Money and family

Every time I deal with my family they ask me for money. Either to pay for something or just for actual money. In the cases of my cousins/niece/nephew asking for college money I don’t actually mind much because I think that is a worthy cause to donate towards. However I do mind in other cases. I called my sister to ask if we could take her out to dinner for her birthday. Her response was, “Oh good, cause we have a dinner planned for me and I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay for me and the kids.” *blink* So that means that a)I wasn’t invited in the first place, and b)that I get to pay for her entire family. I get that I can afford this more than them–I do. But I’m starting to really resent being treated as a walking checkbook. 🙁 My sister told me that they are planning to go to TGIFridays for my nephew’s birthday and Red Lobster for my niece’s. I kind of wonder if they told me just so that I can pay for it.

My uncle called me this morning and told me that he wants to buy a car for my niece and he was hoping that I would contribute money so they can buy her a better one. I told him that given that we just paid for my cousin’s tuition to a vocational program, we are about to hand my nephew money towards his tuition, and we have a trip to New Zealand next month–no, we can’t give them money. He then proceeded to kind of whine about how he can’t find anything within their budget but there are x, y, and z cars that are much better for only $5,000 more. I kind of saw red.

This is a lot of the reason I stopped talking to my family years ago. They’ve done this to me since I was 16. Whatever amount of money I have to live on I stretch. At this point Noah makes far more money than I ever dreamed of living on, but we also have financial goals that are fairly tight within his salary range. We can’t reach them if we support my whole family, which I don’t want to do anyway. Hell, I feel guilty asking Noah to pay for as much for my family as I do.

And don’t even get me started on my mom.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10 thoughts on “Money and family

  1. bellaballanda

    *hugs*

    you have a little one to think of (and probably another one eventually, yes?)…

    Do not feel bad/upset/wrong when you put your foot down and say no…

    I applaud you for helping with tuition. That will really make a difference in people’s lives (school that is)…

    A car… well…. Tuition over car.

    Reply
  2. rose42dance

    I don’t even have siblings, and yet I also experience how family can indeed be expensive, and I understand the teeter-totter of paying for something (or things) within your budget, and then being asked to pay for more things. I applaud your choice to assist some with tuition as you can. That is an investment which will (hopefully!) bring more incomes to the mix in years to come, once their respective schooling is completed. Cars are less important, especially since they already have a budget for one. So what if it’s not a “better” one – whatever they get will be better than none, right?

    Reply
  3. japlady

    YAH, we’ve been there.

    Tuitions good, offering to have you pay for the whole family… bad. Expecting you to put down 5k for a car, utterly unacceptable.

    Not that you need it but I could forward you the paper I wrote once upon a time about how family members of entrepreneurial Navajo will routinely drag them into bankruptsy with exactly this behavior.

    The good news is I doubt your family members will start accusing you of being skin walkers and witches.

    Reply
  4. debbieann

    sorry, that sounds really hard, one of the things I found really hard about India was having so much more money than most people, it was uncomfortable, and they weren’t family.

    Reply
  5. madameblake

    It sounds like it is time to take a stand for your family, your family – you, Noah, and Shanna. It doesn’t matter that you are better off than other family members. When you don’t have money you don’t plan dinner out for your child’s birthday. You make a nicer than normal dinner at home and buy a cake mix and bake a cake yourself. If they aren’t willing to live within the means that they do have – it is highly unlikely that they have any real appreciation for what you are giving them anyway.

    And about the tuition, I would be writing up legal agreements for the money and make it “a loan” and only in the event that they can’t get other student loans. Hopefully they are also working at jobs while they are in college.

    What are you getting out of this relationship other than being taken for granted?

    Yeah, I know – I’m a bitch.

    Reply
    1. baileythorne

      Say “no” loud and clear

      I agree with Blake. And I also know people don’t value what they don’t have to work for. So stop the flow of good money after bad.
      Think hard about why you even consider saying “yes”?

      If/when you *want* to give money to others, do! But being the default “go to person” for cash won’t stop until to give a clear message that it’s no longer an effective way to get that cash.

      –bailey

      Reply

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