Today my therapist laughed at me. At some point we worked our way around to how to continue processing abuse stuff in a limited way in that little box over there in the corner so that there isn’t ‘leakage’ into the rest of my life. These are important things to consider when planning how to end the cycle of abuse or build a nuclear reactor plant. Just sayin’. I came around to the idea of a support group. Yes! That is what I need! A support group for mothers with mental illness or mothers who are survivors of abuse. Yes! Because then I can have people who are in the same place as me who can give me advice because I suck and I’m not figuring it all out. She almost fell out of her chair laughing. Apparently she thinks they don’t have much to teach me. We actually spent the rest of our time together talking about a workshop she has been dying to lead…and she has been trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. Because she thinks I have a lot to teach about doing this. She views my recent blip as as really… nothing to write home about when dealing with mothers who were victimized. No lines have been crossed. No one has been harmed. No actual damage has been perpetrated. Ok, my tone of voice sucks sometimes. Why am I crucifying myself? We spent a lot of time talking about victim/rescuer judge/(can’t think of the word but you catch my point). It was really neat. It was interesting having her point out on this little graph how I was moving around in my relationship with Shanna. We talked about specifics of how to step out of it and she said that really the only thing she would have suggested is what I started doing yesterday. It was very validating. She more or less gave me a check list of things to think about when considering parenting stuff and that was extremely useful. It was also nice to be reminded that as a parent it really and truly isn’t my job to ensure that my kids like me. Making them happy at all costs is really not the right road to a happy adulthood because they will be total assholes. But I digress. 🙂
I’m always going to be kind of messy (like emotionally and psychically) and weird. But that’s ok. So is everyone else if I look at them closely enough. I am not a bad person. I want to stop treating myself like I am. No matter how much I want to believe that I am a monster in the making, I’m really not. I’m not abusing my kids. I’m not hurting them. I’m loving on them and giving them lots of attention and affection and support. Why do I only see the 4 seconds I yell and decide that is the only important 4 seconds of the day? It’s really not. All the time I spend patiently showing Shanna every step of ‘how to do things right’ even when it is challenging to let her do it. For every time I say, “Man you’ve been working on that! You couldn’t do that a week ago. I wonder what you will be able to do next week.” I see her. I love her. I don’t need to buy her love. I make a vow today, I will stop acting like I have to buy my daughter’s love. That course of action will result in both of us losing.
she said it, but more importantly you were in a place where you could hear it! Go you!
This? Is Awesome to hear.
Rock on!
yay!
I think you’d get something out of processing with other abused women, but I don’t think it would help to talk about parenting, because you don’t need to know if what you’re doing is normal for abused parents, you want to know if what you’re doing is within the range of normal for parents without that sort of background.
But if you had a place where you could really share all the details that aren’t conducive to casual friendship, that’d probably make it easier to have casual friendships.
And yes, you are a normal parent, if one only considers good parents. If we consider all parents, you are a fantastic parent.
I also agree with your therapist that a support group wouldn’t teach you anything. What it might do (besides offering an outlet) is let you teach yourself, if you’re the sort of person who solves things better when they have a chance to talk to an audience.
Where is that laughing my ass off smiley? Yes, I kind of need an audience. 🙂
I’m surprised you would refer to me as a fantastic parent. Thank you. 🙂
Well, I know I’m comfortably in the “good” parent category, and you’re better than me, so simple logic.
Ok, by what metric am I better?
I totally sound like I am fishing for compliments, and I kind of am. I think I am more curious about how other people judge parenting. What makes a parent good or bad. That’s totally an MDC question. ha.
You: 4 seconds of yelling
Me: 16+ seconds of yelling
You: two kids healthy, happy, and actually cooked meals
Me: one kid healthy (except for her teeth), happy, and random snack meals
You: do stuff and post about it
Me: does some stuff, and then sits down to read about the stuff you do while L watches a video in the other window.
You: are going to a therapist for the stuff you need help with
Me: would have way more energy if I exercised, but I still don’t.
Okay, that was a bit of a joke. Really, your love and care for your kids just comes through in everything you write about them.