So people keep mentioning that I have great ideas for CSI or SVU. Thing is, I did prosecute my father. He was arrested and interrogated for something like 72 hours. He confessed to everything. The detectives said it was one of the most horrific things they had ever heard. But then he killed himself before the trial started. The very morning, in fact. So that confession isn’t really public record.
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Years ago I was on a public mailing list. I had a really big mouth and I spouted off about a lot of shit I didn’t understand. I came out of my family environment at 18 feeling like I had been a real and true adult for at least six years. I had opted in to sex six years previously. I started working when I was 15. That sort of stuff. So by the time I came and found the bdsm community… well that was interesting.
There were a couple of individual people from the community at that point in time who weren’t fond of me. If I am even vaguely self aggrandizing, I was the darling. Except when I wasn’t.
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Being fixed and conformity. I sent a non-hysterical closure type of email to the therapist I just fired and I really didn’t like her response even though she meant entirely well. I realized why after talking to Sarah. My old therapist saw “so much potential” and she wanted to help me “heal”. Uhm. What the fuck does that mean anyway? Oh, she wants me to go to a Reiki practitioner and she wants me to cleanse my chakras and go to meditation retreats and learn more about Wicca and…
uhm. Have you fucking met me? I am not going to be a nice gentle healed person. Ain’t. Fucking. Happening.
“I am not going to be a nice gentle healed person. Ain’t. Fucking. Happening.”
Well, that’s a relief, ‘cos we like you the way you are 🙂
Is that something that you want? Is there a part of you that wants to be a gentle, healed person?
I feel like I am *supposed* to become a nice, gentle, healed person. I am supposed to stop feeling anger. I am supposed to drop all of my defense mechanisms and be kinder and blah blah blah.
I should go get a chakra cleansing so I can be free! But uhm… no. I have learned to deal with the monsters in my head in some very odd ways, but they work for me. What I want from being healed is for me to know that it is ok for me to take up all the space in the world that I need. Even if I need a lot more than other people. That doesn’t mean I am wrong.
I feel like I have been told that I am allowed to take up a 22″ by 25″ space. That’s my space. That is where I am supposed to fit me and I am supposed to “heal” until I only take up that much room. I don’t wanna. :-\
Part of that, for me, is that telling these stories makes people uncomfortable. For most people, when they feel uncomfortable they blame me and tell me to shut up. I am infringing on their space by telling my truth. I’m really done respecting that point of view. I need to tell my stories. I need to tell them because that is the part of “healing” I need to do. I need to tell these stories because the more I look at my family history the more I suspect this stuff has been going on for generations.
And people want me to shut up about it and stop infringing on them. They want me to stop bringing up old stuff. These “people” are a mix between my family, unsympathetic police officers, and random people who probably have shit of their own they are afraid of.
when i’ve mentioned things that i think could be healing, it’s not because i think you need to be fixed. i don’t want a “new and improved” krissy. i just wish this krissy didn’t have to live with so much pain.
Oh honey, I don’t mean you. I mean the therapist I just fired. She was… very set on the one true way.