{f-locked so it doesn’t port}
SO I found a couple of students on facebook whom I remembered particularly fondly. Then the flood came. And more are coming! And they are going on and on about how wonderful I am and how much I impacted their lives. They think I’m funny. They think I’m brilliant. They think I am insightful. I can feel my ego inflating as I read. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately that I practically want to crawl to them and grovel in gratitude.
Despite the fact that most of my ‘friends’ don’t really give me the time of day–my students love me. I’ll take it.
“Despite the fact that most of my ‘friends’ don’t really give me the time of day”
As someone who considers myself a ‘friend,’ I’m kind of hurt/don’t know what to think of that.
Ok. Given how much effort I have put into staying in contact with people over the last year and some and how very little effort has been returned I get to feel this way.
I guess what I’m saying is when you say “people” are you saying ME, and if so I’m sorry you feel that way about me.
I also said ‘most’ not ‘all’. I do have friends who have put in significant time and energy over the last year. There are a few who have put in very modest amounts of energy. And then there’s everyone else. You don’t fall into the significant amount of energy camp and I bet you knew that without me saying anything. You do occasionally pop up. You talk to me when you can. If you feel like you should feel guilty when I say, “most people don’t give me the time of day” then that isn’t necessarily about me. Do you feel like you should put in more energy? Do you feel like I shouldn’t say that about you? Do you feel like damnit you have tried and if that’s not good enough then my needs aren’t reasonable? All of those options are valid.
In the course of my adult life there have been hundreds and hundreds (maybe up to a thousand, I’m not sure) people who have called me ‘friend’. Most of them have completely disappeared from my life. I think it’s ok for me to have moments of bitterness about that. That doesn’t mean that every single person in my life sucks. I didn’t phrase it that way and I don’t mean it that way. You live in a different state and you are incredibly busy. You pay attention to me when you can. That doesn’t ameliorate other peoples shitty behavior nor my fuss about their behavior. I’m sorry that me expressing things about my life feels like a slam on you–it’s not.
I’m not trying to diminish your feelings about this nor suggest that you shouldn’t have expressed those feelings. I’m saying that when you expressed those feelings, it made me wonder if you felt like I was among those people who made you feel that way, and that it bothered me if I WAS, and I wanted to know, and acknowledge your feelings.
If you’re asking, I feel like I should put more effort in with EVERYONE, but that’s my own stuff. I feel like I actually do give you a relatively high amount of attention on the scale of how much I generally communicate with people, but that doesn’t mean that it makes you feel good. I don’t know that I could do a whole lot different, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty about not being better at this stuff, not just with you. I thought you should know that I think about you just about every time I walk up my stairs, because I have a pile of things I’ve been meaning to send to you.
Yay for your students!
The students in the JanTerm women’s studies course I taught (on 24 hrs.’ notice; the prof was hit by a car the day before the beginning of classes) made me a huge thank-you card that they all signed. I keep it tacked up on my office wall as a reminder that I *can* be a good teacher when I’m teaching something I care about, which Composition, sadly, isn’t.
I’m glad your students know how to take care of an excellent teacher — and I have no doubt that you are, in fact, an excellent teacher.
uh…
it’s 4:39pm, eastern.
(Arbus. You are a naughty bad boy. On the plus side, you made me giggle.)
thanks, pal,
for getting the joke.
Every now and then, I run into a former student. It’s really nice to hear that they enjoyed my class and that they learned something, or it made their life easier. I can only imagine the adoration a good teacher (you) can get from students you’ve had for a whole year.
I TA’d one class fall of 2007 and I still get frantic waves on campus when I run into my students. It’s a great feeling!