Ok, as soon as I have described myself as a terrible person multiple times in five minutes that means it is an overarching meme right now and I should probably look at it. I feel like a terrible person because I now have a medical card giving me the right to use marijuana as an anti-anxiety medication and I am using it. I am at least a little bit stoned more than I’m not right now. My “I’m a bad person guilt” compels me to say that I did not use it all the time until very recently and I know it is wrong to be stoned while caring for my children. (This is a small filter by the way.) Thing is, I’m having terrible panic attacks almost constantly while sober. I genuinely believe I am more dangerous to my kids sober than I am stoned right now. And before anyone else rushes to offer me baby-sitting or tells me I should put my kids in daycare, I’m not sure you would like to see the mess I would become if I did that. Part of my issues right now extend to my fears-nearly-to-the-level-of-phobia about something happening to my children. Really? You think the first thing I should do is hand my kids off? I trust Noah. Maybe ironically given that it was my father doing it. In my head I am now digressing on why I trust him but I don’t think that is necessary for the level of neurosis I’m shooting for in this post.