It took 20 years before I told my family that my father raped me. I don’t think of myself as keeping secrets and yet that’s a long time.
I’m reading TCTH again. I’m feeling kind of upset about the constant refrains that people should get off all drugs. I don’t think they are including psych meds and I am god damn using marijuana as a psych med. So I’m feeling very defensive. See, even the other survivors think I am bad for needing help in coping. I am supposed to just manage. I am supposed to have all this self control magically appear because I am ready to heal now. How do I get through the parts where I am raging inside my head? When I am stoned I can sit on the couch and stroke Shanna’s hair and smile at her while she babbles at me even if in my head I feel like I am strapped to a table screaming as loud as I can. I feel like my head is going to explode from the intensity of this silent screaming.
When I am stoned I honestly don’t think it impacts her. Noah and Sarah both say they cannot tell. I do experience the emotions. I do try to work through them in my head and in writing and in talking to people. But I really and truly have to maintain a stone facade when I am with my kids. I can’t have feelings that are about these other parts of my life. I am too volatile. As long as my children continue to cause me physical pain all day long every single fucking day I need some way of not reacting. I have been very hyper sensitive for months. This stage of processing is always like this. My skin is too thin. I am in horrible pain from the most casual of touches and nothing these children do feels casual.
I’m reading about Complex PTSD. I feel haunted by the repeated mention of the fact that the abuse had to happen in an on-going situation where you couldn’t get out. That’s what is contributing to my abject panic and desire to get away from the kids. I feel trapped and they are hurting me. It’s hard to know if any of this has physical cause. I say. I’m going to see a doctor. I’m kind of terrified.