I left off on the 6th, then we started traveling and I lost internet. That was entirely for the win because we are now home. Yay! Technically we have been home for a few days, but now I am feeling a little better.

7th: I got to think about how much I love assholes. Hear me out. Specifically, by asshole, I mean large and intimidating and aggressive men who are generally considered to be assholes by everyone who knows them. They like to pick fights. They like to troll on the internet (sometimes), etc. I just like these guys. Not every single one of them, of course. But I tend to like that genre of man. They are frequently abusive to me or other people. I’m not in denial about that. So I carefully limit my relationships with them so that I can deal with the level of harsh they are and I revel in seeing them when I do. Because man I like them a lot. On the 7th I met up with a friend who falls into that category. I was reminded that a lot of the reason I like those men is because they were hurt in some way as a kid. They recognize that pain in me. They speak directly to it in a harsh and direct way that will keep me from killing myself no matter how dark my days get. They have looked into the eyes of monsters too. They know what it means to survive. I don’t like all of their social tools but they have very important lessons for me. I’m glad that they understand that I might need tools that look like a set of brass knuckles some days. They understand why that has worth. I don’t want to be that full time, because frankly I see what it does to their lives. Even though I don’t want to end up like them day-in, day-out… there are days when that is better than any of my other options and if that keeps me here, well ok. I’m grateful to be handed permission to be absolutely savage in defense of myself. I need that.

8th: I was grateful to be home home home home home home.

9th: I was grateful to actually catch up on sleep. I don’t get to do that often. 🙂

10th: I was grateful I made it to the bathroom before projectile vomiting. And later I was grateful Calli confined her projectile vomit to me, my hair, and my clothes while missing the couch.

11th: I’m grateful for a return to food I love. <3