Monthly Archives: September 2008

Memeish

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* Take a picture of yourself right now.
* Don’t change your clothes, don’t fix your hair…just take a picture.
* Post that picture with NO editing.
* Post these instructions with your picture

It says don’t change your clothes. So I didn’t add clothes. I was pumping. So I suppose this is my “Bessie” face. HA!

Things that irritate me.

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ants.
my shoulder hurting so that it keeps me awake while Shanna nurses ALL NIGHT LONG. (normally I can sleep through it and it doesn’t matter. there seems to be a protest building.)
waiting an hour and a half to have breakfast with Noah while he sleeps in. I should have eaten as soon as I got up with Shanna.
knowing that people are still breathing who piss me off. (it’s that kind of day.)
my arms hurting.
my head hurting.
stupid piece of crap Wuthering Heights. what a terrible book.
have I mentioned the fucking ants?
my cat getting whiny and needy when Shanna cries.
a variety of people who have hit my shitlist for their stupidity and/or obnoxiousness.

I could go on but I doubt I am helping my mood.

Moving on up

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After being mocked last night by no fewer than three people I caved in. See, I have this uhm thing. I like for Shanna to actually get too big for her clothes before I move up a size. But then she doesn’t look terribly comfortable and she squirms in ways that look like she is demonstrating how uncomfortable she is. I ended up putting jammies on her that were the next size up because that was all I had with me and Noah got validated in his belief that she should be in that size now.

Fine. *sigh*

She’s 16 lbs and 25″ long. But the cloth diapers seem to be pushing her firmly into 6-9 (or 6-12 depending on brand) already. I WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE BABY LONGER!!!!!!

Cute cafepress baby stuff.

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I post links here so that I don’t have to bookmark. I’m kinda dorky like that.

http://clothing.cafepress.com/item/super-kid-bib/66873912
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/13625898
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/9751228
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/18629146
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/24486358
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/16210113
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/kids-and-baby-clothing/design/14052005

Curiosity

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Is anyone going up to Manda and Tristan’s wedding this weekend? Uhm, obviously I mean is anyone from my friends list. I’m sure they have friends, I just don’t know how well we will overlap. I’m curious cause I’ve never been to Camp & Sons before and it would be awesome to have someone show me around without having to be you know, gregarious or outgoing or something ridiculous like that.

And they have outlets, right? I won’t have to try and blow up the air mattress with my lungs? 🙂

Oh the cute! And a milestone.

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She is getting pretty close to being able to sit up. See, here’s proof:

From Shanna

And here is right after she was nomming Noah’s head trying to get to his spicy brains. Notice the clever, “What? What did I do?” expression?

From Shanna

And then today I put her down on the bed while I was folding laundry. She played with her toys for a while (ok, she just made them talk back and forth–no really! The voices were awesome.) then she started doing the “I don’t wannnnnna sleep” whine. Then when I looked a minute or so later she was drowsing off. Here is evidence of her first time putting herself to sleep.

From Shanna

This parenting thing is really awesome.

sex

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This is something that I would normally filter to just people who have requested access to my sex life filter, but I don’t want to. Hell, I’m not even going to cut it if it gets long. That’s all the warning you get.

Sex isn’t working how it used to. Hell, it’s barely working at all. Yesterday we got the opportunity to have sex (yay for Miss Jenny!) and we got started in a way that was very consistent with our history of sex together. Namely: not much in the way of foreplay and lots of roughness. At very first it mostly worked and I had one ok-ish very weak orgasm. Then… it just stopped being interesting at all. It wasn’t about what Noah was or wasn’t doing, I just basically checked out. I think I heard some noise that sounded like Shanna so my brain switched off the “sex” part. Noah talked about transitioning into some other rough-ish sort of uhm activity and I get the impression that he could tell from my face that I wasn’t real gung-ho. I was willing enough, but not because I was enjoying the sex. See, I’ve gotten to the point where I am having sex because it makes Noah happy, not because I’m really enjoying the sex. I really want to enjoy the sex; I miss enjoying sex. Theoretically I want sex, I’m just not enjoying it in the moment. My masturbatory life is uhm on hiatus. I try to masturbate every so often and it usually doesn’t work out very well.

I think that a lot of this is because my perspective has changed so drastically. I’ve always been a stories person and the stories that used to get me hot I now think, “If someone did this to my daughter I would castrate them and end up in jail.” I get violently angry. I’m not really sure what to do about this. Other stories have just never been that interesting. My brain is so firmly locked in ‘mommy-mode’ that sex is absent.

Noah offered to stop and just cuddle. He’s awesome like that. He offered to stop pushing for sex and we won’t try again until I actually feel in the mood and want it. I think that is a bad idea. A lot of our overall dynamic is dependent upon him being a very tolerant, cheerful, happy guy and if he doesn’t have sex for a few months that wouldn’t be so true any more. I *need* that from him. As a result I consider it my price to pay that I need to keep having sex whether I’m “in the mood” or not. (It’s not like I actively don’t want to have sex–if that were true I wouldn’t. I’m just not into it.)

I don’t really know what to do right now. I asked him to tell me a funny, silly sex story and we got through sex ok. I didn’t really orgasm during sex again, but it was more fun. It also doesn’t help that my wiring is very different now. I’ve always been a penetration kind of girl. Now it’s… not doing it for me. I need a tremendous amount of external stimulation (it’s like I became a regular girl) and orgasm is far from assured. I feel sorta betrayed by my body actually. Sex was so easy for me and now it’s not. And I don’t have time for the work it would take to figure this out again.

I feel lost and hurt. It’s no one’s fault and no one is doing anything wrong. But sex has always been such a huge part of my identity and now it’s gone.

Birthday reflection

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I didn’t make a cake. I ran out of time. Instead, I went to Mommy and Baby Yoga and helped my back feel better. And I had lunch with a dear old friend and got to see how much he has changed recently. Then I went and bought a jogging stroller via a craigslist ad. It’s in nearly new condition and I paid less than 1/2 the sticker price. Rebecca will be proud of me. I went and gave food to Laura’s cats. Then I came back to the house and got Noah so we could go to dinner with a small-ish group of people. It was lovely.

I got comments from dozens of people. I got text messages and phone calls and emails. I heard from people I haven’t heard from in a long time. (Hey Miss Jenny–remember Grant from Fisher? Holy shit!) I guess putting it out into the universe that I really wanted people to acknowledge my birthday worked. It even extended to people who have no idea about livejournal.

I feel loved and blessed. Thank you all.

Just ’cause

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I’m home! Did anyone miss me? 🙂 I had a good time in the PNW seeing people. I got in a good many quality visits this time which I often don’t manage to do. w00t!
Shanna was awesome. Her fuss was limited to times when she was exhausted or really hungry and even in those times her fuss was very minimal. I declare her a good traveler.
It was exciting trying to figure out how to sleep on a queen sized bed since we are used to a king. Then we got put on a double bed for a night. Maybe we shouldn’t have bitched about the queen… 🙂
My packing list was pretty much perfect. My timing on laundry and what-have-you worked out exactly as I planned. The only extraneous thing was about ten baby wipes and I’m ok with that.
My kid weighs 14.5 pounds. whoa. She’s big. (that’s at 3.5 months)I
Shanna loved playing outside in the grass nekkid. She was walking around and seemed to like the grass under her feet.
I missed the swing.
I didn’t do anything in Portland or Seattle other than seeing people and eating food. I didn’t even go to Powell’s. Seeing people was enough taxing of the kidlet’s patience.
I got to see quite a few little ones on the trip and that was very fun. I’m trying not to compare Shanna in any sort of competitive way but instead just be thrilled at seeing how humans vary.
I’m glad we aren’t traveling again for a few months. That was an awful lot of work for all of us, but mainly for me. I had ridiculous anxiety around packing and getting to places on time and making travel connections. My stomach needs a break from that much acid.
Ok, so I can see how those baby buckets are somewhat convenient. I’m still very happy that I don’t own one because I would be somewhat tempted to let her sit in it and then I would have one more thing to feel guilty about. Oy.
I have a ton of laundry and cleaning to do. This morning I have already cleaned mold out of my cat’s water bowl and cleaned her box. She already hates me less.
I semi-skimmed lj a couple of times when I was gone but not consistently. I may or may not actually catch up. I will do the meme Peter tagged me for though because, DUDE! I got tagged! (I hardly ever get tagged and it’s instant love…)