Noah’s parents sent us a box of stuff for Shanna. She loves the duck. The book is a bit over her head so it will go on the shelf for later reading. The clothes are all very adorable. There is something funny about the clothes though. They sent a mix of sizes. As in: 6/9 month, 12 month, and size 5. She wears 18 month and is rapidly heading towards 24 month. I find this kind of funny. 🙂 The too small stuff will go into the baby clothes box and Little TBD might wear it. Luckily we have a box of WAY too big stuff (started with that excellent juggling shirt from Andrew) so we can store stuff for later. 🙂 At least his parents send clothes I like unlike my mother. 🙂
I think I need to give up on having friends. My life is pretty lonely and I need to figure out how to come to terms with it because fighting against it is making me really miserable. Very few people are willing to make any effort to see me and even those people are too busy to do it often. I’m tired of being the one to put in 100% of the effort in relationships. I’m tired of trying to make new friends and having it go pretty badly. Like driving 30 minutes to south San Jose for a play date only to find that the mom I am meeting brought a friend and they sit there talking to each other…in Russian. I feel like going through a list of the things I try to do is a comedy of errors but it’s gone on long enough that I’m not laughing anymore. Scene people have dropped me completely. Shanna goes to sleep at 8/8:30 so dancing just isn’t an option. This is my life. People don’t want to visit me. I need to stop fighting it and just accept it so that maybe I can stop crying.
The friends thing will get easier. When Miles was a baby, I drove my next door neighbor so crazy with my neediness that she started hiding from me 🙁
It loosened up for me when I started working again part time, and more when he started going to school. Given that you’re not going to do either of those things, you’re going to have to find some ways to open your life up to other people. Start or join a writer’s group or book club, join an exercise class, advertise for a walking/running partner, see if there’s anybody interested in dancing in the daytime instead of the evening. (Other new parents, perhaps, or people who work night shifts.)
It’s not good for you or for Shanna for you to define yourself purely by your momhood — you have lots of other things going for you, and you need to keep those parts of you active and open.
I don’t understand the thing about dancing? G. and I sneak out after ‘bedtime’ semi-regularly while Steven stays home (he hates dancing and crowds).
Unfortunately, we’d need late-night babysitting to do that. could go by herself, of course, but she’s not interested in that — the dance community is hard to get into and hard to find partners for, especially as a past-20 female.
She knows people, of course, who will happily volunteer on LJ to dance with her. Unfortunately, that often doesn’t translate into finding partners in reality. It’s much easier to get people to say “sure, I’d dance with you” on LJ than to get people to do so in person, just as it’s easier to get somebody to promise you a dance than to actually dance with you at the time they agreed to.
On the plus side, you can always get a rousing LJ-babble of condemnation going for the people who don’t show up for their promised dances — including from the people who stood you up. It’s entertaining, at least when you’re not trying to find dance partners.
It’s possible that we go to the wrong dance events. I’ve had no trouble getting people to say “yeah, our events aren’t like that.” So far I’m batting 0% on finding events that are genuinely not like that, though. The percentages vary a bit on drama and being stood up, but none of them are convenient to Fremont or available at times Shanna’s okay with, so “slightly less annoyance” isn’t enough to make regulars of us.
We did have a good Tango class for awhile. It’ll probably be next year before they hold it again, alas.
So you’re talking about partner-dancing? OK, that makes more sense. Thanks for explaining it to me.
Yeah, I do ballroom dance. I’m less into the club scene because I get a headache after a very short period of time.
Would it help to have a post-bedtime babysitter? I’m not sure of the logistics, but I’d be willing to help if it means you can get a night out of dancing. Now that Noah is back from Burning Man and just got off call from work I’m pretty flexible schedule-wise.
I thought that was “balloon” dancing…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLKPON-mlxQ&feature=related
and she *still* can’t meet any friends?
I second Janet’s views. Parenting young kids is inherently isolating for stay at home parents. IME, getting the guys into preschool changed everything. In our case, it was coop preschool in which you had to be there participating (and in our case attending parenting class one night a week).
And yay cute clothes! Maybe the variety of sizes was because they wanted to know at least some would fit?! I often give way too big clothes on purpose cuz they will fit eventually .
I know it is isolating. We aren’t going to be doing preschool so I’m not really sure what to do. I’ve tried a lot of things and had them all fail over and over again. I’m really sick of feeling rejected and unwanted.
I am unemployed and have not been getting any substitute calls.
I would love to come over sometime and play with Shanna and help you sort baby clothes and drink tea.
Basically, not on a Friday night or Saturday before mid afternoon due to my Waldorf classes, other than that my schedule’s pretty damn open, and will get even more open when leaves Oct 4 for London for 3 months, so date night won’t even be happening.
I need to get out more and am willing to drive.
Let me know?
That would be dandy. We are available during the day pretty much every day. 🙂
I’m starting school this week but it’s only Mondays and Wednesdays so all other days of the week I’m pretty available. 🙂 I can call up Elyse and see if she’ll want to drive up for a visit sometime, I actually haven’t seen her in decades either.
Let me know when you’re available, darlin, I’d really love to come see you and catch up and meek the littl’un’.
Anytime during the day next week I am available. I have classes I’m taking in the evenings and we have a date night scheduled next Friday.
I would be thrilled to see you and Elyse.
Another thought: One of the ways I solved the problem of the hiding neighbor is that she and I, and another friend of hers, pooled our money and hired a babysitter for all three of our kids (theirs were preschoolers, mine an infant), so that we could go together to yoga class once a week and then out for coffee afterward. It was nice.
I know two parents in Fremont. One set is rarely available, flaky when she says she will show up, and they are 100% opposed to anyone watching their kid who isn’t related. So I spend about 30 minutes with that mom once a month, usually because I push for it. The other parent in Fremont runs the mom group I am leaving because I am sick of being lectured about holistic health stuff that is over the top and unsupported by most science. I still see her once in a while, but once again this is 100% at my initiation.
I’ve tried all kinds of things to meet people and it all seems to suck. I don’t feel like I have the energy to continue beating my head against the wall of trying to meet people.
Speaking as a kid whose mom really didn’t have any friends outside of coworkers and so her whole life was based around her precious angel, I’d recommend against settling for that. It doesn’t work out well for anyone. Of course, that doesn’t really help with the situation.
It’s hard to get socialization needs met when you don’t really get out much. Getting over the hump of finally finding something that works is a bitch. <3
“Of course, that doesn’t really help with the situation.”
No, it doesn’t. It helps guilt me more which isn’t helpful in the slightest.
I leave the house almost every fucking day. Thanks.
My bad. I didn’t mean to make things worse.
I know you didn’t. And I should have waited longer before responding. You mean very well and if I had waited longer I would have found gentler phrasing. I’ve been trying and getting shot down *a lot*. Your comment upset me because it was rather rubbing salt into the wound that what I am doing is not only failing to find friends for myself (which is good for me and what I want) I am potentially putting myself into a position where I will be more of a failure as a parent. That’s a hard thing to hear right now. I am trying.
Not being able to find/see friends sucks. I’m sorry that’s where you are right now. If you don’t have the energy to continue the head-meets-wall-ness of it now, it’s okay to take a break from it for a bit without giving up on it entirely. Maybe you could set a specific/definite period of time to just let it be lonely without the energy-drain of trying to do anything about it, recoup for a bit, and see if you come up with any new ideas for ways of approaching it when your “rest period” is over?
Whatever you do or don’t do, I hope you find/figure out a way to make it work for you.
I hope you make your peace with the way things are now. What are your weekends like in terms of socializing?
Enh, very hit or miss. Mostly I spend time with Noah and we go find things to do like art and wine festivals. I do really like the time with Noah. The problem for me is that other people don’t initiate contact and that’s a hard thing.
I know that you have very different socialization needs. 🙂
I think if I were in your situation I’d be unhappy too.
“that the mom I am meeting brought a friend and they sit there talking to each other…in Russian.”
sheesh!
you should write T.V scripts.
I’m telling you… it’s amazing the shit that happens to me.
hope you’re keeping track.
Have you considered co-op preschool? Henry just started his toddler class and it meets once a week for a little over an hour, and the parents attend with the kids. It’s a great way to meet people.
We are homeschooling. 🙂
Perhaps you should reconsider if you’re already lonely when she’s not even 2 yet.
A helpful comment would be, “Then maybe you should find a homeschool meetup.”
I am trying to be helpful, but that isn’t what I meant.
You know what Krissy, I was out of line. I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to needle you when you’re down.
Thank you.
*waves*
We’ve never been 100% close but I start school on Monday and only have school Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. I’d love to do lunch and play with Shanna sometime…. I mean if you’d like (wow that sounds a whole lot more self deprecating than I wanted it to).
I think that would be a lot of fun. I’m really good at making food. 🙂 My schedule varies dramatically from week to week so I can’t say, “X day is always good”. This coming week is feeling like I need to not be very busy but the week after is wide open.
Chiming in late, since i’m getting caught up on LJ. We would love to hang out with you. I know i went a bit MIA (it wasn’t you, it was me…just sorta had a rough go with life..blah. blah. blah. and went off the grid.) Anyhoo, Fridays are normally open and Monday afternoons are also good. Harry’s naps are so flakey, that he can always nap in the car.
Let’s try to get together, if you want.