exercise as I choose, and try to balance it all to get a reasonable amount of rest in the midst of sleeping with a child who gave up 5-7 hours stretches at 3 months.
FWIW, I did a mom-baby pilates class in my early months and it was a great compromise….I could get out, hang with other moms, and get some exercise, while often nursing sidelying in the middle of doing exercises. I’d say the baby-friendly yoga is a good idea. But I also do think you need to work up to taking some baby breaks…if only for an hour at a time. It’s important and it’s worth it and it’s good for all three of you.
Overall, I really must say, I’m pretty disappointed in how little postpartum support there is. As much as natural birth and birth preparation and lactation support and all that good stuff is emphasized leading up to the baby, we just don’t talk enough about the aftermath. You don’t just go back to being exactly the same, and I don’t think we have, as a society, even as a smaller microcosm of “natural mama society,” given ourselves permission to be different.
I could go on and on…don’t know if all or any of this is helpful or relevant to you, but I too have the mama ramble brain. I’m really lookign forward to sitting down and sharing our experiences in person in a few weeks!
“You don’t just go back to being exactly the same, and I don’t think we have, as a society, even as a smaller microcosm of “natural mama society,” given ourselves permission to be different.”
This part is fascinating to me. I completely agree and think that the expectation for women to just get back to their old selves is odd and unhappy making. I’m not saying that I have no similarities to my former self, but I’m different. I agree that it isn’t recognized. I think that part of the reason is that I feel more in touch with being a woman and the unending chain of responsibility that seems to be mostly put on women. Men simply do not have the same level of responsibility thrust on them by having children. There are responsibilities that they (please God) can choose to take on, but it’s not the same. I feel that women who abdicate their parenting responsibilities are on a different plane than men who do it. And when she is crying and crying and nothing but mama will do I understand the resentment of wanting to go back to the time before… but it’ll never happen. If I choose to ignore her need then I have to live with that so it won’t really be like the time before. It’s hard to talk about in a way that doesn’t sound critical or non-pc.
The thing about being a mother is that you are so much more connected to that child. Sure, a child is a piece of both mother and father, but it’s just not equal. Our babies have no idea that they are separate beings from us…they need “mama” because mama is being whole…our heartbeats and belly rumblings and breath patterns are their entire sensory experience and are security. Gradually they grow and become whole on their own, but until then it tears at my soul to think of rejecting the needs of that tiny simple being who grew from me.
It’s why it is so important to me that was willing and able to make himself available to Anyanka as comfort from her first hours…it is an enormous relief to be able to offer her an alternative being that she has learned to trust, too. He’s not Mama, but he’s an awfully good second choice.
So at
(iPhone posting challenges…thought continued)
So, at the risk of being judgy, I can’t understand either how anyone can abdicate their mother role, either.
Oh, and I can’t rely on my body to tell me what is best quite the way you do. My body thinks fried potatoes, ice cream, and sitting on my ass is best. 🙂 I need to be a little more conscious about my choices.
All that said: I’m trying to find the happy medium. I still want my fried potatoes, ice cream, and time to sit on my ass. I just can’t let those be the only things in my life.
ok, perhaps what I really mean is ” if I make generally healthy choices, I have to then trust that whatever weight/shape/size my body assumes is natural, healthy, and deserves to be accepted as so.”
Lord knows onions rings and frosting hold special places in my heart. And butt. 🙂
Yeah, that. I just tend to not be good at making generally healthy choices unless I have a concrete goal/reason to.
God I’m lazy. It takes extreme pushing for me to feel any motivation. 🙂
I’m wondering about something my ex (S – who worked in vitamins and health. When we were together we had plans of opening a holistic mental health center) was saying a while ago about craving fatty foods. She was saying that there are some nutrients our body needs when we crave things but sometimes our brain doesn’t know the best way to get them and just craves the best known source instead. She said if someone can get a supplement or finds a healthier food with that thing in it the cravings will lessen or stop.
Problem is I am trying to figure out what would be in ice cream and fried potatoes that your body would want. Fat for sure. Do you think taking an omega 3,6, and 9 oil supplement would help? Just brainstorming here.
And the inevitable permanent changes in the body are one of the things that have always freaked me out about being pregnant. I know most of then are neutral and not bad, but it still scares the bejeezus out of me.
Regarding the Yoga thing — I have some DVDs which have 20-30 minute sessions of Yoga on them. Not as good as a class, perhaps, but something you could do at home while the baby is napping or whatever. Check Amazon for “yoga zone” if you’re interested. 🙂