It’s going. I’m not seeking out a doctor at this point in time. A doctor would say, “Here are meds” thing is… there are only two meds that are particularly safe for breastfeeding. One of them I’ve had previous gnarly bad reactions to and the other is one my mother had gnarly bad reactions to (I know that I could have a different reaction but given that I’ve had horrible horrible side effects from every med I’ve ever tried… I’m not feeling up for that).

I have a long, long, long history of depression. I deal with it. I have better days and worse days in dealing with it. It’s going. A friend tactfully asked me about how much sunlight I was getting (very very tactfully phrased–she gets a medal). For the past several days I’ve been making a serious effort to get outside in the sun and walk for hours. It’s helping. It’s making it easier to do the things I have to do.

I’m asking Noah for more focused time together (we played Bonanza tonight–it’s very different with only two players). I’m seeing friends. Dad is in town right now and he’s staying here tonight (though he’s out at a play party right now) and tomorrow.

I’m trying to stop the escalation of anger. This is the hardest part for me right now. If I can stop the escalation of anger then I avoid the guilt/shame/sad/crying that comes from beating myself up for being angry. I’m far from perfect… but I’m trying.

I am being more self-indulgent than usual and I’m struggling to be ok with that. I uhhh think Shanna is going to have a slightly more extravagant Christmas than she should because if something looks like fun to me I’m feeling more inclined to get it. (I’m not going hog wild or anything. I hardly think that a set of fridge magnet letters is over the top but yeah there will be a couple of extra presents in that range…)

Mostly as I feel kind of dead I am searching for any kindness inside me. I’m trying to direct it at anyone… but mostly myself.

[Oh–and definitely not hyperthyroidism. Weight has plateaued. At least that’s one fewer thing to think about going wrong with my body.]

Symptoms:
* Agitation, restlessness, and irritability [check]
* Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss [check]
* Extreme difficulty concentrating (or thinking) [check]
* Fatigue and lack of energy [check]
* Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness [check]
* Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt [check]
* Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex) [check]
* Thoughts of death or suicide [I think getting that close to dying cured me of this one, but I do really want to cut.]
* Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping [check]
* Feeling socially isolated, or unconnected [check]
* Lack of pleasure in all or most activities [check]
* Loss of energy experienced [check]
* Negative feelings toward the baby [luckily the worst of this is, “Just shut the fuck up already” when she doesn’t want to settle down]

I really wish I had a relationship with a doctor. I know intellectually that postpartum depression isn’t something to ignore or take lightly but right this minute finding a care provider is such an enormous hurdle that I don’t know what I am going to do. 🙁 I understand that postpartum depression is often/usually a bigger deal than even just standard depression–I’m not sure i understand why. Somehow I usually muddle through because I have it so strongly ingrained that it doesn’t matter how I *feel* there are still things I have to *do*.