Today I am going to go see my auntie. I’m going to try to explain to her why I am going no contact with my sister and my mother again. I would like to maintain a relationship with her though, and that will require that she understand why I don’t want information about me passed on. It’s going to be very difficult for me to explain to her things about the cycle of abuse. She is not the most self-examining person in the world and she’s in her 70’s. Not usually a time of rapidly expanding ones horizons. I really love her though and I think she is a healthy, good person. She’s just… very much an enabler. She doesn’t want to get in the middle of things.

I’m nervous about this. I’m not sure she can understand and in my “I desperately want approval” sort of way if she just completely doesn’t get it I will feel invalidated. I shouldn’t need her understanding. I really shouldn’t. But I feel like I do anyhow. I’m somewhat tempted to bring the checklist of abusive behaviors. It wouldn’t help at all, so I won’t, but I feel so tempted.

I feel like I am fighting a current of whitewater rapids in standing up for myself. I desperately wish that my family was capable of acting like decent people.