So I’m not really sure how to talk about this here but given that I’m me I feel compelled to try. I have crashed really hard. I now get to experience how difficult it is to take care of a kid while depressed and it really sucks. I’m doing it anyway because life doesn’t wait for me to feel happy or good about myself. There is still a baby to cuddle and read to and feed and change and nurse whether I feel up to it or not.
If you sum up the last year and a half it kind of makes sense that I’m losing it. One of my close friends died after an overdose and then my therapist, whom I saw for years and years and was very close to, did the same thing. And another death in my extended family was kind of the topper even if this one was expected and less tragic. I failed out of the masters program after seven years of work. I’m not sure why my writing was good enough for all those years but it just wasn’t in the end. I didn’t manage to have the home birth I was so set on; I suppose I should just be grateful I escaped the hospital without a c-section. I’ve had a miscarriage of a baby I wanted very much. I’m having an extremely hard time with some stuff with Noah; I’m really feeling very inadequate and pathetic. And on top of all that I had Shanna–which has been wonderful and fulfilling but a lot of work and physically stressful and my system is not recovered yet anyway. Many things about my core identity have been challenged in some pretty difficult ways. I feel like I don’t know who I am.
So I’m lonely and depressed and I desperately want to cut. I’m not doing it only because in some weird way I feel like it would be unfair to Shanna.
Huggs and comfort.
I’m trying to find something to say that’s not just a virtual hug. But there’s not a lot I can do, and we don’t have a lot of contact. All I’ve got is that I love you, and I have faith in you–I know how strong you are. And *hugs* anyway.
That’s a lot – and you’ve been carrying it pretty well for a long time.
Is therapy with someone else an option?
I think the miscarriage alone is enough reason for therapy – it was for me. Add the other grieving too, and the other stressors… If I were in your shoes, I would have felt desperate a lot sooner, I think.
*hugs* and best wishes.
I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. I am going to try and handle this.
I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know if I have the right words to say at the moment but let me know if you need anything.
You’re not alone in doing unhealthy things in response to extreme stress (do we all? smoking, over-eating, not sleeping, etc). Hope you’re not beating yourself up about it. Caring (physically or emotionally) for someone else often keeps me from doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Good on you for getting out of your own head long enough that you’d stop yourself from cutting because you’d never want her to do the same (which is what it sounds like). You learning how to process extreme stress without being self-damaging will enable her to do the same someday, by her watching what you do. You really deserve commendation for that; few of us are so self-aware and instead just pass on bad habits down the generations…
Oh man…
any one of those events plus general depression would be enough to do anyone in. I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk more the other night but it was great to see you in person however briefly.
I don’t have any advice to offer other than let people love you even when you can’t love yourself.
::hugs::
I am sorry you are feeling bad.
I have some suggestions for things that might help. None of them are about how to manage feelings cognitively. They are all about how to help your body–emotional blows are endocrine events, and getting one’s brain back from a bad emotional state has a lot to do with getting one’s body chemistry back to a good place. Pregnancy and miscarriage are even more direct chemical events.
Before I say more, I want to ask your permission to give advice. Let me know if you’re interested.
Your ability to make responsible choices despite your feelings speaks to how very strong and good you are. You are an amazing mother, and an amazing person. I hope you feel better.
First off: Thank you so much for respecting me enough to ask me if I want advice. I appreciate that more than I can express.
I am aware that all of this is physical as well as cognitive. I would be glad for you to tell me about things that might help. I’m already exercising a fair bit. I am eating extremely healthy foods (though I am not actually eating *enough* right now) and taking vitamins. I had some alcohol last week but I kind of recognize that I need to not do that again for a long while. I’m not sure what else I should be doing just now.
The fact that you’re realizing all of this is a really powerful tool in ‘getting back to right’.
Elaine calls this “layers of the shit cake”, any one of these layers is hard, all of them combined is devastating.
I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t been said already, just know you’re in my thoughts.
*hug*
(((((intarwub hugs)))))
I’m sorry you’ve crashed. Please take care of yourself?
I have Fridays free and can drive up if you need someone physically there.
Call on us anytime, sweetie.
Hugs honey. Take care of yourself (as much as you can), and your beautiful baby. I’m sorry your having such a hard time. I’ve experienced similar feelings and all I can really say is that it gets better. Everyone falls at one point or another, and it’s a challenge to get back up. But you can do it. I wish I could offer something more than words you may not want to even hear. *big hugs*
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
You know the number if you want to talk.
well, poop…
with all that shit going on
in so short amount of time
is no wonder you’re feeling beat to hell.
really,
like 9 of the 10 most stressful things
that *can* happen, did.
it’d send me running, screaming into the night.
breathe. breathe.
enjoy your child.
be accepting of help.
make it to tomorrow.
repeat.
when i finally gave up on avoiding live journal the other day and saw how much stress you had to deal with in the past month or so, it was truly appalling. so sorry these things are happening to you (especially all at once), and I hope you are finding ways to take care of yourself as well as possible during this difficult time.
I’ve been bad about checking in on here lately. I’m hoping the stress has given just a little. I am glad you started with a new therapist, too. I hope the person is a good fit.