Today my therapist said something very interesting. When I am meeting new people I should basically have it in my head whether I am facilitating Shanna having friends or am I looking for friends for me. Basically if I want Shanna to have friends I should deliberately not befriend the parents. I, somewhat predictably, have mixed feelings about this.
Um….. I guess I see where she’s coming from after the All Pretentious fiasco, but it seems like that’d cut a lot of like-minded people out of your life.
And if you aren’t at least casual friends with the parents, how do you make plans to meet up? Not friending people works if you’re just going to see them at the park sometimes, but that’s pretty sad for Shanna. And tough if either family has a baby.
A point will come when Shanna can have friends with parents who aren’t compatible with you. I just don’t think that point is 2.5 years old.
I don’t think I should deliberately cut people off, but I should probably stop volunteering stuff. I’m really not everyone’s cup of tea.
Basically Shanna is starting to act lonely. She likes her little friends. And I’m chasing them off. 🙁
You have the internet user’s over sharing problem? I swear someone’s going to get a doctorate on it one of these days.
That makes more sense. Aim for more casual friendships focused on the kids, sort of thing?
Although if you over share IRL a lot you definitely need some friends for you. Not that I get enough talk time myself, but I’m far more socially competent after I’ve had a chance to chat IRL.
The problem isn’t exactly the internet user over sharing problem. The problem is that I grew up in conditions of unusual, horrific abuse and I’m really a very damaged person. People don’t want to know when I’m having bad days or why. They don’t care. They feel uncomfortable. And then it is all my fault that they feel uncomfortable so they avoid me.
Yeah, I need more friends. Friends who can stop fucking lecturing me.
There’s a difference between having friends whose parents aren’t compatible with you, and having friends whose parents aren’t friends with you.
Right, I was thinking in terms of having to avoid even casual friendship whereas the therapist was, evidently, talking about not trying to have deep friendships.
Which makes more sense.
Getting close enough to bake brownies together = good.
Trying to get close enough to bake “magic” brownies together = risky.
(Note, I’m not trying to suggest that would be an activity anyone would engage in, just using that example for the purposes of parallelism.)
The hilarious thing is they would probably like me a lot more after “magic” brownies because my anxiety goes away and I can have a much more calm, laid back conversation. 😛
I don’t even think that is the kind of non-sharing that I should be worried about. Really. I think I should not talk to people about my anxiety. Or the fact that I am having a really hard time right now because Shanna is older than I was when I started getting molested so when people come near her right now I am constantly tense. I need to not talk to people about my issues with their behavior because that seems to be something that you either accept or walk away from. Talking about issues is taboo. I hate ‘normal’ people a really lot.
spouse and i have never been friends with the parents of any of our kid’s friends.
well.. that’s not true.
but the *one* set of parents we are fiends with were friends before any of us had kids.
“parents we are fiends with were friends before…”
i *meant*
“parents we are fiends with were fiends before…”
ha!
I’ve got to admit that, not having these particular problems or any experience comparable, I’m baffled by them. I do find myself holding ‘ordinary people’ at arms length most of the time though, even though my life at the moment is not so interesting that I need to hide any of it.
So, this is all I really have to contribute to the exchange…
Interesting. 🙂 I’ve been wondering where you are lately and what you are up to. I miss you posting.