This life shit is really tiring.  I have a lot of stuff to do.  Some of it I feel like I can’t talk about.  I can’t talk about it because it involves doing stuff for Sarah and I have this strong internal pushback that talking about it is shaming her in some way.  But it’s not.  I don’t think Sarah should feel bad for needing my help in order to get things done in my time frame.  I have a pretty ridiculous time frame.  Sarah can do these things.  Just not as fast as I want her to.  That’s a very different distinction.  I’m having trouble internalizing it.  I feel like I am creating the problem in talking about the mechanics of life.

Things were different with Tommy.  For a long long time there was very little he could do.  And he hated everyone for it.  It embarrassed him.  You were never to speak about the help you gave him, you were just supposed to shut the fuck up and be there the minute he had the fucking need and just spontaneously do it. Or he got angry and violent.

Maybe it makes a lot of sense that I’m having trouble with dealing with some of my feelings around doing stuff for Sarah.  It’s complicated.  Everything always is.  I think one of the hardest parts is that she needs so much sleep.  And she does.  She has to have that much sleep or she can’t put coherent sentences together.  I believe her.  I still struggle with feeling abandoned with the kids.  She’s a night owl.  My kids are early birds.  An awful lot of their awake period is while she is still sleeping.  Noah is still here for part of it.

Hm.  Problem solving.  Right now I am feeling overwhelmed by how much of the day I am alone with the kids.  Shanna is acting exactly how a three year old should act.  That lovely book I read about three year olds told me that this would happen.  Her advice was as much babysitting/care by other people as you can manage.  Three will be over soon.

Right now our priority is to have Noah home from work as early as possible because I am fried after the long day.  I wonder if it would work better if Noah went into work much later (he is a software engineer, no one would blink) and hung out in the mornings and planned to come home after dinner.  Or we could play with how the kids eat and get them on a four meal a day schedule and he can eat fourth meal as dinner at more like seven.  It’s not unprecedented.  The kids would probably be ok with that adjustment.

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what we should do.  But it’s my blog and I can babble all I want to.  I’m struggling with getting through the mornings until Sarah wakes up.  I feel increasingly bitter and resentful because I am taking care of the kids during the time when I physically can best do the chores around the house.  So I’m constantly yelling at the kids to leave me alone while I clean.  If Noah went to work later in the morning… I could do all the chores before he left.  The girls would love to have that time playing with Daddddddddy.  If Noah waited until a more civilized hour to go into work, it’s only a thirty minute drive.

Even if he still left before Sarah woke up I would be only dealing with the kids and not trying to run around and do chores at the same time.  Who knows.  Maybe.  Maybe it would be better for Noah and the kids to have calm hang-out/play time in the morning rather than fussy evenings.  If I don’t start the day pissed off before 9 am… I have a better day.  I don’t neeeeed Noah by 5 pm.  Sarah is a lot more capable of being consistent with evenings.  It would allow her to get all the sleep she needs.

It means we would have a lot more time when there are two people in the house and a lot less time when there are three adults in the house.  That might work out better.  Sometimes writing about my thinking helps and sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes I get too entrenched and hard to negotiate with.  Often I don’t feel like I get an even amount of thinking/explanation of thinking on the part of my partner and I get pissy.  That’s not real helpful.