Often I do not get along with rabid feminists on the topic of rape culture.  The reasons for that are myriad, but mostly revolve around the fact that I think most feminists are too sensitive.  I think a lot of women cry rape when they are stretching.  I think we need another word.  I think that there should be some commonly understood word for coerced or unwanted sex that the woman never actually refuses.  I think there should just be a way for women to talk about it.

“Yeah, last night he totally ______ me.  It was ok.”  I don’t know what this word should be.  There is something missing in our language.

I have a hard time asking my casual sex partners to not choke me.  Do you know why I have a hard time with this?  Because I was brought up in a family where sexual assault was as common as dirt.  Anything short of penis in vagina rape isn’t even worth talking about.  I have had members of my biological family tell me that because my father and brother never had their penis in my vagina that I shouldn’t complain.  Orally raping me with a gun to my head doesn’t count.  The fact that I had to physically fight my brother off of me over and over and over… doesn’t count.

I have a hard time believing that I am allowed to feel good during sex.  I’m going to tell you a secret, oh open internet.  That whole “being trained to orgasm on command” thing?  I actually don’t like that about myself.  I feel pretty disgusting.  But it’s a really good trick for when I am in a lot of pain and I’m not enjoying the sex much.  I can whisper in someones ear that this works.  And it does.  Hypnotic suggestion is awesome.  An orgasm involves vaginal muscle spasms.  It’s more complicated than that.  But the vaginal muscle spasm part can be triggered.  It’s enough to keep the endorphins up in my brain to numb the pain so I can get through the experience.

I’m also going to tell a secret, I mostly only do this with men who are physically too large for me.  I don’t need to resort to this “trick” when I am sleeping with someone who has a smaller dick.  Which is why I prefer sleeping with men who are not that big.  I don’t like having to use over ride tricks to talk my body out of throbbing pain.  It’s not very fun.  It feels like cheating.

It feels like cheating that I can’t depend on my partners to only do nice things to my body.  It is a rape culture adaptation.  I know that men are going to be doing things to me that hurt.  When I was younger I was smart enough to have an overly endowed partner figure out how to make sex with him bearable.  It’s a good trick.  But it’s a trick.  I always know later that my body didn’t want to be there.  My body didn’t want that experience.  It hurt.

I lost my ‘virginity’ when I was 12 and I asked a 25 year old to fuck me.  He did absolutely no foreplay.  He spit on his hand, wiped it on my cunt, and started fucking me.  That is still how I have sex.  These days it is better if he grabs me by the head and has me suck him hard first.  A lot more saliva is deposited that way.

No, sex isn’t about orgasms.  I have learned how to have sex with my husband that feels nice and makes me feel like a whole person instead of a hole.  I rarely orgasm.  If I need to get off, if I physically feel that ache… I need to feel like a hole.

I don’t like that I have become so thoroughly part of rape culture.  I am the byproduct.  If it doesn’t feel kind of like rape it probably isn’t going to get me off.  But I’m honestly only kind of willing.  It hurts.  It makes me feel bad about myself.  That I need to be treated like that.  That I’m not very interested in sex with people unless they hurt me.

If I swear of masochism I swear off orgasms.  I don’t want to say that out loud.  It’s not completely true.  But my days of numbering my orgasms in the hundreds are over.  I can’t do that without someone hurting me.

I get off because someone else is using me to pleasure themselves.  Because they want me that much.  I don’t orgasm because things feel good.  There should be a word for that.  There should be a word for this feeling of needing violent sex but not enjoying, kind of.  Yeah, we mutually got each other off.  It was kind of emotionally uncomfortable.  Yeah, we exchanged a little light-hearted sexual assault.  Yes we totally _____________.

I need a word.