We leave for New Zealand in five weeks and three days. I’m just starting to delve into guide books and it’s really neat. I found a neat one that gives the history of the country and it’s neat. Someone in New Zealand invented jogging: random, and neat. The place where we are staying is the area of the most geothermal activity as well as being the center of Maori culture. Yay!
I’m already starting to think about packing lists. 🙂
So I’m in a funk today. I’m lonely and bored. It’s interesting to realize that. I think it is because of how much time I have been spending alone at home doing baking. I really am an extrovert. I need to try and make more plans with people in the upcoming time. It’s hard making plans with people because 9/10 times involve me having to drive somewhere, often taking up a lot of time. I also find that most people want to invite me to parties because that’s what they do with their time. I get the efficiency of parties–you get to see lots of people at once. Lately parties really kind of suck for me. I don’t enjoy them and that’s not anyone’s fault. So I’m skipping parties and feeling even more lonely and isolated. I need to try harder to get in touch with people. It’s just hard because I feel like I’m initiating the contact with most everyone and that feels hard. I’m not the bell of any ball anymore and it’s a hard come down. A friend recently posted that she knows that she has finally completely left the “cute young thing” group at 33 and I wanted to wistfully tell her that it must have been nice to have it last so long. I left it a while ago. Waaaaaa waaaaa waaaaa. [insert pity party]
I know that this stage will pass. It’s just kind of annoying.
So! Is anyone interested in dim sum today? I was thinking probably in the neighborhood of 11am. There is a good place near us in Milpitas but I am potentially flexible on both time and location if you contact me quickly enough.
I was asked:
What are you most thankful for in 2008? What was the most important lesson that you learned? Who touched you, and made you more than who you were before?
What made 2008 special for you?
I am most thankful for my daughter. It was long, but my labor was not actually that difficult. I had no complications and my daughter is healthy.
Probably the most important lesson I (re)learned is that every choice you make excludes other options. I’m having a very hard time with the knowledge that I may never teach again. I miss it fiercly.
My daughter again. I have the power to affect everything in her life. It’s a big responsibility and I’m trying hard to be worthy.
The company of Noah on this amazing journey. I have an amazing partner and I feel very blessed.
So–how about you?
What are you most thankful for in 2008? What was the most important lesson that you learned? Who touched you, and made you more than who you were before?
What made 2008 special for you?
“I sympathize with your non-consensual egg white bukkake.”
This is kind of funny, but I could only find one picture of me at 18/19 on my computer that is ok to put up in a public place. There are a few hundred pictures. Let your mind wander.
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| From Random |
I made brownies for a friend’s party coming up. They are gluten free! 🙂 I’m having trouble not eating them. I’m going to go package them up so I’m less tempted.
WHERE DID THIS CHOCOLATE KICK COME FROM!?
Shanna is not quite crawling yet, but she is self-mobile. She is getting across the room to try and eat my Christmas presents. 🙂 After being able to roll for three months and being unimpressed with it she has now decided that rolling is awesome. She rolls over and over so she can go get things.
She is also pushing up into a bridge shape on her hands and feet. I think she’ll be crawling any day now. I told her it would be a great present for mommy if she crawls by Christmas. 🙂 She looks like she is thinking about it.
She is trying really hard to get back to sitting once she falls over. She isn’t all that close to doing it but she wants to so bad.
Her playing with toys has noticeably changed. Her attitude and behavior is different. She is going for the stuffed animals as much or more than the rattles now. She holds them up and “talks” to them. Sometimes she will talk to them and then move them around. It’s really cute to watch. She loves books and she’s trying to open them on her own.
I haven’t weighed her recently. I’m starting to not care that much how much she weighs. She’s big, happy, healthy, and active. That’s good enough for me. She wears size 18 month clothes but they are a bit big. We went up to 18 because in her last super chub out stage she couldn’t squeeze into the 12’s very well but then she slimmed down. I’m willing to bet she could wear 12’s at this point but I shipped them to Texas already. Oh well. I think she would still need to be in 18 pants and I roll the sleeves on shirts once. That works. 🙂
She is “talking” to us more and more. Signing isn’t happening with any sort of consistency partially because Noah doesn’t try to do it at all so I’m giving up. I was doing it with her well for a while. *shrug*
She was sleeping through the night with only one nursing for a while but she has been rather a booby-monster in the last week or so. I really want to go back to one nursing so that my shoulders stop hurting so much.
Anyone who says that breast milk shouldn’t be all *that* influenced by what I eat is full of shit. I’ve eaten uhm more than a few cookies in the past couple of days and all of a sudden I am engorged again. It has to be the fat. I have had more fat from cookies than I have had from anything else since I started WW. It’s incredible how strongly it affects my milk. Shanna seems *thrilled*.
She has started being obsessed with Puff, which is really cute. Puff doesn’t seem so thrilled about this, but Puff is nosing around a little closer just lately. I’m watching their interactions pretty closely because I’m a trifle worried about Shanna being too rough and Puff defending herself. Neither of them will be doing anything wrong under those circumstances, I just want to intervene and prevent injury in either direction.
She still isn’t all that into eating solid food. She still likes her banana when we give it to her, but otherwise she isn’t that interested. And she only takes two or three bites when we do give it to her so it’s not a large nutrient source.
She’s becoming more and more like a kid all the time. It’s fascinating to watch. She’s going to be seven months old on Wednesday. 🙂 I’m still thrilled that I have the privilege of getting to stay home with her.
Last night we went to Winter Bash and had a good time. I’m not as social at these events as I possibly could be because I don’t know many people. But I really like the people I do talk to. Miss Jenny took pity on me and danced with me. It was very awesome of her. I was feeling bad because I couldn’t remember any of the ECD stuff at all but she went and got her ipod during a break and we did swing dancing and waltzed instead. Miss Jenny wins! I should bring her extra cookies soon as a reward. 🙂 I was also given pictures! Both from Miss Jenny and from Master Fiddler himself. whoo hoo!
On the drive home Noah and I talked about people (as we are wont to do). One of our biggest focuses this time was Master Fiddler. We talked about how good a job he does at creating an environment where everyone who comes to his house can feel at home even if they are rare visitors who don’t know many people. We talked about the specific things he does that create this vibe. Then we went on to discussing his place in the group in general. I mention this here because part of the crux of the conversation was about how much importance I place on the word “Master”. It’s cause of that history in the bdsm world. I take the word “Master” rather freakin seriously and you have to *earn* it. He really has. Not just because of his exceptional musical talent, but through the way in which he is absolutely the default answer for how things go musically for a rather lot of people. It was pretty nice to think in detail about how rocking he is. I like knowing people who have truly become a Master.
And we talked a lot about Noah’s job. It looks like he is going to spend a lot of time working so I am even more glad that we are not having a party. Instead we will be staying home and I’ll be puttering as usual and he will be working. It’s like we jumped right to Monday. I’m sure he will take extra breaks for cuddling though and that will be nice. My daughter just woke up so I will go play with her now. 🙂
When Shanna is upset and/or she wants to get picked up she says, “Mamamamamama.” When I come get her she stops and snuggles in close.
Some of these are things I came up with all by myself. Some came as a result of talking to my mom.
1) New cookie sheets so they are all a consistent color and I don’t burn half the cookies. (Dark cookie sheets need to bake at a lower temperature and you can’t go back and forth very well.)
2) Start baking in early November and freeze the cookies. (This is how Mary Poppins [that’s my mom] managed to have something like 10 different cookies for Christmas.)
3) No more than one or two single batches of cookies in a day. More than that starts feeling like unfun work and cookies shouldn’t be unfun work. (One or two batches can be done in less than two hours. That’s a nap-time project and fun.)
4) If I am not completely ready for a party by a week before I should hang it up. I get too stressed and anxious if I let things get too close to the wire and then I’m not able to have fun. (This is part of managing my anxiety/depression stuff. I have to watch stress. Being good at recognizing these sorts of triggers and dealing with them is why I manage to not be on meds.)
5) Get a different carrier so I can do back carries with Shanna. She is too forking big for me to work around her in front of me. (I can’t SEE!!!! And the moby is too stretchy to use on my back in a way I feel comfortable with.)
6) Don’t try to host an event while I am still nursing all night. It means I have very few hours of the day to work and I’m not able to get all the prep done. (I’m in bed for almost 12 hours a night. No really, I’m not underslept.)
7) Start baking more often, like once a week, so that I get more familiar with how to bake and I don’t make as many mistakes. (I ruined a couple batches of dough. That was frustrating.)
8) As long as I live in this house–make sure that I have completely cleaned off every single surface in the kitchen the day before baking. (There is not room to have anything else out and bake. And if I try to do it in the same day I get angry.)
I think that is enough from this situation. All that said, I’m only mildly twinging on feeling bad about canceling the party. I’m sad to not see my friends, but I can rectify that by making plans to see people one on one. That’ll be a good thing.
I’ve decided that trying to have a party this weekend is noticeably increasing my stress and I’m unlikely to have that great of a time because I will feel bad about all the ways I feel I have failed. It’s really not worth it right now.
Sorry folks. I suppose it is lucky that not very many people wanted to come.
I get too upset about stupid things. I got all excited about getting my mom’s recipe book and I decided that I was going to make Every Cookie Recipe In It. But you know what? That’s not realistic right now. I am stressing myself out for something really really stupid. It’s time to remember that I am supposedly a grown up and get over this.
My goals need to come down to a more reasonable level. No one expects that I be superwoman except for me. If I say, “You know, I didn’t manage to make your favorite cookies because Shanna kept me busy” no one is going to hate me.
I still feel bad. I’m kind of dumb sometimes.
I don’t like that the tired bear cries. I’m not crying.
Do you know what this is?
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| From Random |
That is proof that my husband loves me. I *love* gift baskets. 🙂 It’s a weird little quirk I have. So I am now nomming a lovely snack plate (9 points) of different stuff from the basket. I feel loved.
Here is Shanna enjoying some tasty Christmas tree. 🙂
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| From Shanna |
There are 23 more if you click through…
I am featured (or at least my voice is) in a documentary about Insex that is going to be shown at Slamdance this year. I was asked to submit a bio. This is… interesting. So here’s my first try. Input is welcome (be gentle).
Noah likes reading the Economist and they are giving us a free year for a friend. Would anyone like it?
Update: grabbed. Thanks!
If you would like a Christmas card it is worth checking and seeing if I have your address. I’ve been pretty good about updating my address book recently when I’m sent addresses for things like parties but it may not be wise to assume I have your address. Unless I have sent you a baby picture recently. Those folks can assume I have your address.
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It’s really hard to figure out how to word a Christmas letter with biographical data avoiding all references to the fact that for both of us our main hobbies were sex or bdsm with just about as many people as possible.
Today I made four batches of Cinnamon rolls. This was after a fudge on the first attempt when the dough wouldn’t rise. Bother. I also made and put in the fridge: molasses crinkle dough, sugar cookie dough, and refrigerator cookies.
I went through nearly 10 lbs of flour and like 3 lbs of sugar. I need to go buy more flour before I can make more cookies. 🙂
This is so much more fun that studying for the comp exam. 🙂 I asked Noah for a laptop-free day and he was awesome about it. He read me some Peter Beagle stuff for a while and he spent some time reading The Moral Animal and talking to me about it. We also MST3K’ed a few Christmas movies. It’s really been a wonderful day. 🙂
And now my darling little boobie monster is falling asleep while eating. I’ve been impressed by her overall good nature today as I’ve spent very little time with her.