Quite some time ago (more than three years) I embarked on the journey of permanent body modification. I didn’t start the project lightly. I assumed for most of my life that I would never get a tattoo because they were usually a bad idea. But I started dreaming about this tattoo and I decided that I wanted to do it.

So here is the story, once again, including pictures.

When I was a little girl my big brother was hit by a car. Most of my childhood is divided in my head as ‘before the accident’ and ‘after the accident’. He sustained a severe traumatic brain injury and his disabilities prevented him from having anything resembling a normal life. He was understandably very bitter about this. Before his accident he was a charming, gorgeous, physically amazing boy. He was an extremely good athlete. The accident took all of that away from him. He spoke very unclearly and he shook at all times no matter how he tried to be still.

Not too long into his recovery he was sent home from the hospital to try living with family to see if his recovery could progress best in that setting. He had, to put it mildly, mood issues. He hated me for being normal. He hated me for not having all of the horror he had. Now that I am an adult and have reached a place of compassion I feel a lot of pity for him and I no longer hold his vindictiveness against him. Then it was different. My brother spent a lot of time trying to do me physical harm even going so far as to come into my room in the middle of the night with knives as he tried to kill me. Of course this was very damaging to me psychologically.

The house we lived in had a willow tree in the front yard. I spent a lot of time hiding in the tree because my brother was unable to reach me. I found solace and comfort and safety there. It became a very powerful symbol for me and it remains so.

The tattoo on my back is of a willow tree and a woman reaching into it. There are banners in the tree representing all the things I am striving for in life. Things like: honor, faith, love, trust, hope, dreams, joy, and most importantly forgiveness. I am doing my best to find forgiveness for all of the things that happened to me both for those who victimized me and for myself. At the bottom of the piece are rocks and brambles and two banners with the words anger and fear. Those are the things I need to conquer to reach the things I want so much. The girl is naked specifically because before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and knew no shame. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing I need to hide. I did not originally intend the apples in the piece–most especially because apples are not exactly native to the willow species–but my artist wanted them as a symbol and I have to say that it has grown on me. In my quest for the things I want I have certainly tasted of the fruit of knowledge and I don’t know if it has helped or hindered me. I also did not originally intend for the word dream to be part of the piece. My artist wanted me to use it and given that the idea for this piece of art came from my dreams it seems fitting. I do want and choose to follow my dreams.

The piece took me something like 16 agonizing hours. I never managed to sit for longer than an hour and a half in one sitting. Because of my extreme wussiness I didn’t manage to finish before I got pregnant and then I had to wait until after Shanna was old enough to do without milk for a while. I would absolutely recommend my artist, Barnaby, to anyone. He was patient and loving throughout this experience even though I was a trial to him.

And now, pictures:

From Tattoo

From Tattoo