This is something that I would normally filter to just people who have requested access to my sex life filter, but I don’t want to. Hell, I’m not even going to cut it if it gets long. That’s all the warning you get.
Sex isn’t working how it used to. Hell, it’s barely working at all. Yesterday we got the opportunity to have sex (yay for Miss Jenny!) and we got started in a way that was very consistent with our history of sex together. Namely: not much in the way of foreplay and lots of roughness. At very first it mostly worked and I had one ok-ish very weak orgasm. Then… it just stopped being interesting at all. It wasn’t about what Noah was or wasn’t doing, I just basically checked out. I think I heard some noise that sounded like Shanna so my brain switched off the “sex” part. Noah talked about transitioning into some other rough-ish sort of uhm activity and I get the impression that he could tell from my face that I wasn’t real gung-ho. I was willing enough, but not because I was enjoying the sex. See, I’ve gotten to the point where I am having sex because it makes Noah happy, not because I’m really enjoying the sex. I really want to enjoy the sex; I miss enjoying sex. Theoretically I want sex, I’m just not enjoying it in the moment. My masturbatory life is uhm on hiatus. I try to masturbate every so often and it usually doesn’t work out very well.
I think that a lot of this is because my perspective has changed so drastically. I’ve always been a stories person and the stories that used to get me hot I now think, “If someone did this to my daughter I would castrate them and end up in jail.” I get violently angry. I’m not really sure what to do about this. Other stories have just never been that interesting. My brain is so firmly locked in ‘mommy-mode’ that sex is absent.
Noah offered to stop and just cuddle. He’s awesome like that. He offered to stop pushing for sex and we won’t try again until I actually feel in the mood and want it. I think that is a bad idea. A lot of our overall dynamic is dependent upon him being a very tolerant, cheerful, happy guy and if he doesn’t have sex for a few months that wouldn’t be so true any more. I *need* that from him. As a result I consider it my price to pay that I need to keep having sex whether I’m “in the mood” or not. (It’s not like I actively don’t want to have sex–if that were true I wouldn’t. I’m just not into it.)
I don’t really know what to do right now. I asked him to tell me a funny, silly sex story and we got through sex ok. I didn’t really orgasm during sex again, but it was more fun. It also doesn’t help that my wiring is very different now. I’ve always been a penetration kind of girl. Now it’s… not doing it for me. I need a tremendous amount of external stimulation (it’s like I became a regular girl) and orgasm is far from assured. I feel sorta betrayed by my body actually. Sex was so easy for me and now it’s not. And I don’t have time for the work it would take to figure this out again.
I feel lost and hurt. It’s no one’s fault and no one is doing anything wrong. But sex has always been such a huge part of my identity and now it’s gone.
*hugs*
Have you maybe spoken to your midwife/doctor/doula?
There is nothing medically wrong with me and everything I’m going through is normal. It’s just hard. So there isn’t really anything my midwife can do for me other than tell me to give it time and be patient.
first, hugs. I understand.
Second, while yes, there are hormone changes and mindset changes, there are also physical changes that can hugely impact your ability to respond and can even maybe be called something medically “wrong.” however, the medical community is frequently ignorant about it. There is stretching, tearing and scarring that can impede circulation in the area and hinder orgasm. I told you I saw a physical therapist who specialized in birth recovery, didn’t I? She did internal work to help release stuck tissues and restore function. It helped and I plan to go back now that I’m more mentally prepared to deal with my birth trauma. Tami Kent “wild feminine” based in Portland, but she teaches and there may well be practitioners in the bay area trained in her philosophy.
Sex should be good. Don’t write it off. Also this is another area where we need to acknowledge that we have changed and that it is not only ok but good. Enjoy exploring the new you together.
Sorry disjointed, iPhoning from Carmel.
I don’t feel like I have actual physical trauma internally. Things feel fine at this point, I’m just not turned on. I can orgasm it’s just not consistent or working how it used to. I believe that this is more related to the fact that I am having trouble mentally with the things that used to turn me on than anything physical.
Sex isn’t bad it’s just not exciting or what it was. And I’m not writing it off. I’m saying that there is a period where it isn’t going to be amazing for me because I don’t have the time to work through the issues around it. I’m working on getting steady baby-sitter time so that I can work through the issues, but until that happens it just isn’t going to happen.
🙂
OMg, I totally identify with this. I’ll respond more in a bit, but thank you for this entry!!
I haven’t started having sex yet after the birth of my son six weeks ago, but my um, independent forays into this topic have been extremely disappointing. Like, “THAT was an orgasm?!”
I feel cheated, and I didn’t even have a vaginal birth for crying out loud.
I guess the best we can hope for is to just keep trying and eventually our mojos will come back…I’ve spoken to some women who were ten months post partum and they said their sex lives were never as good before they had children. I hope that’s the case for me.
I’m glad you didn’t filter this. I think lots of would-be sexy vixens feel this way after having a baby. There has been an explosion of babies in my circle, and nearly every mommy (kinky, vanilla, liberal, stuffy, and everywhere inbetween) has expressed distress over the sexual changes she has endured since birth.
Everybody’s issues are a bit different, but the themes are often issues with achieving orgasm, not being able to mentally get into it (a HUGE part of arousal for women), and their body responding differently to stimulation (or not at all).
I would be a sex- and body-acceptance therapist in another life, and I’m here to tell you that it’s normal, and it will pass. Just like anything else that affects intimacy, you’ve got the right approach. Openness, staying in the game, recognizing your role, and being willing to participate for the overall good even if it’s not lighting your fire at the moment are each things that will carry you through this to the other side.
Good luck to you, and be kind to yourself as you adjust to your changing/changed body.
what this person sez—
If you would like to IM or talk about this, I’d be a voice of experience ;->
ditto, almost every girlfriend of mine whose had kids has mentioned this
“you’ve got the right approach. Openness, staying in the game, recognizing your role, and being willing to participate for the overall good even if it’s not lighting your fire at the moment are each things that will carry you through this to the other side.”
I totally agree!! Here’s hoping for the best for you. 🙂
My ex went through this after each child. And she slowly evolved from a penetration girl to an oral sex girl. But after a while penetration began to feel again and stimulate her again. And her sexual tastes changed when the babies were born, as well. Mine too.
One thing she discovered that she really enjoyed was increased anal penetration. She said it did for her what vaginal penetration used to do. And the orgasms she had from it were both intense and multiple. She had IBS, so it was not always a possibility, but it definitely made her more excited about sex when she could do it.
I am not saying this is a solution or possibility for you at all. Just mentioning it as something I experienced. I hope you find something that works for you.
*hugs*
If there’s anything I can do, let me know.
**BIG HUGS***
I know you’ll find a way to navigate through this.
i really feel for you on this, partly because i also identify with a great deal of what you wrote. one thing that has helped me is that starting to ovulate again partly restored my sex drive. i do miss my kink, though, and a lot of things seem a little less exciting without it.
wow, as a stories girl, I feel a lot of sympathy. I know for me, if I can’t get my story going, then I can’t come – so things like having a tv on can cause all sorts of problems, so having a kid must be taking up a big space in your mind. I have to think, over time, you will be able to get back to having more mind space for stories.
I think (but granted I have no kid) that it isn’t something you actually have to work on – your mind and body will work on it subconsciously and you’ll be back to where you were. relaxing and not pushing seem like a good idea.
thanks for posting about it!