Dear Sissy,
You are persistently asking, nay demanding, that I give you information about my pregnancy and Shanna’s current progress. You state that I haven’t wanted to share, but you can’t wait any longer for the information. I’m not sure why it is that you believe you “can’t wait any longer” but you are going to wait quite a bit longer, potentially into forever. I’ll explain why.
In the past year you have made it very clear that if I want to have a relationship it involves “forgiving you” of anything you do at any point. You stated to our brother that “that’s how love works.” No, that is how abusive relationships work. I do not have any obligation whatsoever to forgive people constantly of repetitive hurtful behavior. In fact, it would be strongly to my detriment to do so. I would be showing my daughter that I believe I deserve the treatment you give me by continuing to engage with it and I am absolutely unwilling to present such a view to my daughter.
You came to my house, where you were my guest and I had gone through a great deal of effort on behalf of you and your family, and proceeded to lecture me about how you have to assume all of the matriarchal duties because “No one else is going to do it.” Essentially you were letting me know that regardless of what you actually -do- you are my superior. I reject this version of reality on every level. You will never be the matriarch of any group I am part of. The reason for this is very simple: I have no respect for you. If you nominate yourself the matriarch of our family I will leave. I would prefer having no family over having to tolerate the abuse you consider standard in familial relations.
I will never send you this letter because just like every other text book abuser you would find a way to feel victimized and declare that I need to apologize for being so terrible to you. I am not terrible for pointing out the specifics of your inappropriate behavior I am being honest. I am taking responsibility for my own mental health and well being. I am accepting the overwhelming responsibility of modeling healthy, appropriate relationships for my daughter. I am no longer engaged in the cycle of abuse and I refuse to step back into it.
Sincerely,
Your Adult Sister
That thing you said, I support it.
Not that you need my support, but still.
Amen.
Even if you (the editorial “you”) don’t say it to them’s who needs hearing it, it’s still good to say stuff out loud. I do this a lot too. Because even if they don’t hear it, *I* do.
Wow, your kid sure got the right mom in this equation!
Hugs!
Um yeah, climbing back into the vat of toxic waste is not an option.
Glad you’re verbalizing this. It’s good for me to read, and I imagine it helps you make it clear to yourself, so you can keep on your course of teaching your kids clear and appropriate boundaries, and maintaining those same boundaries for yourself.
go you.
*pout* Aw, you’re going to be grown-up and not send it? Can I imagine you did and that your sister’s head literally exploded? Please???
I keep thinking that I should come respond to this. Do you have any experience dealing with honest-to-God abusers? Their heads don’t explode. They find a way to blame the victim. It’s… messy.
But if you just want to think about her head exploding I’m good with that. 🙂
Oh yeah, that part was pretend pouting. If I thought there was any chance of you changing your mind and sending the letter I wouldn’t have said it.
It would be lovely if words could transform her into a good person though.
As I get older I realize that I don’t need “closure”, I don’t need to share all my thoughts and ensure other people “understand” my position. I just need to know myself. And that tends to really reduce the drama in my life.
I think it’s awesome that you wrote this. AND I think it’s awesome that you are not sending it.
Yeah You!
I’m putting your first two sentences some place I can see them daily, because they are fantastic advice.
It only took me about 20 year to figure that out 🙂