The problem is that I’m a pretty hardcore extrovert. It takes a lot of people time before my cup feels full. Noah has been trying really hard lately to help meet my needs. I appreciate that. It’s hard for him. He’s not an extrovert. He needs alone time. But he’s paying great attention to me and I need to focus on that for a bit. Best husband ever!
For all that I’m really frustrated with attempting to be social (and boy howdy I am) I’m overall doing ok with my life. I’m not bitter or miserable minute by minute. Just frustrated when I think about how crappy many people are.
I apologize if this sounds like advice – I think I’m just trying to clarify something. Has joining an established group with regular meetings come up? Something like a class or a book club or some other group that’s alreaday got a set day, time and location, regardless of whether 2 or 20 people show up. Just wondering.
I have attempted such stuff. The problem is that I can’t find anything a) kid-friendly b) within 30 miles of my house c) talks about stuff I have any interest in d) is not after 7pm.
It’s kind of a bitch. If I skip any of the above then I can find stuff. A lot of the distance limitation is because Shanna screams her ever-loving head off if we are in the car too long. Then I’m in a bad mood before I even show up.
Yeah, that’s a set of limitations, all right. Hopefully something, somehow, will work out soon.
I’m told quite regularly that my life would be better if I just ditched Noah with Shanna and went out at night. Well, my social life would be more active. But I don’t want to do that to my husband or kid, thanks. It’s hard to express that I think that is bad parenting without offending the hell out of all the parents who do it. Oh well, huh.
I think having a one night a week negotiated time without her (maybe one every two weeks, but when stuff alternates it tends to be easy to put it off) for you to go be social would be good parenting in terms of taking care of you so you can be a better parent to her the rest of the time. But IANAP, so what do I know? You’re also taking care of yourself by holding yourself to the model of good parenting you have, so it is kind of a trade-off.
Noah and I both go out occasionally, but not very often. Nights when one or both of us go out tend to be more expensive because dinner is a lot more difficult with one parent here. Nights when one of us go out tend to be much more stressful and shitty for the parent at home. (I’m burned out after a day by myself and Noah doesn’t do that great by himself–he gets anxious.) With both of us here things are just easier for all three of us. It takes us a day or so to recoup the extra stress. So if we both went out once a week we would be spending noticeably more money and we would have up to four nights a week where one or both of us was pissy. I don’t think that’s a net win. Spreading that out over two weeks is slightly easier on Shanna, but still kind of cranky-making.
This is added on top of the fact that Noah needs noticeable time off to spend in his office by himself. It’s not as regular as it used to be, but it is still a noticeable chunk of our schedule. All of these problems could be mitigated if we were willing to throw money at them but money is a finite resource and these don’t seem like good uses of it.
Sometimes there isn’t a good solution. I don’t pretend that I am a victim here. I am making choices. But other people are making choices too. The fact that there aren’t good parenting groups for me I am working on getting over. That I can’t do much about. The fact that I make specific one on one plans with people I have years of history with and they flake? That I am allowed to be pissed off about.
Until our kids are older we don’t have an alternative we like. I am not going to ditch my kids for my own self-fulfillment. I think that kind of attitude is responsible for a lot of the issues I saw my students having. I can wait. My kids aren’t going to be little all that long. I may whine, but this is the best choice for now.
And it’s my damn journal. I can whine if I want to.
As you like, then.
I suggest expressing that it’s not right for you, thanks (which is the truth, yes?), without judging other people’s choices — same as you expect from them.
(I confess I do not understand how it’s bad *parenting* to leave a kid with a *parent* ;P Which is neither here nor there as to whether it’s a good choice for you [all] in general.)
I could explain it to you, but I don’t think it would make you particularly happy.
Everyone judges everyone. It’s how human beings work. We look at the choices that people make and we make evaluations of them and proceed to decide whether or not those decisions would work for us. I think that the idea of not-judging is kind of silly. I expect that people do judge me. I think the difference here is that I expect people to judge but then basically keep that judgment to themselves. The big exception being that people can express their judgments as much as they want in their own space, which my journal is.
You said, “It’s hard to express that I think that is bad parenting without offending the hell out of all the parents who do it,” and I suggested a way to express it without offending the hell out of people. If you don’t want that, why the concern?
I think the judging thing is a cop-out. Of course I judge people; but I also know that people have extremely different personalities, needs, wants, drives, and I take that into account. Other people don’t, but that makes no difference to me in the end, does it?
I’m sure you could explain it; it’s not so much that it wouldn’t make me happy (nor is it your job to make me happy, nor do I particularly care one way or the other, really, no stakes and all) as that, fundamentally, I wouldn’t believe you. No skinn off my nose either way, though.
I think perhaps it’s a difficult situation to do it when the parent left home suffers significantly increased stress, which in turn is absorbed by the kid. I know in MY situation, my husband and daughter have a good dynamic, my husband isn’t freaked out by spending extended time alone with her, and most important to me (as I write this, on a 5day trip away from them) my daughter trusts my husband to comfort her successfully in my absence. There is more positive for my family from us doing alone/separate things than there is negative. If this were not true, I would not be able to make the choice to do things like travel away, because I would feel that it were bad parenting. So perhaps the judgement can be better absorbed in a context that reflects different situations and different cost/benefit analyses.
It is one of the things that I think you can’t really understand about married life till you do it. Balancing the need for “us” time, against “social” time and “alone” time…when both people (or more) have widely different needs in each of those areas.
Tank mentioned the other day that me being a bit run down (fighting the edge of a bug) was a blessing in disguise for her…because I’m more willing to crash out on the bed and watch Tv / Snuggle with her, than when I’m well.
You do have a wonderful husband, he’s one of my favorite people that I barely know.
Awwwww 🙂