I set myself a rather ambitious schedule for house renovating.  It was going to be very difficult for me to accomplish.  I would have to keep up my energy and motivation through quite a bit more hard work.  Right now I can’t do it.  At this point I feel like the schedule was going to not be met anyway, or if it did… barely.  With my uncle dying there is no way.  I am spacy and unfocused.  I am crying.  I have no more patience left.  I am on edge and brittle.  I have to stop the big work.

Which is to say I need to finish puttering in the garage organizing stuff.  But that’s not stuff that other people help with very well. 🙂  So I am going to get everything into the garage, install a grown up level lock on the door so Shanna can’t get into trouble, and I’m going to get it done slowly before my birthday.  As much as I wanted to get this done so I could put pictures up and feel proud of myself… I’m not there.  And I’m not going to be able to get there for a while.  I’m having too hard of a time functioning.

I need to spend time with Shanna doing Shanna stuff for a while.  I need to get her off the movies that turn her into a serious brat.  Oh I cannot stand her behavior when she is watching a lot of movies.  I need to get the sugar that I have been binging on out of the house.  I was very deliberately using sugar and caffeine to fuel my ability to keep working.  But my body feels like shit.  Shanna is whinging and demanding sugar all day long.  It needs to get out of my house again.

I need to come back to the center of what my life is right now.  What am I actually doing at this stage of my life?  I am raising my babies.  I am trying to create a space where they have freedom to play without getting yelled at.  I’ve been missing the mark on that one lately.  I want to put a lock on the garage because I want her to be able to have a “yes” environment most of the time but then there is an adult space in the house where we can go to practice civilized behavior when I am up for it.

Right now I just can’t direct any more people.  It takes energy, both physical and mental, that I don’t have.  It is amazing to me that as wonderful as it is to have people come help, I still have a lot of work to do when they are here.  And all of a sudden I can’t do it.  Even though I wanted to.  I’m so sorry I canceled on people.