One of my wonderful friends told me that I inspire her because I have accomplished so much and I started out with so little. If I stop and think about that even semi-objectively she is right. But there is always that voice in the back of my head saying, “But you didn’t do ‘x’ and you failed at ‘y'” and those things seem to cancel out my accomplishments. But why? How do I lose credit for the things I have done? I got a high school diploma. I was the first one in my family to do so. I managed to avoid pregnancy/abortion when most folks in my life circumstances didn’t. I am not an addict and I seriously doubt I ever will be–given my familial background that is huge. I have a bachelors degree and a teaching credential. I have been to five foreign countries. I have been to 30 states including an amazing backpacking trip in Alaska (have I said thank you lately, DA?). I am a fairly technically skilled top. I am a very good teacher. I have a good eye for putting together colors in interior decorating (if I do say so myself. :P). I’m a good mom. I’m a good wife.
I am sane. I own my shit. I am good about boundaries. I give and receive respect. I am an honorable person.
If I fail the masters exam what have I lost? I lose out on the chance to have a piece of paper to hang on my wall. I lose out on the ability to feel snotty and superior because of my formally recognized education. In reality I won’t be more educated if I get the piece of paper. I will still be in the top pay bracket if I go back to teaching because no one can take away the units I have earned.
I’ve been having a serious identity crises lately because I feel like who I am has somehow become less since I became a mother. It’s rather bullshit though. I’m not actively doing a lot outside of being a mother right now, but that’s ok. That is the season of life I am in. I wanted it and doing this does not devalue me.
I am good enough.
That is the season of life I am in.
This is exactly it. You can play many roles, and do many things but not all at the same time. Right now, you’re focus is motherhood. It’s what you want, and is the right choice for you right now. If it is not the right choice for whatever reason later, you have the option of choosing a NEW path – whatever is right for you.
*hugs* Looks like I missed a few things. I’ll read soon.
You *are* good enough.
And all the good things you do for your daughter will last through her life and her children’s lives, unto the tenth generation.
It’s far too early in your life to start judging whether or not you’ve accomplished “enough.” A life’s work is built a day at a time, and you can’t do everything at once. You’ve worked on your own psyche, found love, built a solid marriage, learned a profession, and borne a child. That’s a hell of a lot to accomplish.
It’s sometimes hard to organize [different from what I expected me to be[5 minutes ago, 5 months ago, 5 years ago, 20 years ago]]=![absolute value of “good person”]
I have twinges of that sometimes too, that I am not “all I could have been”. I didn’t take up many of the opportunities presented to me: I could have been so much more! I could have been something entirely different!
Instead, I am me. A pretty good me. And the me I am right now is pretty darned okay. You too.
Well said! You should print this out and hang it around the house.
I can relate to the id crisis. For me, i (shamefully) get caught up in the expectations that i should WANT to go back to work. Like somehow, being at home isn’t enough. I feel like i failed at life somehow,because i don’t see myself working in an office and feeling content.
I like the idea of this is the season of life you are in…seasons are fluid and changing. I like this.
It’s so wonderful to see a post like this.
Amen.
Well said, and thank you for saying it. I was beginning to worry after the I’m A Failure bit a couple of days ago. I’m still thinking good thoughts for you.
You’re more than good enough. You’re damn awesome!
Yes yes yes
On the other hand, I don’t like this part:
“If I fail the masters exam what have I lost? I lose out on the chance to have a piece of paper to hang on my wall. I lose out on the ability to feel snotty and superior because of my formally recognized education. “
1. You’re giving brain-sweat to the possibility of something other than a good outcome (you have feedback from your previous attempt, and you’re smart/accomplished. You can do this.)
2. You’re playing sour grapes
3. I don’t think you pursued an advanced degree to “feel snotty and superior”
I think it’s bad to devalue the loss you’d feel if you don’t get the outcome you want. Feeling some regret would be natural.
A Smart Old Guy once told me:
“For most people it takes 800 attaboys to equal one oh-shit. Happy people make that the other way around.”