I’ve noticed that with a couple of friends I have a particular issue. So my friends are eldest children and they were assigned a lot of child-minding duties growing up. They very automatically step in and start doing what feels like parenting my kid. I have mostly bit my tongue about this but I’ve felt kind of butt-hurt. Recently I started talking to one of the people in particular and I think that I’m having the feelings I’m having because I have so many issues with my own sister and her attitudes around doing the same thing. But I don’t like that I’m feeling this way about my friends. They aren’t my sister and they don’t behave like her at all. Even if there are some surface similarities in ‘caring for nearby children’ it’s just not the same.
Ok. I’m going to make a resolution for myself. I’m going to work on my butt-hurt feelings. In all seriousness these friends who take these kinds of self-imposed caretaking roles are going to be the closest my children have to family experiences. I really want my children to feel what it is like to have people other than me who love them and take care of them. That means I need to get comfortable with it and not fuck it up for them because of my issues. I really wish that the list of ‘shit to work on’ was getting smaller instead of longer.
(Shanna asked to watch videos so I got to type again. 😛 )
Just a FWIW – have you talked with these friends about them “parenting” Shanna? It may not be (totally, at least) conscious. In my own case – I’m not only the eldest, but I also have cared for kids professionally in one capacity or another most of my adult life. When I’m around friends & their kids, I try really hard not to “parent” or be “the professional”, but sometimes it comes out anyway and I don’t even realize it. I definitely don’t mean to insult the parents and their beliefs or strategies.
I’ve talked to at least one of them specifically and I think I’ve alluded to it with the other. 🙂 I know it isn’t in any way an insult. 🙂
from Debs
Um, what does butt-hurt mean and how is that different from regular hurt?
spouse and i *hated* when other people tried to care for our kids. luckily, my kids hated it, too.
darling daughter once yelled at a well-meaning friend trying to assist with a cup of water “Get away! My MOM will help me!”
and sonling would shout “No! No! No!” when anybody but family tried to help him.
i always acted shocked at their behavior. but it always made me laugh inside.
good thing for us they were far more tolerant once they reached school-age.
In theory I’m actually very interested in the whole ‘tribe’ thing for raising kids. I just have some knee jerk reactions from dealing with my sister. I’m trying to work on them because I want my kids to know that mom and dad are not the be-all-end-all and it’s ok to go to other loving adults for meeting your needs. In my experience that produces healthier people down the road.
And it helps that I have several people in my life who really just are fucking awesome and they love children and want a close relationship with my children and I don’t want to fuck that up.
i hear you about your sister.
i never trusted my little kids with my mom because of the way she treated me – and i told her exactly that when she asked.
it broke her heart – but you pay a price for your actions, one way or the other. *she* was the one who taught me that.
and fwiw, my kids have never thought we were the be-all. i think they told the cats their troubles more often than they came to us for help. but that’s ok because that’s what kitty-kats are for!