My baby girl, my last child is turning one tomorrow. It doesn’t seem possible that she has been alive for a whole year. Hasn’t it been about three months? So much has happened. This has been a pretty dramatically big year for me even aside from having a baby. I don’t feel I was as good of a mother to her as I was to Shanna. I have spent a lot of the last year in a suboptimal mood.

Callidora is serious unless she is actively trying to engage with something. She uses laughter as a tool. I feel like it is unusual for her to laugh about things that do not involve another person. I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right. I laugh easily and quickly, so does Shanna. Calli has a very calm repose. It feels like you can see the wheels turning in her head as she assimilates new data. Rather an intense kid for me. I project that Shanna is a lot like me without the sadness or bitterness. We are both delightfully strong minded and quick to laugh. Calli is a different kind of intense. She is harder to relate to. In some ways I think that is better. I spend a lot of time staring at her trying to figure out what is going on. I don’t find that I can coast much. I don’t predict her reactions well and that is hard. We also struggle because she wants to be carried all day. She’s not a fan of the carrier and using one (regardless of style) often results in her hitting me, scratching me, and screaming hysterically in my ears for extended periods. She wants to be carried in arms. Damnit. So she is also a strong minded girl. I suspect she is much much more strong minded. She’s not real pliable. I would never use the word acquiescent to describe her. This is going to be interesting.

Interacting with Calli is most lovely because in the continual challenge to really see her as a thinking person even though she is only a year old I am learning a lot about my control issues. Shanna lets me control her. She loves me and she wants to please me. Calli tells me to f-off and here’s a smack to take with you. When I’m not being slapped in the face I think it is kind of awesome and I just hope I can properly channel her strength towards good. She’s not mean. But she is very aggressive and interested in getting her way. The Id is strong in this one. She is starting to respond more to negotiations or explanations of why things are being put off. “I know you want to go to bed, but I have to brush my teeth first” and then she crawls to the bathroom instead of the bedroom. Her actions reflect recognition of what I am saying. She has receptive language to some degree. So no really, she’s a thinking feeling person and I should try to consider her.

Thing is… that’s kind of inconvenient. She’s a baby. Most of what Callidora wants is to be carried around and handed things from high shelves. That sounds like a good day to her. Not so much for me. As a result I get smacked a lot. Oh for the love of shiny green apples. She can get over this phase any day now. Because that is what it is. If I let go of my need to control every aspect of my children I have to acknowledge the fact that Calli smacking me now doesn’t mean anything about her being aggressive. It just isn’t a factor. She’s a baby learning how to deal with the world. I need to stop judging her actions with my adult perspective. And I really really really need to stop comparing my kids. Ugh.