So I’ve been seeing this woman (that sounds more interesting than it is) occasionally since the first miscarriage. She’s not a bad therapist, but she has a strong focus on EMDR and some weird thing where you pinch the bridge of your nose and tap on your third eye. Not so into the talk therapy part. I feel like the EMDR worked pretty well for me when it came to things like Francesca’s death, and losing my baby, and Traci’s death. Those were fresh and new hurts that were pretty easy to isolate and treat. But right now it’s just not working for me. The last time I saw her she had to ask me, “And who is Noah again?” If you don’t even know who Noah is then you know nothing about me. I’ve been seeing her periodically for over a year and she doesn’t know my husband’s name?
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about the super hard stuff right now. I have Noah, who has nothing more to give. And I have Sarah, who is also really at max capacity. I just can’t unload on them anymore than I already am. I don’t have a space where I can talk about my Byzantine feelings about my children and myself and my future and my family. (Noah’s not really on that list because other than occasional minor irritations he’s just not any kind of problem.) I miss Traci. I hate that I feel so bad for how much I miss her. It wasn’t exactly a ‘friendship’. But she did care about me. I saw her basically every week and some periods more than once a week for over 3 years. She knew every single terrible, horrible, disgusting thing about me and she never blinked. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a person on the planet who knows as much about me as Traci did, not even Noah. It feels kind of pathetic to say that.
I feel very alone and very lonely. And I feel like no one sees me. I miss Traci. The new therapist emailed me today to check up on me. The last time I went in to see her I really really needed to talk and she shut me down to follow her EMDR script and I felt so upset. I’m sorry, visualizing myself as a little girl and giving myself a hug is not going to solve all of my problems. She seemed very aware that I left the session more upset than I arrived. I should respond to her but I don’t know what to say.
Hey, do you wanna meet up on Monday early in the afternoon for tea?
Sure. Can you come over here? If we go out I won’t actually be able to talk to you. :-\
Ummm — I don’t usually give you direct advice. But here is some: GET ANOTHER THERAPIST!
WAIT! WAIT!
Go poke the one you don’t like in the 3rd eye, first!
I don’t dislike her. She’s a very nice lady.
So…
Don’t poke so hard!
Ha!
I’ll give you a pass this time. 😉
It’s also worth pointing out that finding a therapist is difficult. I want someone who is kink/poly/queer knowledgeable–not just friendly. I want someone who has a better than passing acquaintance with AP. And I have very little time or extra money for the search. I don’t foresee me being able to really do the work to find a therapist I will click with for a couple of years. And then it takes a long time to build the sort of relationship I need right now. So basically I just can’t have the sort of support I need right now. It simply isn’t available.
I can sympathize some with the difficulty finding a good therapist. I had a really horrible one when I was at UCSC who was incredibly dismissive. I would actually love to go back to one out here, but frankly I’m not even willing to bother down in the South. :o/
For what it’s worth, I was really happy with my therapist in Aptos. I’m not sure what ‘AP’ is so I can’t comment on that, but I was out to her about being kinky and queer and poly, although it didn’t come up a lot. I can send you her contact info if you are interested and that is not too far.
sigh
Looks like you feel stuck because of the time and energy it takes to find Just The Right Fit in a therapist. This may sound a bit odd, actually, but consider bringing up your dissatisfaction with the person’s approach at your next meeting. (Or by email, if that’s within your comfort zone.) It sounds like overall you like this person and the work you’re doing with them, but recently you’re having a revisit of grief and a …disdain? …dissatisfaction? …or just lack of connection to the approach of going inside yourself to parent the little girl who seems perfectly at ease. It might take a session to get back on track, but therapists might forget that using only one approach doesn’t resolve all problems.
Your current therapist might respond by changing their approach, or they might offer a referral to someone else – either as a temporary measure to help with something in particular or, if things really aren’t working, not as temporary. See how they respond to your complaints.
….and yeah, not knowing the spouse’s name is a fail on their part. Sorry to hear that… I’d not know what to say if that happened to me either.
It’s funny,
but as I grow older
I don’t want anybody knowing my secrets.
The world is full of talk therapists.
And yeah, it’s a drag to find one you connect with.
But it’s worth a try.
Think of all the stories you’ll be able to generate about the assholes you encounter in your search!
Don’t feel bad you miss Traci.
In fact, haven’t any of those therapist tell you your not supposed to feel bad about feeling?
Even *I* know that. And I never went to school for it or anything.
Sheesh.
See above comment to Paula about why finding a therapist is extra-special difficult right now.
yeah.
that’s true.
i don’t have all that extra stuff to worry about.
i’m a relatively simple disillusioned-broke-down-middle-aged-oh-my-gosh-i-am-going-to-die-and-i-wasted-my-life-guy.
trust me, there are LOTS of people like me around!
I got nuthin’
Other than I know how alone and very lonely feels, I can’t offer much.
You are still the bravest person I know. Thank you.
(hugs)
Unseen and alone sounds like a really hard place to be in. I imagine that I’d be feeling really put off, too, if my therapist didn’t even know/recognize my husband’s name after over a year of having a therapeutic relationship.
I hope that you are able to find a way either to make this therapeutic relationship work for you, or to find another therapeutic relationship that works better. Or to find some non-therapeutic relationship in which you can be seen and heard in the ways you’re lacking right now.