I’ve started and stopped this post at least 20 times. I smoke pot. There. I’ve said it. I have a medical prescription for anxiety and it really really helps. I can go from having super intense panic attacks so nasty I feel like I am dying to being calm and cheerful in a few minutes. I feel like this is the miracle I have been waiting for most of my life. I feel like I get a boost in seratonin. I really feel cheerful. I can be so very patient. On days when we just can’t find a calm/safe space for us to interact if I go into time out for 10 minutes we can go back to doing just fine.
But I feel guilty. I feel like this proves that I am a horrible mother. I don’t smoke all the time. I don’t smoke around my kids. But I feel guilty. This is a crutch. I have tried a lot of psych meds and had no luck. This is amazing. While I am high I feel comfortable in my skin which is pretty much anamolous in my world.
But I feel guilty because as my friend said “The people who used drugs when I was growing up were jerks” and I’m terrified of becoming them. People who use drugs are BAD. I don’t want to be BAD. But I keep on chores better when I am smoking regularly (no lie, it’s weird), I like my life more.
This is complicated. And it’s now part of me. I’m not sure if I am a permanent user or if I am just getting through this patch. We’ll see. This is the right choice for now. (Before anyone starts in on eating instead of smoking–I’m trying. It’s hard to find a consistent method that way.)
from Debs
*support*
As I think I’ve mentioned before, it’s very likely I’d lecture some of my friends about drugs; on the other hand, knowing you as well as we do, I know that you have already researched the HELL about the consequences and side effects of this, and because of that, you will know way way more than my knee-jerk “drugs are bad, m’kay” reaction. So if you tell me that it’s the best solution, I totally believe you and support your decision.
And in other thoughts, my recent introduction / awareness to my own heightened anxiety has prompted at least one (very cool and respected favorite) classmate to recommend pot as a self-medication, and it actually sounded not that bad. I resist because I fear not being able to stop, the same way I can’t stop playing video games in the 12 days / hrs before a paper is due.
My only concern is just this question, which you actually already answered as unknown, what is your exit plan.
ps. I have a hilarious story about that friend that I’ll tell you over the phone sometime (sometime after midterms), though it’s about hangovers and not pot.
Re: from Debs
Thank you, love you Deb.
But the jerks your friend knew who used drugs were probably using drugs as yet another way to say “fuck you”. Since they were already jerks, the drugs made them worse jerks.
You’re using prescribed drugs in moderation to manage a problem that didn’t respond to other attempts to fix it. Since you’re already a good mom, the drugs make you more able to be a better mom.
I am continually annoyed that you live so far away.
likewise!
quasi-legal drugs in moderation are waaaay safer than legal drugs in excess, which would be your other way to deal with the anxiety.
I totally agree with both of these things. I have been seriously considering trying pot to help me sleep, but the only things that have stopped me are that my lungs cant handle smoking, our oven is broken for baking, and it actually increases my anxiety if I’m around people. Not only is it safer than legal drugs in excess, it is safer and less addictive than some legal drugs period.
Things to consider – are you using it while driving or underwater welding or ways that could be considered objectively unsafe? Does it impair your function or help your function? Do your non-jerky friends express concern about the kind of person you become on it? Everything I am hearing sounds like you are making great choices to take care of yourself.
my lungs cant handle smoking, our oven is broken for baking
When you bake with pot, you use butter to extract the THC. THC is fat soluble not water soluble. There’s no reason you can not use the butter in other food stuff. Hmmmm, pot laced Kraft Macaroni and Cheese…..
..using it while driving… ways… considered objectively unsafe? impair/help you function? Do your non-jerky friends express concern about the kind of person you become on it?
Great points, thanks for making them.
Well, Jenny says I get loud in a way that I think is not her favorite. Other than that folks who have specifically known when I was high generally find me good company.
Although I do get overly focused on the people hacking. That kind of irritates people.
People Hacking!!!! I love this term, thank you. (Oh, and you seem to be easier in your skin when you’re self medicating, but I have yet to witness any negative impact externally from said medication)
No, I don’t drive. I avoid complicated cooking and sharp objects. Although I do bake and run the food processor. 🙂
Noah thinks this is fucking awesome. I all of a sudden appreciate his humor and favorite foods.
What said. As he implied but did not state, you can do the extraction in a pan on the range over low heat — not hot enough to make black smoke, but hot enough to extract the oil.
And then yeah, use the butter or oil as you like. Buttered toast? Dipping bread into oil and balsamic vinegar? Scones? Add garlic and put it on salad? Many fine choices.
You are correct in that they were just jerks all the time. My father, coming off a high, was a special kind of arsehole above and beyond his normal alcoholic unpleasantness. Otherwise, the people I knew who did drugs were just general douchebags and would’ve been the same awful people even if there were no chemicals you could somehow ingest that had any effect on your body beyond pure calories.
Krissy, you are neither a jerk, nor a douchebag, nor a special kind of arsehole. I can’t speak for other drugs, but pot lacks the addictive properties and the prohibitive costs that might lead you to act like a jerk in pursuit of your high. Again, these are logical arguments for an emotional reaction so I know they don’t much help :o)
Otherwise, the people I knew who did drugs were just general douchebags and would’ve been the same awful people even if there were no chemicals you could somehow ingest that had any effect on your body beyond pure calories.
Total agreement from this corner. I still have to work to control really bad associations with my partners’ use of alcohol thanks to my mom. But the truth is that mom is just a really unpleasant, selfish, controlling person. The alcohol increased the risk and gave me a focal point for her behavior, but it wasn’t the root cause, and it’s not like she’d have been a loving person without it.
I’ve honestly been considering looking into a prescription to try it myself. I don’t know if it would help me or not, but it can’t really be worse then the “normal” prescription brain meds. (currently finishing detoxing off lexapro and it SUCKS.)
On the smoke vs. eat, I do happen to know a vendor in SF that makes a lot of edibles for the medical market, specifically intended for repeatable dosage, etc. I can get her info for you if you’d like.
I’m actually buying my consumable stuff through a dispensary. I think they might come from pretty much the same place. 🙂
Cool. 🙂
The one I know is the partner of the massage therapist I see at Wicked Grounds, and he’s talked a lot about her work – according to him, her stuff is fairly unique/handmade…of course, since it’s not something I’ve spent much time shopping for personally, I don’t know how accurate that is.
The other big problem with consumables is that they are slow release and it takes a long time before you know how much you have had. When using marijuana for anxiety time release random quantity is not the most helpful situation. Even if the product from this person is more consistent than most it will still have variance. Things like how much food I have in my stomach all influence it significantly. So unfortunately smoking just does seem to be the right delivery method for me. This is quite irritating as I find the process of smoking extremely unpleasant and I really wish I could stop doing it. I also tried making tincture and that didn’t go well. It tasted so bad I could barely swallow it.
Vaporizers? There’s one called a Vapogenie that’s pretty cheap and is very easy to use.
I will try one again soonish, it’s just that this kind of an expensive hobby and I don’t really want to make it look like more of a… uhm… passion than it is.
A crutch IS medicine. I don’t begrudge someone with a broken leg their crutch. This isn’t any different.
And being a “crutch” is pretty accurate, because like someone with a broken leg you can choose to get around without it, but you’d fall on your ass more, and one day you’ll be good as new and will be able to set it aside for as long as you want.
And, just like a crutch, people who don’t *need* pot can have fun with it in various ways from amusing to dangerous.
Mind you, speaking of anecdotal evidence, the people I’ve known who were high from pot never did anything near as stupid as the kid I knew who was on crutches with a broken hip and decided to try to play catch by himself–“running” back and forth across his yard on the crutches.
Been wanting to comment on this since I saw it this morning. But haven’t been sure what to say about it.
I have no issues with pot in general (surprise, surprise). I’m a strong believer in the difference between use and abuse, although I recognize the line is really fuzzy. I’ve been on both sides of it.
In terms of use, I try to compare it to alcohol. A couple drinks a week: Sure no problem. Drinking all day, every day: really bad. Getting seriously drunk (4+ drinks) every night: not so good. A drink or two every night: could go either way. Depending on the weed, a joint is anywhere between 1 and several drinks (frequently joints are shared between a couple people, so passing one joint around 3 people is probably a drink each).
I am concerned about pot and breast feeding. If you haven’t done so already, do some research so you know the risks. I’ve heard really bad things about the effects of THC on developing brains.
Of course there is additional risk from smoking in general but if you’re smoking a pack of joints a day, I think the possibility of lung cancer is low on my priority list at the moment.
Good luck and enjoy it. It’s been over a decade since I last smoked the stuff. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to smoke again, but it would be a politically bad move with several aspects of my life.
I thought I would add that if you look up the effects of pot on breastmilk, it might be good to look at the effects of too much cortisol i.e. stress on breastmilk as well.
A wise woman. 😉
There are actually far fewer negative repercussions from pot than almost any other psych med on the market. When you speak with pro breastfeeding sources they tend to think that having some pot instead of garden variety anti-anxiety med is a much much better choice. If you ask your average MD they will say I am an evil, baby killing monster. Who’s right? 🙂
And really, if they could prove anything negative about pot don’t you think they would be screaming it from the rooftops? The worst they claim is that it is a gateway drug and smoking is bad for your lungs but that is just as true when you have an open fireplace in your house. 😛
I would put forth that there is also a big difference between using a medication heavily for a short period of time during crisis and then weaning. At this point I have a hard deadline of June when I can no longer depend on this as my primary coping mechanism. It really is a crutch at this point, one that will be leaving soon.
There are actually far fewer negative repercussions from pot than almost any other psych med on the market… Who’s right? 🙂
I said it was a concern that I wanted to make sure you had researched.
And really, if they could prove anything negative about pot don’t you think they would be screaming it from the rooftops?
Actually there is for babies. I got my information from a San Jose State Early Childhood Development instructor. When she found out somebody had been smoking thorough pregnancy and breast feeding, her statement was, “She’s already fried that poor babies brain.” I don’t remember the details, which is why I said research.
I completely understand that there are trade offs and that pot my be the best of all the alternatives. As long as you’re making informed decisions, I’m cool with it. (Actually kind of jealous, I kind of miss being stoned.)
You know… the list of things pregnant women must avoid is longer than my arm… for this country. The things that Americans are convinced are evil tend to be things the rest of the world just doesn’t worry about. Sometimes I think being an American means signing up for an unreal amount of paranoia. I have looked at the research. For every study that says you are frying your kids brain there are multiple studies saying they can determine no long term effect on the children. *shrug* And pretty much all psych meds carry some risk, period. I don’t think there are any methods of dealing with anxiety other than gritting your teeth (which my dentist is upset about because I have seriously cracked two teeth and they can’t be fixed) that have zero risk to the kids. Which sucks. Yes, technically I am taking a risk but it is a very very low risk. Near as I can tell the biggest risk I’m taking is the potentiality that there is more second hand smoke near them because it wafts from my clothing.
And I research *everything*. 😛 I did that before I had my first hit. And man it’s been an interesting journey. I’ve never really done pot before.
Open fireplace as a gateway drug. Love it!
“And then you’ll be out on the street, begging for a couple bucks just so you can buy more polish for your mantle. It’s August, and you insist on cranking your AC just to make it cold enough to give you an excuse for another ‘burn’. You won’t be able to get any home that doesn’t have a fireplace. Don’t get that first fireplace, just don’t even start.”
“All my friends who use are jerks”- I used to feel this way. Now, I feel that a lot of my friends who use in excess are frequently jerks. It’s not the substance, it’s the excess. Same goes for alcohol- someone drinking occasionally isn’t the same as someone getting drunk all the time. Even someone who uses alcohol for a specific effect on a regular basis isn’t necessarily a jackass because of it or, in my mind, an alcoholic.
If it works and brings you closer to where you want to be and where those around you like you being, then I see no issue with it.
🙂 It’s just complicated. I grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts who hurt themselves with the substances they used. I’m trying very hard to find a way to help myself and I’m terrified I’m standing near a ledge I don’t want to be on.
I can totally respect that. I used to be terrified of tobacco because I’d seen my grandmother slowly wasting away with stroke after stroke while her lungs slowly scarred over from smoking. If I think of it as a tool, I can do it no problem (although that’s still limited to things like peace pipes and hookahs- haven’t ever touched a cigarette, and rather doubt I will)
The key with ledges is to be aware of where the ledge is, but not to be so worried about it that we slip over it. A ledge is just as stable as solid ground, we’re just not allowed to slip.
I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this, if you’re up for sharing.
I’d be up for sharing but I’d like to ensure I’m answering the right question. Are you asking about where my personal ledge is? Are you asking about something else? It seems good to ask for clarification. 🙂
Oh, nothing in particular, actually. It’s a topic that interests me, and you tend to have well thought opinions on things, so I look forward to seeing how you continue along this line of thought:)
Question (you know it’s a rhetorical question coming from me) How is pot any different than the psych meds?
Answer: it works better for a lot of people.
I’d be careful about ingesting as it may work *too* well (that’s my experience anyway).
I do find that once in a while I get a sneak up ridiculously intense experience with eating. That has only happened on the weekend when Noah was around. I’m a lot more careful about dosage during the week. I have to be functional and that means not going over a certain amount.
It’s been neat trying different strains and seeing which ones encourage me to get the most chores done. I had no idea pot was that kind of stimulant. My kids also appreciate that once I medicate I’m totally happy to put both of them in carriers and walk around the house for long periods of time if they are having hard days. I can’t stand being close to the screaming sometimes without it right now. 🙁
“While I am high I feel comfortable in my skin which is pretty much anamolous in my world.”
Something to observe about yourself: Does this feeling (and other benefits) last after the high ends?
Great question! Short answer: sometimes. Long answer: it depends on just how bad my anxiety is. It’s really hard to answer that well right now because I haven’t been smoking pot for very long and I’ve been in crisis the whole time. This is one of those stretches where I usually go years without feeling comfortable in my skin at all. Ok, I’m having trouble expressing this. My feeling of comfort can be done as one of those line graphs for charting the stock market. The highest peaks of being comfortable over the last few months are 100% while smoking. But then it is hard to figure out how fast I am ‘coming down’ so my feeling of ease lasts longer sometimes than other days. And we do have really great days where I am completely sober the whole time and we do fine. But it’s a mixed bag. It’s hard to tell. I am paying attention to this though. I am getting close to the point where I have to be highly functional without it in a high stress environment. I’m trying really hard to push towards being ok without it.