Most people talk about the first year of their kid’s life as being really difficult, sometimes awful. For me it was rather good, you see… I wasn’t ovulating. I didn’t realize how much that affected everything.

I feel like I’ve gone crazy, again. I’m having behavior problems and mood swings like I haven’t had in years. I’m having a terrible time… some of the time. Then I’m fine again. I really should start keeping track of my mood swings on a calendar because I bet I could learn to pinpoint the exact days I am going to freak out. I feel like I can’t handle anything some days. I’m doing ok with Shanna, some portion of my brain allows me to have patience with her when I can’t have patience with anything else in the world.

I feel betrayed by people. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. It’s getting to the point where I am angry all the time towards most people. I’m having horrible violent ideations. I’ve injured myself multiple times recently in the midst of temper tantrums. I feel such extreme anger that I am kind of worried about myself. Two of the people who have put the most effort into a relationship with me over the past two years are planning moves right now. It feels devastating beyond words. I feel totally abandoned.

I know in some part of my brain that there are still people who are trying, but it’s really hard to think about them. I feel like it is literally a struggle to remember who they are and what effort has been put in.

I liked the therapist I was seeing for a while but her business hours don’t coincide with times Noah can stay with Shanna. This is getting pretty scary. I feel like I don’t know how to handle this right now. I’m not managing my crazy. After doing so well for so long it feels like I am a complete and utter failure and totally pathetic. I’m tired of having panic attacks. I’m tired of … I’m tired of being me.