Well, my local medical office now has me diagnosed as bipolar.  I feel that is the wrong diagnosis.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I’m not saying I’m not crazy.  I’m saying I don’t think I am depressed and no I don’t want you to put me on an anti-depressant.  After 26 years of therapy and many long-term therapists agreeing with me.  I was told that I have an omnisciency problem when I said that I don’t appreciate her putting an inaccurate diagnosis in my medical record.  She told me loftily that here at (medical office name deleted) they only use things that are evidence based medicine.  I asked her, “Like transfusions?”  She said they only work from studies.  I asked her if she was aware of the massive problem of study bias and how it is well documented.  I don’t think she is right just because she has decided she is.

And I have to wean and stop smoking marijuana this week or she won’t work with me.  Those things are “outside the norm” and she won’t deal with them.  She lectured me extensively on the marijuana and expressed shock and disgust that the pediatrician didn’t turn me in.  I asked her if *she* has read marijuana studies and she went back to that… she is only interested in evidence based medicine.  Because obviously there is no merit to marijuana in any way.

All of my problems are because of my parents.  Nothing else that has ever happened to me matters.  I am *only* acting out those relationships at all times.  I said, “Really?  The fact that I was repeatedly raped and attacked by animals and not allowed to bond with people in normal ways and… everything is just my parents.  Sure, why not?  It’s easiest to blame them.

She told me that the fact that I went to college proves that I have an omnisciency problem, because I think I can control everything and make anything happen.  That kind of bothered me.  No, scratch that, I’m really upset.

Thank you western medicine for reminding me of how very broken I am.  I think I was coping better before I saw her.  I have an appointment next week with a psychiatrist who works with my therapist at the Harm Reduction Therapy Center.  I’m pretty terrified at this point but it really has no way to *not* go better than today.

I just had a really funny thought about this exchange.  She left off the meeting saying, “You have to do x and y in a week or else.”  At first that terrified me.  It really did.  My first instinct was full fledged fear.  I am going to get in trouble if I fail.  And what she asked me to do is a big fucking deal.  I don’t think it was a reasonable thing to say to me.  But at the end–when I’m really scared–I get angry.  I get so fucking angry that I want to hurt someone.  I can feel my eyebrow go up.  “Or else, what?”

No, I can’t work with this woman.  We do not have compatible approaches to care.  But there are other people in the world who are not raging assholes.  I’ve heard.  I’m not sure if I believe it.