{short list} Feeling safe

I haven’t been posting filtered stuff. As a result I have ceased to feel safe posting about some of the stuff going through my head and I’m tired of feeling like I can’t post on my journal. So I’m back to filters. This isn’t a particularly broad filter. There are many cases of one person in a partnership being on this filter when the other person isn’t. I’m not asking you to keep secrets from your partner but I would prefer if you didn’t go out of your way to bring this stuff up. I still like all of your respective partners I just don’t want to be argued with right now.

So yeah. I’m not feeling very safe lately. It’s kind of a broad feeling in my life. When people argue with me I feel like I should shut down. I’m not doing a good job of being present for me lately. I’m rather depressed and it is coming out in weird ways. I’ve always been good at carrying on with the things I feel I have to do even when I am depressed. I got out and was rather social up in Portland. But I cry myself to sleep a lot. I feel hopeless. I’ve spent rather too much time thinking about suicide lately. I haven’t even told Noah that in person. I feel like I can’t say it out loud. I want to die. I’m tired of hurting. I feel like even stupid arguments mean that people think *I* am stupid. That my opinions are pathetic. That I am an inferior, disgusting person. Even when people do nice things for me I feel like it is not appropriate because I don’t deserve it. I feel like I deserve to be treated like shit.

I feel like I am holding on by a thread some days. I haven’t cut yet but man is it hard not to. I feel like the main thing keeping me from cutting is my lack of time to do so. I refuse to be so pathetically selfish as to neglect my child while I indulge in my ridiculous self obsessions. I don’t want Shanna to suffer because I am crazy. I am going to do everything in my power and man do I have I lot of it to keep her from knowing just how far gone I am. I no longer believe I will ever get better. I did too well for too long before this abrupt crash. At this point I am more resigned to cycles. I hope she never has to understand this. God it is hard being stable for her. I find myself being much quieter. Sometimes when I can’t help crying around her she is so wonderful. She always gives me hugs and kisses and pats my face saying, “Mama sad”. I hate myself for letting her see this.

It started before the miscarriage so I can’t even blame that. It just… happened. God I hate my mother. She’s been calling again and I would kind of like to scream at her about how her behavior has hurt me throughout my lifetime. She’s calling because she wants access to my kids, not because she wants a relationship with me. I hate that she doesn’t love me. That’s the real problem. I see her lack of real love for me as an indication that I don’t deserve it.

I don’t know what I would do without Noah. He is so good to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve him but please God let me not fuck this up. I need him so much.

10 thoughts on “{short list} Feeling safe

  1. ribbin

    You have come an incredibly long way since I first met you. You’re an amazing mother, and together with Noah you have built an excellent home for your beautiful little girl. I love you and Noah and Shanna very much, but you’re first on that list- I’ve known you longest, and I know you best, and I feel closest to you.

    So- hugs and love! I’m not your mother, but I like to think of myself as a friend. A distant friend wrapped in his own little world perhaps, but still a friend.

    Reply
  2. ditenebre

    Sweetie, I wish I could find words to help this feel better, but I know I can’t. It has to come from inside you, and it’s going to take time.

    If it helps any, I do know what it is to have suicidal thoughts, and I know that love for your child can bring you back away from the edge, even when it seems nothing else can. Not that I’m discounting the power of the love you share with Noah, but there is a difference.

    I am so proud of you. I’m proud of who you already are and who you are still becoming. I’m proud of all the work you have done to get yourself there. I’m proud of the wonderful relationship you are building with Noah. And, I’m proud of the very fine mother you have become — especially since you’ve had to live with the effects of horrific parenting from your own parents.

    I love you.

    Reply
  3. baileythorne

    I have been amazed at the life you have built. You’ve done the hard things that so many talk about but never do: go to school, get an education, learn to budget and manage money, live with values I respect, value what you have in your life.

    I can’t pretend to know the depth of your pain. I didn’t realize that I’ve always taken it for granted that my parents love me. Thank you for helping to understand that.

    I’m very glad you have Shanna in your life.
    –bailey

    Reply
  4. satyrlovesong

    Oh darling!

    Yes, those feelings hurt. Yes, you’ll probably always have them to one degree or another. Externally, there is nothing that we, as your friends, can really do to reassure you. *WE* know that you are bright and strong, well worth our love. But you can’t see into our hearts so must take us on faith, and sometimes that’s just too hard to do.

    I refuse to be so pathetically selfish as to neglect my child while I indulge in my ridiculous self obsessions. I don’t want Shanna to suffer because I am crazy.

    I think this will be a rock for you to cling to in your emotional storms. Shanna is your child, and you have a responsibility to her that you’ll never have to anyone but another child. I look at myself, and then I look at my daughter, and I marvel how much more stable she is at her age than I was at mine. I think a lot of that comes from my efforts as a parent, both in giving her a loving and supportive environment but ALSO by sharing age appropriate mistakes that I’ve made.

    I think you’re a good person, a good mother, and a fine lady. You do your best, and that is the most anyone can do. Even when you feel like a hopeless wreck, or a slacker, or an “inferior, disgusting person”, I hope you remember that you’ve accomplished much more (with grace and integrity) than much of the world even dreams of.

    Reply
  5. capnkjb

    HEY LADY

    YEAH YOU

    I HEART YOU

    YEAH I SAID IT

    I CAN’T UNSAY IT

    SO THERE

    Inasmuch as is possible, I understand and sympathize. It fucking sucks.

    Reply
  6. waltzingmatthea

    Oh, Krissy. I can so relate to what you are saying; I understand about not feeling safe, but feeling like you have to keep it quiet or pull it together for everyone else. It’s an awful feeling. I can’t say, “Oh, I understand completely,” because I don’t, seeing as I’m not in your position, but I can certainly relate and sympathize. Crying yourself to sleep sucks eggs, and I’ve been in the place of considering (and even attempting) suicide, and it’s really tough to get through.

    I agree that it’s your journal and it is absolutely your prerogative to write whatever you want to write.

    For what it is worth, I think know you are a fantastic and beautiful human being.

    If you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to call. I don’t mind being woken up in the middle of the night. Let me know if you need my number – I can give you the number for the house line, too.

    Finally, if you ever want to get away from it all for a little while and see the lovely city of Rochester, you are always welcome in our home. I know plane tickets are expensive, and Rochester is not as exciting as many other places, but the offer still stands.

    Reply
  7. nisaa

    All I can say right now is I’ll see you on Sunday and have hugs waiting for you. You’ve been through a helluva lot lately. But you’re talking about the dark scary stuff and NOT acting on it, which is good.

    I care about you. You are important. You are loved.

    Reply
  8. paulaandandrew

    All the above comments and then some? I’m not very good at writing pithy, meaningful stuff. But I have been VERY IMPRESSED with how much effort you put into your life, Krissy. It can’t be easy coming from a fucked up childhood into the stable and loving relationship you have with Noah. (And Shanna, of course.) If there is a God, maybe Shanna and Noah are your gifts from that entity to help you undo what happened earlier. It may seem dark today, but does it help to contrast now with years ago? Look at how much love you are surrounded by now.

    I have a vision of your Mom like a very annoying mosquito in the otherwise calm bedroom of your life.

    Yes, you may have miscarried. Yes, that’s hard. But: with what you are feeling now, it would be even harder to add pregnancy on top of that, eh? And I’d guess your hormones are majorly fucked up and adding to your depression. And maybe it’s in the plan that you will add to your family a bit later when you feel more stable.

    I can come help mud early next week, but my back is wonky so overhead will not be likely :-/

    Reply
  9. shalyndra

    I still look up to you and admire you no matter what state you are in at the time. I think Noah and Shanna are fortunate to have you in their lives.

    As much as you don’t like unsolicited advice, I wish I had advice to give about your mother. I’ve never been able to cut things off with my own parents no matter how many hurtful things they keep doing. I do take inspiration from how you handle things, though.

    Reply

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