Words

35 Replies

Reply to this meme by yelling “Words!” and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you. *edit* Or just five words that I want to see your associations with/thoughts about.

Aging: What a way to start. Overall I find I enjoy aging a lot. I’m figuring things out over time and I’m pretty happy about that. It’s really neat to see what my body is doing. I’m trying hard to get to the point where I actually enjoy myself all the time so that I can stop looking back and saying, “Why didn’t I like myself more!” I find I am far less critical of myself physically now and that’s nice. I think what is bothering me the most about aging is I thought I would figure stuff out faster/earlier/better/something and I just haven’t. I spend a lot of time still feeling as stupid/confused as I did when I was younger. Being an adult looked way easier from the point of view of being a kid.

Mother: This is what I have wanted to be for much of my life. I think I’m doing an ok job of it. I feel hesitant about calling myself a good mother because I feel like those sorts of judgments can’t be made in the moment; I won’t know if I am a good mother until Shanna or I can look back and actually decide. I feel like being a mother is one of the primary ways I can heal from having been an abused child. In being a good parent to Shanna I can simultaneously parent myself in the ways I needed. I find that more than at any other point in my life there is a ‘club’ that I want to be part of. I feel like there are many parts of this experience I simply can’t talk about with people who are not mothers. To start with, there are all the biological changes I want to talk to other mothers about. Do other women feel like they have to start from scratch with their sexual identity? Now I want a community of women more than just about anything but I don’t know how to create it or find it.

Healthy: I’m trying so hard. I want to be physically healthy. I want to be emotionally healthy. I don’t understand why these things take so much bloody work. I feel very discouraged by the fact that no matter how much progress I make towards being more healthy it seems like there is some freakish goal of ‘health’ that is out of my reach. I hate that there is no ‘good enough’. My diet (not in the lose weight sense) is by far the healthiest it has ever been in my life. I eat good food that is good for me in rather reasonable portions. But there is still this specter hanging over me because I am not thin. I’m not actually in bad shape. Walking ten miles in a day is not a big deal to me at all. I don’t feel sore or uncomfortable unless there was extreme uphill involved. But I feel like I am lame/pathetic because those uphills are a bitch and I can’t run to save my life (my knees suck). So I think that being healthy is something that I struggle for constantly despite feeling like I will always be a failure. And I’m not going to get into psychologically healthy today because that’s just a quagmire I don’t need at this moment.

Bisexual: I actually really hate the word bisexual. I actively shun it for myself. My problem with the word is that it presupposes that there are only two genders and people have to pick one. On one hand the word queer has other issues (painfully heterosexual perverts often love to use it for themselves) because it is so broad that it seems meaningless but I still like it more than bisexual. I feel really weird about referring to myself as queer anymore because I get all the heterosexual privilege and it feels kind of weird/pretentious/uncomfortable to try and get any benefit from also being not heterosexual. It feels too much like I am trying to have my cake and eat it too. On one hand I was strongly into girls long before I was into boys, on the other hand I’ve only ever really fallen in love with one woman. I seem to be much more romantically attached to boys. It’s all so very confusing.

Writing: Shame. That’s my instant reaction to that word right now. For all that I write constantly (the internet is my primary connection to the world) I feel like an abject failure. I feel like failing out of the masters program decided for all time that I am a pathetic writer and I should just stop trying. That’s hard because there is more than one book I would really like to write. I have started writing two and I periodically will work on them but then after a while I feel so critical of my efforts that I delete all progress because I’m obviously too awful of a writer for anyone to want to read a book I have written. It’s hard. I have never identified strongly as a writer and yet I have periodically had things I’ve wanted to say and I communicate best in text. I think some of my short stories have even been good–but it’s so easy for me to feel like that was a fluke. I want to write. I want to be a writer. But just like dancing/being a dancer I feel like I just don’t deserve the title/activity.

35 thoughts on “Words”

  1. voyeurprincess

    Words! (please)

    I’m trying hard to get to the point where I actually enjoy myself all the time so that I can stop looking back and saying, “Why didn’t I like myself more!”

    Ooooh, I understand that. Luckily(?), my memory is bad enough in spots that I don’t really remember why and get to focus on liking myself NOW. That ends up being more practical, anyway.

    Reply ↓
  3. ribbin

    Words!

    Writing- I’m working on that myself right now, and learning a lot about how to write. Lemme know if you’d like some ideas to mull over that have helped me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      The funny thing is: I wasn’t in a writing program so it’s kind of doubly funny that I failed out because of my writing. Anyway.

      Body Modification (I don’t care that it is two words)
      Rebellion
      Academia
      Literature
      Stability

      Reply ↓
  4. pantryslut

    To start with, there are all the biological changes I want to talk to other mothers about. Do other women feel like they have to start from scratch with their sexual identity?

    I would be interested in hearing about the biological changes you’re thinking of. I did not feel particularly like I had to start from scratch with my sexual identity, myself. Part of that may be age; I’m significantly older than you, and by now my sexual identity feels pretty imperturbable (although not unchangeable). I noticed some minor things that I’d be happy to elaborate on, but for me they were transient.

    Reply ↓
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I would really like to talk with you about this. I’m not sure I have the coherence to write about it though. It’s big stuff. Like I managed to internalize the Madonna/whore crap; God only knows how. I have been having a much harder time with getting turned on and being fairly hyper sexual has always been a big part of my self image–the lack is really hard. Orgasm is barely there at all for me. I feel even more conflicted about being queer. I feel far more conflicted about casual sex. Casual sex feels demeaning now in some really odd ways.

      I don’t really understand where a lot of these feelings came from.

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        1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

          I would like that. As you can tell I am flakey about responses online so it’s better all around.

          I’m best with week days. Are you all near bart?

          Reply ↓
  7. rbus

    passing a writing program has nothing to do with writing. did you pass a fucking prgram, by chance?

    words.

    Reply ↓
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Well it seems like it took me a while to sit down and get to responding to you so a lag on your end seems thoroughly justified. 🙂

      Confidence
      Stay-At-Home-Mom
      Power Tools
      Travel
      Advice

      Reply ↓

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