As long as I feel ashamed of engaging in the behavior I am obsessed with it.  Either I can’t have any ever or I am bad, or I think about it all the time and I feel like it crosses over into other parts of my life.  I don’t know how to have balance.

That’s why this is so important to me.  I have to get over being ashamed of the things I want.  Because I want them and it is actually ok for me to want them.  Even though I am a mother.  Even though I am a mother it is ok for me to want ridiculous amounts of promiscuous sex.  I’m not hurting my family by wanting it.  If I started going out and pursuing it constantly and neglecting my family that would be a problem.  But I’m not doing anything that hurts my family when I occasionally in my time away from my kids have sex with another consenting adult.

This is why I want to let go of feeling this shame.  I just haven’t figured out how to do it yet.  It’s kind of complicated.  My father started raping me when I was a baby.  How do I ever feel ok about having these feelings?  How do they ever stop signaling that I must have wanted it and it was all an acceptable thing to do to me.

I kind of hate sex.