Monthly Archives: October 2009

No place like home.

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I was thinking tonight about the fact that I have lived in Noah’s house for a while. If I add up all the individual stays with Auntie in both of her houses then I probably lived with her for five and a half-ish years. But that’s between two houses and never more than a two years consecutively. I lived in the house I was born in for just shy of four years. I lived with Tom for a bit over three years. I’ve now been in Noah’s house for almost three and a half years. So I passed up how long I was in Tom’s house. I’ve passed up the longest consecutive time I lived in Auntie’s house. I’m closing in on how long I lived in the first house.

Wow. It’s almost like this is a permanent decision. Weird.

Just life

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Getting ready for a party this weekend is more stressful than I thought it would be. My house is in a weird state of flux because of the garage project. There is a ton of stuff in the house that is normally out in the garage and finding spots for everything is a nuisance. It doesn’t help that I have weird/stupid compulsions about having my house look neat and orderly when people I don’t know come over. If I could manage to not care this would all be much easier. 🙂 [Just so people don’t think I am not inviting you to a party–it’s a going away party for a friend and the invitees are her friends, not mine. So I’m hosting, but it’s not my party. Kind of weird.]

Shanna’s development is no longer as dramatically quick. Her progress is still rapid, but it’s slightly less startling if that makes sense. Now it is on a more predictable trajectory. She is more and more kid-like by the day. Her speaking is amazing to me. She picks up signs as quick as I teach them to her which means I should focus on more signs that are relevant to her. I gave her crackers for the first time this week and she’s in love. I wasn’t withholding them for any particular reason, I’m just not a cracker person so I don’t have them around. I can’t stand stuff that is crispy like that in my mouth. I guess she won’t have my texture fuss. This will make her life easier. 🙂 I really should post pictures of her.

Using our not perfectly accurate scale it looks like Shanna has gained almost three pounds in the past two and a half months. That makes sense. She is eating like it is going out of style. I’m starting to feel slightly frustrated with her wanting food all day long because it is hard for me to work on projects when I have to stop and help her with food. She can feed herself but if I let her go at it alone the mess is prodigious.

We took her to her first Gaskell Ball this weekend. She had a great time playing with the other little girls at the event. One of the things that is hard for me about living in Fremont is I am far away from my friends and all events. I would really love to be able to host baby dance parties during events like that and have all the folks I know drop their kids off. I think that is even more fun than going to Gaskells but it’s not going to work out. No one wants to drive down here for that sort of thing.

I find it pretty funny that at this point I have far more stuff for organizing than I have stuff to organize. 🙂 I have a lot of empty space in my house. This pleases me immensely.

I’m starting to feel a mixture of excitement and trepidation about painting the garage. I have really cool ideas, but I’m not particularly artistic. I will have a hard time if I put in a lot of effort and it looks really bad. I’m not sure what is the best way to try and get something vaguely pretty given my level of (zero) art skill. I’m great at doing basic house painting. Well, by great I mean that I am neat–I don’t like doing it much. 🙂 But I really like the results so I do it.

I asked my bio-family if it would be ok for me to host Christmas this year because I like to share the load and not put everything on my aunt. But my cousins won’t come off the mountain and I don’t want to alienate them so it won’t be happening. So my 70-something year old aunt will be doing all the work for everyone again. I think my family sucks.

I haven’t heard from my mom in months. Not since she grudgingly sent me some money towards paying back what she borrowed from me. I’m feeling unfortunately justified in my not so awesome opinions of her. Thanks for using me then ditching me again mom. I appreciate the reminder of how much you care about me.

I’m still having to struggle with my upset at feeling used by people in general. I know that no one means anything bad. It doesn’t matter if people mean to be treating me like shit or not if they are it hurts. But I’m the only one responsible for my feelings. I can point at a bunch of different things making this harder right now but it doesn’t matter what excuses I have. I need to deal with this because I’m making myself miserable and the only one who notices is me. It would be nice to be happier. I’m trying.

Oh, and I cut my hair. A wonderful friend got a great picture: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9522728@N08/4043845455/in/set-72157622662085684/ That was after a long day of me running my fingers through it and putting it up then taking it down then messing with it then shaking my head to resettle it. Isn’t it a great haircut?! I’m pretty excited. I think it may be one of the best haircuts I’ve ever received.

Rules for my sandbox.

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This journal is my space. I get to decide how it is used. If you object to the rules you are free to leave.

1. Do not assume a post is meant to solicit your opinion. Most of the time I am posting because I use this journal as a combination of safe space for me to work through my stuff/thoughts and a way for me to do record keeping. I have a weird/spotty memory and I have trouble keeping everything straight sometimes. I am good at using tags and at finding things again when I need them. Posting here does not constitute a request for anyone to tell me what their opinion is on any given topic. I do not write for an audience I write for myself. I choose to post publicly the things I write for myself because that is a medium that keeps me writing.

2. Be respectful in your tone. I post about things that some of my friends disagree with. I have the right to do that in my space. No one has the right to speak to me as if I am stupid in my space. If you think I am stupid, stop reading and go elsewhere. I am not trying to get everyone to agree with me or to approve of me. I am posting my thoughts and opinions. If you have different opinions by all means feel free to write about them in your journal. I will not go there and tell you that you are wrong or that you need to change them to be more in line with my opinions. If you want to engage in debate with me I suggest that you monitor your tone quite carefully. If I think you are being an asshole I will delete your comments and not respond to you. I’m not ok with my journal being turned into a space that causes me stress.

3. I am not completely opposed to debate. Sometimes debate can be really awesome. Most of the time I am content to leave the debate to other people who are able to do so more calmly than I can. There is one frequent commenter in particular (Mr. NotMyRealName) who can open debate on my journal at any time on any topic. This is because he never implies in even the smallest of particulars that I might be stupid. Even on topics where he feels a rather high level of frustration (it seems) he manages to still debate in a way that is respectful and polite to all involved. If you like debating on my journal it is worthwhile to watch for his posts because I could not possibly come up with a better example of the sort of disagreement/debate I welcome.

4. Don’t bother to leave a comment that begins with, “I think you should” because I am not interested in hearing it. If you really really want to give me advice on a topic where I have not solicited your advice you can leave a comment saying, “I’m really bursting with a piece of advice I want to give you. Is it ok to share it?” Sometimes I will say yes and sometimes I will say that it isn’t a good time. It isn’t a personal rejection if I am not in the mood to hear it. I regulate most of my life pretty carefully to avoid stress and my personal reactions to unsolicited advice are such that I need to minimize it wherever possible and I can only do that completely in some circumstances and I need to do that where I can.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I am not on any form of medication. I regulate these disorders by having a pretty firm control on my life and the stress points in my life. I am not always capable of responding in a completely “rational” manner to things that other people believe I should. I am always doing my best. Comments, tone, and attitude affect me far more than other people believe they “should”. It is absolutely completely and totally irrelevant to me if anyone believes that I “should” be able to do things in a way that I cannot. In other situations in my life (face to face interactions, other people’s journals, other forums, etc.) I do not get to have much control over how people interact with me and I deal with that. Here I get to have iron control and it is good for me. I do not care if you disagree with me about any of the ways I enforce rules in my journal. I need to do it and I do not need to assuage anyone else’s ego.

I probably should simply turn off comments entirely. They are frequently a source of stress for me. However, comments are frequently my main interactions with a large number of people I like very much. So instead I am asking that people who supposedly like me honor the rules I set down for my space. I will talk about things that will frustrate you, anger you, piss you off, annoy you, and make you want to smack me upside the head. I am not going to be silent just so you don’t have to have those feelings. Pretty much everyone who reads this is a grown up. You get to be responsible for your own feelings and you don’t get to tell me how I should change my opinions or actions so that you don’t have to experience any of those feelings of upset. They are yours to manage. You can set rules in your space for managing them. I am setting rules in my space for managing my own feelings. You can abide by them or leave.

The harshness of this aside, I do appreciate that my friends usually speak out of concern for me, Shanna, or whatever it is that I am talking about. I have intelligent, well-spoken friends. Many of you mean very well but your tone sucks. I am not saying that I hate any of you or that I don’t want interactions with you. What I am saying is that I want and need a space safe from criticism and hostility and I will get that even if I have to stop interacting with you to get it.

Well isn’t that funny.

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Shanna’s pediatrician tried really hard to talk me into the H1N1 vaccine. I told him I would go home and do more research. He said that 15% of women in their third trimester who get it have died. That’s scary. Well, yes that does sound scary. Until you go to the CDC site and look at more information. One person died. One. And she had asthma which is a known complication that makes it more likely you will die. And the regular flu vaccine? 90% of people who die from normal seasonal flu are over 65. The other 10% usually have some sort of other medical complications.

Here are some shots I’m skipping, thanks.

It’s official

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I’m going to Portland. Just to visit people, I’m not moving or anything. 🙂

On the 16th of November I leave my house and drive to Eureka. I will be staying with a friend overnight and chit-chatting. 🙂
On the 17th I drive to Eugene and stay with a different friend. We have lots and lots to talk about because I haven’t seen her since before I got pregnant.
On the 18th I drive up to Dad’s in Vancouver. I am staying there till the Friday after Thanksgiving. It means I am missing Turkeyfest, which is very sad. Noah is thinking he might go without me. 🙂

So, would anyone like to see me up in Portland?

Ladder!

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So next Tuesday we will be putting drywall up in my garage. This is very exciting to me. I am curious if anyone has a ladder I can borrow. Probably not more than 8′ and 6′ would be better.

In addition to generically begging for a ladder, if you have time on Tuesday during the day this is the sort of project where additional help could be really really handy. 🙂

It may not be sexy

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But I’m pretty darn sure I want a food processor for Christmas. Given the ridiculous amount of cooking from scratch I do (daily) the chopping of vegetables is way old. Mmmmm more power.

Of course I am doing research online, but it seems to be a toss up between Cuisinart and KitchenAid. Any strong opinions you want to share with me on this topic?

Holidays

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I appear to have zero interest in Halloween this year. We aren’t doing anything. I think we will probably get some candy and hand it out but I don’t plan to dress up. I have no plans for dressing up the kidlet either. I just don’t care. Meh.

Thanksgiving isn’t feeling particularly interesting either. Just… meh.

But I’m excited about Christmas. I’m thrilled about being able to get Shanna cool toys. I’m kind of weird about buying toys ‘just because’ throughout the year. So this feels like my excuse to get her stuff, which I want to do anyway. I’m kind of weird.

I have invited my bio-family to come over for Christmas dinner but I’m not sure they will do it. I have one whole ‘wing’ of the family who doesn’t like me much and I think they would just skip a family Christmas event rather than come here. If they are going to say no then I am not going to host at all because I would feel bad about keeping them from seeing everyone else. It sucks being a pariah.

So yeah. I kind of wish I had a chosen family thing going these days but that isn’t working out. So maybe Noah and Shanna and I will just stay home by ourselves. That way I don’t have to worry about people hating me or flaking at the last minute.

It’s a good thing I have the best husband ever.

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The problem is that I’m a pretty hardcore extrovert. It takes a lot of people time before my cup feels full. Noah has been trying really hard lately to help meet my needs. I appreciate that. It’s hard for him. He’s not an extrovert. He needs alone time. But he’s paying great attention to me and I need to focus on that for a bit. Best husband ever!

For all that I’m really frustrated with attempting to be social (and boy howdy I am) I’m overall doing ok with my life. I’m not bitter or miserable minute by minute. Just frustrated when I think about how crappy many people are.

An illustration

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So I keep saying that people suck and then other people feel defensive. In the past six days (or five, depending on how you count) I’ve had four people no-show on plans. Just not show up. Not say anything about canceling in any way. I’ve heard from one of those people since saying, “Oops. I fell asleep. I’m sorry.” But the other three? Complete silence. For some reason it seems to be bad form to point out that people are behaving like total assholes. You are supposed to just suck it up or shrug or something. Fuck it.

So this is why I’m pretty hostile about people.

Today is an awesome day

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Cookie season is upon us! It’s the time of year when we must all worship Fat Satan. (Blame Noah for that bit.) Six dozen chocolate chip pecan cookies. Shanna is very much Noah’s daughter. She’s kind of obsessed with the cookie dough. It was cute.

Shanna is currently down for her second nap of the day. We haven’t done that in a while. I think it’s because she woke up at FIVE THIRTY THIS MORNING. Freakin kid. Doesn’t she know I was out late drinking? Sheesh. No respect. 😉

I’m really enjoying the “whoo hoo winter is coming” feeling of the day. On that note, I think I’ll go have some hot cocoa. 🙂

I’m starting to hate Dell

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There is this one customer service guy who keeps calling to check up on the computer. The computer that isn’t here. When I tell him it isn’t here he is really snotty and asks when it will be here. When I tell him I don’t know he scoffs. You know that scoffing noise in the back of the throat? I’m really tempted to tell him he is a fucking asshole and I want to talk to his manager. Part of the problem is he is calling from India and I can’t understand him. The problem isn’t his accent, the problem is the quality of the phone call. I can barely hear him and when I ask him to speak up he gets really rude. He has called three times. I think I hate him.

Interesting point of view

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Before people jump down my throat I AM NOT POSTING THIS BECAUSE I AGREE WITH EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF INFORMATION IN THIS POST. Did I say that clearly enough? Please don’t start lecturing me because I am stupid enough to believe something like this, thanks.

But anyway! With that lead up! Here is an article that says we should be grateful to the Duggars because their kids will be paying for our Social Security: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203917304574413792994350108.html

Still looking for balance

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I have this little problem. I have a hard time being bad at things. This is a problem because there are a lot of things I really want to do/be able to do and I have enormous psychological issues getting past the ‘beginner’ stage. I would rather madly love to be able to sew and be crafty. When I run into small issues I more or less stomp my feet and declare that I just can’t do it and I go cry. Very mature and all that. But I don’t exactly want Shanna to be like this because there is a whole world of things she currently can’t do. So I need to start working on this. It’s hard for me.

I also have this problem of feeling like if I take downtime then obviously I am a lazy git and I just suck. This isn’t true, but guilt overwhelms me a lot of the time. This is even worse because I project this onto Noah and treat him like he is a lazy git for wanting down time. It’s not very nice of me. In my defense I have done a lot of work on that and I am way better towards him than I used to be. I can still improve quite a bit though.

Some days I feel overwhelmed by the long list of ways in which I am a deeply flawed human being. There are so many things “I need to work on” that I feel like there isn’t much of a point and I should just quit. I obviously suck. Why bother working on anything? ARGH!

I finally got the Google Reader set up today. This pleases me. Now I can actually keep up with the myriad of neat parenting and homeschooling blogs I like. See, I did something new to me. I realize it wasn’t rocket science or anything but that little hurtle is a big one for me.

We finished doing the insulation! By “we” of course I mean Taylor. I think I owe Taylor something like five years of favors for this project. I do help…a little… but mostly he has been doing the work. Of course I feel a lot of guilt for this. This project has given me some interesting stuff to chew on. I really admire guys who are handy and into household projects. I think that is just fricken awesome. Of course then I married a guy who isn’t like that. It means that I have a hard time appreciating it sufficiently when Noah does stuff because I treat him like he still isn’t doing enough–that’s not exactly incentive for him to try, now is it? Let me be clear here: Noah does a lot of stuff around the house. He just doesn’t do house projects for fun. They are different categories of stuff. Noah’s idea of a fun project is something involving a computer and several hours of me and Shanna leaving him alone. 🙂 It’s different. So if I want house project stuff done I should work on getting better at doing it myself. I am more grateful to Taylor than I can adequately express in this space because fiberglass insulation by myself with Shanna would be an f’in nightmare. Thank God I didn’t have to do that. It would have taken me a year. But I need to stop getting myself into situations where I expect a man to come rescue me. I need to get better at doing stuff myself or not starting at all. Erf.

I’m having a hard time finding balance between social time and time at home. I feel super super busy lately and I’m falling behind on house chores. But if I stay home much more I start feeling depressed and lonely. I don’t know where the ‘just right’ balance is here and it’s hard. Maybe part of the problem is that I spend too much time out of the house being social and almost zero time in my house being social. Hm.