The lovely boy from okcupid is too busy, but he sounds sorry about it.  I’ll take what boost I can get from that.  We went out last night and tried to hunt.  Both of us came up empty.  I don’t know how to do this any more.

I feel like this is such a stupid waste of time.  Ugh.  I mean, Noah fucked me three times last night.  Why do I need to hunt?  It’s just adding angst as I get rejected.  It is feeling increasingly like rejection is the only option.  I have past the point where I am interesting to new people.  I’m too complicated.  Or maybe it’s just time to realize that only damaged people are interested in having sex in the first five minutes of conversation and given that I’m avoiding those folks I should probably change my approach.

I feel like I should stop talking.  I had a couple of weird interactions with people last night.  I’m energetically off.  I’m too invasive, I guess.  I guess I’m not supposed to ask people for verbal confirmation of the emotions I am reading on their face.  It’s intrusive.

I feel too broken.  I feel too weird.  I feel like people either need to be in my life already and willing to put up with how awful I am or I am doomed.  I no longer know how to be a normal or nice person.  I feel alienated and alienating.

I know that I am capable of finding no shortage of people who want to tell me that it is fucked up that I want to have sex with people I don’t know.  The thing is, I’m not sure it is.  If someone is willing to trust me enough to have sex with me right away then I feel like they have opened the floodgates for as much intensity as I need to unleash.  When someone is afraid to have sex with me fairly quickly (err, I specifically mean at *play parties* where people are ostensibly open to such queries) I feel like it means that I am … I don’t know.  Untouchable?

In most of my life I am not ok with people touching me.  I have too many startle issues.  I get my touch needs met through sex and cuddling my kids.  That is how I can touch people.  Otherwise I have to sit on the other side of the room.  I don’t like it.  I can barely stand to have a conversation with most people I know because I feel so uncomfortable.  I feel ashamed of that.  I feel ashamed that I so badly want to have sex with someone because I want someone to touch me.  I want to feel like there are still new people in the world who don’t think I am too dirty to touch.  I feel so scared.

I want to have sex with new to me people who are nice and gentle because I want to have some freaking memories of people being nice to me during sex.  I want to think that people might be interested in me even if they can’t hurt me.  So far I’m not seeing that as likely.  Well, obviously I have friends who do not have sex with me who are perfectly fine with not causing me physical pain.

I was taught from when I was a toddler that if I loved people I was supposed to have sex with them and that they were going to hurt me while they did it.  When people turn me down for sex it feels to me like they are rejecting the primary thing *I* am supposed to offer as a human being.  Not everyone.  Me.  Because this is what I was trained for.  This is my skill.  But it’s a useless skill.  No, not useless.  Thank god for Noah.

Today it feels like the part of me that yearns for this should be packed away.  This is too hard.  Too scary.  Too intense.  I want this too much.  It hurts too much that I am not wanted.  It means too much to me to be told no.  That means this is too much of a risk.  I hate feeling this needy.  I hate having this kind of need that is dependent on other people.  There is nothing I can do with this ache other than ignore it and pray it fades quickly.  I will eventually be able to kill this wanting.  At least for a while.  Until I can’t help but beat my head against this wall again.

I think the real answer is to go to a lot of events and make some new friends.  Stop asking for sex.  Some day someone will be interested.  I’m not good at being a pursuer.  I act desperate.