I just kind of want to babble and I feel guilty doing it at folks on IM sometimes. 🙂
We bought into the Disney Vacation Club. It is probably not the very best timing ever given all the other financial schtuff coming up right now (teeth issues, birth, increased health insurance costs with the new job) but it’s not going to screw us over in any way. I have been feeling really trapped lately and just knowing that I have that ability to go to a hotel for a few days and it is already paid for is actually helping me feel less panicked. Not to mention that as I’ve had a few days recently of feeling fussy/not well I have really enjoyed the escapism of getting to look into possibilities for future vacations. It’s kind of like playing Lottery Fantasy only I will almost certainly get to actually do it. 😀
Loneliness comes and goes. I’m doing better than I was for a while. I have started scheduling specific time with a friend and it’s actually helping. Knowing that he cares enough to carve out a specific day every month even though he is pretty frantically busy is giving me a hefty dose of, “Yes I’m worth some effort.” It helps that he and I share some very strong core values of shared labor. Granted I can’t do a lot of physical labor right this minute, but I can provide a big vehicle that enables him to get supplies for his projects in a way that doesn’t cost him extra money. 😀 And he knows I will start doing labor as soon as I am able. And he loves my kid. 🙂 Stuff with other people is less predictable so I’m kind of hanging my hat on this hang-out with this friend. It’s a lot of pressure for him but he has indicated that he doesn’t mind. And it’s only once a month. 🙂
I’m strangely excited about the kids resale event this weekend. (www.outrageousoutgrowns.com) I’m selling stuff we don’t want/need and I’m getting a cheap thrill out of making at least a little bit of money on the stuff that we have already used as much as we want to. I’m hoping to make enough money to pay for the next size up in Shanna’s wardrobe. Given that I don’t spend much money on her clothes it is a relatively modest goal and I’m selling an awful lot of stuff. So it’s random but I’m excited. I’m less excited about going to drop the stuff off early tomorrow morning with Shanna because I have to place everything out on the sales-floor by myself. That’s going to be uncomfortable. It’ll be ok though. Would anyone have any interest in going with me to the sellers early buying time on Friday evening?
I think it is really funny that I have turned Fetlife into a place where I go to argue about parenting stuff. Not how I pictured that involvement…
I don’t feel all that present in this pregnancy, which is kind of a hard thing to explain. I had that lovely haze of pregnancy euphoria a bit for a few weeks a few weeks ago. Lately I just feel kind of clumsy and lazy but not particularly excited about being pregnant. I have constant low level sour stomach (it always feels wrong to call it heart burn) but Tums make me feel disgusting in a whole different festive way. I’m having trouble feeling really attached to this fetus. I’ve been feeling movement every so often for a while. I’m definitely growing. But… it’s like the miscarriages made me afraid to love the baby before it arrives. I don’t like feeling this way.
I’m having a hard time processing how I feel about the upcoming delivery and how I feel about Shanna’s birth in retrospect. I feel… kind of defensive. I feel like the fact that I got pain meds means that I can’t ‘really’ handle labor even though I never got to the point where it felt all that painful. I feel like I must be lying to myself about the experience. Even though no one has ever contradicted my experience of my birth in any way I feel like there must be people who think that I am weak because I went to the hospital. I feel overwhelming shame about the fact that I needed sleep that badly. Which is really pretty stupid. I know logically that I am not a wuss/weak/pathetic because I needed sleep but I feel like those things are true. I’m scared I am not going to be able to handle the second labor. I’m scared that if it takes a long time I am going to cave much easier and not see a point in fighting for a natural labor because I am obviously too pathetic to handle one. I really don’t know how to handle these feelings. This physical sensation of being too weak/pathetic is overwhelming and I can feel it shutting down huge parts of my brain/body. I know that being afraid is going to cause me problems. My labor with Shanna wasn’t painful until I was beyond exhausted and terrified wondering how many more days would go by before it ended. I really don’t know what to do with these feelings.
Shanna says I am out of babbling time today.
I would recommend reading the book, Birthing From Within by Pam England. It’s very empowering to women who want a natural birth and is highly recommended by our home birthing midwife.
I actually have read it. 🙂 I find that a lot of it doesn’t work well for me. I think I am so fussy about this book because I went to a class geared around it when I was pregnant with Shanna and the instructor seriously sucked. That experience soured the book for me.
I’m more of a HypnoBirthing/HypnoBabies kind of girl. 🙂
Yeah, there probably are some people out there who think you’re a wuss. Those people don’t have perspective (among other things). I’m trying to remember that myself – we’ll see how well that goes. :}
<3
Thanks chica.
*hugs*
I love the homebirth/natural birth movement overall (I’m basically all for being as educated and in control of our health and everything around that as humanly possible), but hate the thread of it that makes people feel like there’s something wrong with them if they don’t follow some script and have things come out a certain way. That message comes through in sneaky ways, as do so many of the ones we internalize. I’m hearing some of that in your last bit there (just before the boss called you from the computer). If that’s totally not where you’re coming from, apologies.
Carrying and birthing and raising kids strikes me as being very much ‘this is what’s correct in this situation for these people right now.’ It isn’t remotely wussy or pathetic to know what your body is capable of, what it needs and doesn’t need, how far you can go with your own body and brain, and what kind of assistance you need when you’re past that point. That’s amazing and complicated and from all I’ve seen, you put a hell of a lot of thought into those things.
I also can’t help wondering if pregnancy with a toddler to run after isn’t going to be a whole different energy from pregnancy without other kids around.
The thing is, epidurals (what I used for pain management) do have noticeable negative impact on babies. My kid arrived fairly unscathed but as soon as you start on the road to birth interventions it’s really hard to limit the interventions. I managed only because I am such a mouthy/pushy wench. It certainly wasn’t because the hospital wasn’t trying. I was technically ‘failure to progress’ and I’m fairly lucky no one ever pushed me for a c-section. If I had been slightly less adamant they would have.
So because there is a slippery slope of interventions it is fucking scary to think of another complicated labor. I’m not actually 100% sure I would have the courage to argue with the hospital staff as fiercely as I did last time.
And c-section is a huge deal. It’s not just a simple matter. There is no way in hell I want to experience that if there is any way I can possibly vaginally birth.
It’s… hard though. It’s hard to be strong and pushy all the time when dealing with a medical system that worries more about malpractice suits than what is strictly best for mother and baby.
And yeah. It is definitely different with Shanna. 🙂
I completely agree that hospitals tend to push ‘their way’ and get it unless one is incredibly pushy. The natural birth movement has been immensely helpful in not only providing information about other options, but giving women the information to push back with. And it’s insanely hard to do. Hospitals are huge…and have Procedures…and doctors and nurses that get tired and/or jaded…and JFC on a pogo stick, I’m amazed anyone manages to successfully fight the weight of all that.
It is hard. But that’s the failure of the medical world right now, not yours. I’ve been impressed at a distance here with the way you navigate, including parenting/birth.
You were stubborn and pushy and stood up for what was best for you and Shanna then. Usually it’s easier to do that sort of thing if you’ve successfully done it before, so I’d expect your chances to be good next time around. (and yes, I think accepting an epidural when _you_ felt it was appropriate is successful) Not that this negates the scary.
There are about a dozen things darting through my head along the lines of “why is the fear more overwhelming this time around?” But that variety of poking at someone else’s brain is unwise without an invite. Plus I’m very definitely at a distance here.
Ok, you have shown yourself consistently as extremely polite and respectful so it’s fine for you to poke around in this instance. 🙂
So far the best I can figure out is that if I had known before Shanna’s birth that it was going to be two days long I’m not sure I would have been able to get through it. I was convinced through most of it that I was much further along than I was. Then my midwife finally checked me and told me that I was only at 4 and I about lost my shit. It wasn’t that it hurt all that much but it took enormous effort to process and stay present and I really got to the limits of my physical endurance.
I’m not great at tests of endurance. I only did as well as I did last time because I thought it would be over faster. I’m scared to go into something thinking it could be that long again. Technically there is a very very very low chance of it being that long again–largely because once the cervix has opened it almost always goes faster–but my fear could slow things down.
It’s all complicated. I feel like I barely made it through last time and I don’t want to barely make it this time.
I can see that. Folks without kids often look at all that’s involved in pregnancy and birth and go “wow…how can anyone do that more than once?” Obviously the rewards are worth it to those as do. 🙂 Add in that you got to have a labor that’s off on one side of the bell curve for length, and it doesn’t seem like fear is an at all unjustified response. Being nonchalant about it might be of greater concern.
But since you know what fear can do to the process, it feels like you’re now also afraid of the fear…if that makes sense. Which seems like a way to spiral into that shut-down you mentioned as fear feeds fear. So, fear is an entirely understandable response, but messing with what body and brain need to be working on now and during labor isn’t desirable.
Caveat: you’re going to know how you process that kind of thing way better than I. This is where I go when I need to rewire what my head is doing when emotion doesn’t match what I intellectually ‘know’-your mileage my vary. My instinct is to try short-circuiting some of that potential spiral by addressing how the body reacts to fear and let that bring the head along. The long breaths, dropping shoulders, releasing muscles sort of thing that you’re probably already aware of, etc. There’s a reason people take a deep breath before plunging into something for which they require courage (and then there’s the whole Lamaze thing). There’s no honest way to tell yourself that the things you’re afraid of aren’t things to be afraid of, but you can control some of what your body is doing about it in the here and now.
It also obviously doesn’t do anything to guarantee a labor that doesn’t leave you ‘barely there,’ but I don’t think anything can (maybe pacts with demonic powers could, but I’m all out of nefarious tomes to offer). It tries to address the nonproductive worry. Bonus side effect is that your body has less stress-effects to deal with, which could conceivably have some effect down the line, just as constant stress is likely to have an effect down the line.
Second instinct is, chat up your midwife. She’s seen and heard more ups and downs of pregnancy than you have, or most of your friends with a kid or three even. Somehow I can’t see you being on great terms with a midwife who’s inclined to pooh-pooh your fears as unfounded, either. I’d expect that she might have some coping strategies she’s seen others use.
Side note. Having you call me polite and respectful is somewhat squee-ful. It’s like watching Julia Child go back for seconds of my dish at some hypothetical potluck. :p
*laugh* It’s not like I’m actually all that much more polite or respectful than anyone else. I just demand it loudly from other people. I’m rather a hypocrite. 🙂
I’m actually looking into NLP and hypnosis as a way of rewiring my brain because right now I know exactly where I want to be and how I want to be feeling… I’m just not there.
Dear Gawd I love my midwife. I have already been talking to her a bit and we will do more at the next appointment. Things were a bit rushed in the ER. 🙂
*hugs*
My mother-in-law is a carrier for Tay-Sachs disease and she has told me that she couldn’t think of her fetuses as babies in either pregnancy until she got back the negative test results, so maybe it is in part a coping mechanism. (How’s that for an atrocious run-on sentence!)
I also agree with; pregnant with a toddler has got to be more exhausting than expecting your first.
And I hereby give you permission to kick anybody who tells you your a wuss for going to the hospital after 40 hours of labour. Seriously, that’s hardcore right there.
Not one single person has ever hinted in even the slightest amount that I am a wuss for transferring at 40 hours. Even the most hard-core of homebirthers has said, “Yeah. That’s a good time to transfer” seeing as I was only dilated to 4 and it very easily could have been another two days of labor.
T and I got into a wrestling match today and I lost. I may not be able to get into a corset on Saturday, but I’d like to still come down to see you anyway. When I do, would you mind talking with me about this? I may have some insight, and may even have advice if you’re interested.
Ack! Forgot to come respond to this!
Of course you can still come visit. And I’d be dandy talking to you about stuff.
May I please have your address again? And I can’t remember – I know I volunteered to cook but I don’t remember if we decided on a plan. If so, would you please refresh my memory?
Please either call or email satyrlovesong@yahoo.com.
40hrs seems pretty hard core to me. Also, sleep isn’t “for the weak: the well-rested, happy weak”. It’s a _serious_ biological need. Even insomniacs who claim they haven’t slept in days are dozing off for a few seconds here or a minute there. Otherwise you go crazy. Heck, even the insomniacs getting a few seconds are pretty loopy. That’s why it’s used as a form of torture. Couple that with pain – no matter how mild it was for most of your labour – and there is _nothing_ wussy about your experience.
but of course, it’s easier to know things intellectually and hard to know them emotionally.
It’s that knowing it emotionally bit that is getting to me. So I’m going to go ask for help with that bit. 🙂