I just yelled at Noah and Sarah.  It’s hard that Noah has absolutely nothing he is interested in that is interesting to a child.  He insolently tolerates childrens activities because he has to.  I think that is one of our biggest points of friction.  I feel like I should entertain the kids away from him then.  Right now I am so angry that I want to hit someone.  I have all this energy and nothing to do with it.  I sit here and get bored and frustrated and all I can do is fucking clean house.  I feel like the most stupid pointless person on earth.  I hate my fucking life and I fucking hate these fucking fuckers who make me sit here fucking bored all the fucking time.

Do you know what I leave my house to do?  Go to therapy.  Go get groceries.  Entertain Shanna.  Once in a while I sneak off and do something for me but that’s probably less than once a week.  I sit in this house day after day hating my life.  As a result I have a very stable kid whose moods can be managed.  And I am so fucking insanely bored I want to do something very violent.  I am angry and trapped.  I hate these people and I hate this life.

I understand why the housewives of the 50’s were using valium.  The dispensary opens in an hour.  Being stoned means I don’t care that I have no control over my life.  That I feel apathetic about the fact that I stay home all the time.  I don’t sit any more.  I have too much nervous energy.  Instead I wander around cleaning and yelling at Shanna for making messes.  It’s charming.  I know things are changing and getting better.  It’s just not happening very fast and I am so tired of doing this.  I hate that I can’t take my kids out when I’m having a bad day because I will freak out.

Even when I’m walking around this angry, I don’t think I’m actually projecting it very much in my life.  I certainly don’t think this anger is apparent.

I’ve been thinking about my family all morning.  Thinking about how my parents hooked up.  Thinking about how people go out into the community and get really really involved because the bigger a pillar of the community you are the bigger your shadow for hiding all your dirty secrets.  I hide at home but I don’t have any secrets.  If I feel mean I admit it.  If I feel angry I talk about it.  I make people uncomfortable because I don’t know how to do the public persona thing.  I feel so raw.

Why am I so mad?  This isn’t about Noah.  Why am I so mad that he doesn’t want to do things with his kids?  I want to say my father didn’t do the kid things, but he did.  I think there is a part of me that feels like Noah just isn’t ever going to be as interested in the kids I had because I didn’t have a boy.  He is going to volunteer his interests as things to share less.  I don’t know if that is real or not, but that popped up right now.

I’m really sad.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like everyone around me has all of these needs and I have nothing to give.  I’m tired.  I want to have fun but I’m not allowed to do anything that I consider fun because it all comes with this backbreaking amount of work that makes me so angry I am incapable of enjoying anything any more.  I don’t know why I resent doing work so much.  When I am doing it I don’t mind.  I enjoy physical activity.  I do actually enjoy getting up and the physicality of maintaining a house.  But I have to do it in very particular ways and I can’t be stopping to go around people.

I feel very guilty because I keep getting angry with Sarah.  It’s making her jumpy and then I feel like a terrible person.  When I get up to do chores I tend to dart around the house.  I spontaneously jog regularly.  I just like to do it.  But uhm, she takes up space as an adult human being does and then