I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. I feel anxious about all kinds of things. The comp exam, interactions with people, am I doing ‘enough’ in various ways, and of course my ever present internal push to be Mary Poppins. (People keep saying Martha Stewart and Hell No I think she is a wasteful twat.) I don’t keep my house clean enough. I feel confused by the barrage of information out there about health and diet and trying to be good to the planet. I feel confused by the myriad of different parenting philosophies. I feel like I am not being a good enough partner to Noah. I feel like I am not exercising enough. I feel like I must be doing Something Wrong as a parent. I don’t have any frame of reference for ‘normal’ for children so I have no idea if she is doing alright. (I think she is, but how in the hell would I know?) I alternate feeling kind of lonely and feeling like I am tired of dealing with people and it would be fine if I never saw anyone ever again. I feel frustrated by stupid interactions. I feel like I am being judged and found wanting in just about every way. I realized yesterday that my mother plans to come up here for Shanna’s first birthday party and she plans to fly to Oklahoma in July. How in the hell is she going to pay for that? Wait–is she going to expect me to? I am feeling a lot of pressure to save money and yet it seems like one of the easiest things I can do to help me not stress out all the time is spend money. (I think I’m fairly frugal but of course there are people out there who are more frugal so I feel like I am awful and terrible.) I have this problem of feeling like if I am not in the top 10% of (x) skill/ability/talent/whatever/activity then I am obviously pathetic and a loser.
That paragraph is hard to read. That’s how my brain looks right now though. I’ve never heard of postpartum anxiety but this doesn’t sound like postpartum depression. I’m not sad. I’m just anxious. I’m not happy with the fact that having a baby made it so that I don’t enjoy sex much. What the fuck happened? I enjoy the closeness and the intimate feeling, but it’s just not all that… exciting. I feel really fussy about having to be the one to initiate dates and sex when most of it is happening because it helps Noah stay cheerful. I understand that I have to be the one to initiate because I’m the one who can get Shanna to sleep most of the time, but still. I don’t feel sexy or interesting anymore. I gave a friend most of my ‘interesting’ clothes this weekend. I have weird feelings about that. On one hand I won’t be able to wear any of it for a long time (I’m too fat) but I feel like I just gave up on being interesting. I’m not worth looking at like that anymore. I’m completely de-sexed. I’m really thrilled that she is getting to enjoy the clothes though and I’m happy she is going out and having fun. So I get to feel like I’m a nice person for assisting her in fun and I get to feel like I’m just kind of pathetic and lame because I’m not having that kind of fun anymore. It’s a mixed bag.
So yeah. I feel like my brain is going close to a mile a minute lately and there isn’t much I can to do calm down and just feel content. My life is where I want it to be and that is hard. I’ve always been striving in the past and I don’t know how to stop doing that. I need to find my zen and just be happy in knowing that I accomplished (almost) everything I wanted to accomplish. It’s ok that my house isn’t perfectly clean–it doesn’t make me a bad person. Noah doesn’t care. I actually don’t care that much of the time. I worry about the hypothetical people out there who do care. I feel like they think I am pathetic because “You have all that time at home and your house is still dirty?!” It’s all about projecting stuff.
And I’m still freaking out about my therapist being dead. I wonder if that is part of the reason I have so much fuss bubbling to the top right now because I just found out that I can’t go process any of it with the person I process with. AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m sure that postpartum can make all your hormones go crazy and anything you’re already prone to can be worse….
*hugs* and your brain isn’t the only one that looks like that sometimes….
This question is totally flip and insensitive, but… you didn’t give away your beautiful black and white leather corset to someone who wasn’t me, did you?
On a more serious note, huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs. I understand the whole brain-that-won’t-shut-the-hell-up thing. Oh man do I ever.
She says it’s a long-term loan, not a ‘give’ but I totally did. 😛
Curses.
Oh, and by the way, excellent icon.
I had PPD but it manifested as deep anxiety. I also felt desexed until my second child was nearly two. I get where you are.
I didn’t take any medication until the second child and second ( more sever) bout of PPD. In fact no one diagnosed me until the second bout.
Prozac, good old prozac helped like a motherfucker as did therapy. Things changed radically for the better after that.
I’d see your midwife/gyno, find a person to process with and consider (just consider) meds. Or natural versions of meds. It really helped stop the spinning for me.
XO
I’ve started thinking about digging my placenta out of the freezer. Can’t hurt, might help. (It’s a Chinese cure for PPD. It’s apparently pretty miraculous.)
PPD is a spectrum … Karen might be able to share some perspective on that.
On top of the T thing…well, there’s plenty of reason to be off your game.
*hugs*
While I’m no expert, Terps and I talked recently about how some people manifest anxiety while others manifest depression from basically the same stimulus/horomones.
I’m on the anxiety end, btw.
(did something yesterday make things worse?)
Yes, but nothing to do with you. 🙂
positive mantras or lists help me when I get into that state.
for each of your failings that you list, also list one success
or give yourself a good talking to in the mirror about how Noah loves you the way you are, not the way you think you should be, and isn’t beating up yourself really saying that he has terrible judgment when he picked you?
These are both pretty basic, but they can force you to at least acknowledge the positive things in your life when everything seems to be spiraling.
YMMV and all standard disclaimers…
::hugs::
Nursing and Sex
My drive went way down while I was nursing. Now that my son has weaned my sex drive, and the sensuality that went with it, are manifesting again. Makes life interesting after 2+ years. Your experience may be different.
This made me laugh
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/09/p.dads.want.out.house/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
WOw. Umm. Are you in my brain…that’s pretty much… For me, going on Zoloft has helped a lot. I seem to be able to turn off my brain now. Or, at least, i’m aware i need to turn it off.
Yow. I’m sorry it’s being hard. I get that chatter-head-from-hell thing too. With me, it indicates low progesterone. I take hormones for that, but I am on the severe end of the spectrum, plus I’m old.
Other stuff that helps me and is very safe is folic acid, 2400 mg/day, and omega-3, 3 grams/day (shrink recommended both). The folic acid is downright dramatic, for me and for my daughter. ymmv, of course.
As far as sex, yeah. That happened to me and others I know. It got better. To everything, turn, turn, turn…
I think you are amazing. It always sounds to me like you are a deeply thoughtful and attentive parent and partner, and like you are incredibly productive. I hope you feel better.
well spoken. I totally have those fears. Except I don’t even have a kid. Anxiety is a bitch. Thanks for sharing. It reminds the rest of us that we’re not alone in our feelings (or me at least).