Last night I told Noah that I am willing to have sex every day, even on days I’m not into it, in exchange for him giving me the courtesy of the public lie that I am interesting enough to be enough for him when we are out together.  That’s the kind of thing that makes him furrow his brow and take a long deep breath.  It always looks like I’ve kicked him.  I probably did.

Everyone makes a different kind of peace with nonmonogamy.  Mine is tattered and barely existant.  I wish I didn’t have this deep compulsion to sleep with other people so that I could declare it off limits for Noah.  But I do.  This really sucks.  He wouldn’t be happy about me trying to require monogamy, but he’d deal.  He took his marriage vows seriously.  I don’t think I can give monogamy.  I think I would become obsessed with cheating.  I think that my periodic times when I am driven to obsessively check okcupid (even though it’s just about a dead end at this point) would be a problem if I was monogamous.  It would feel different.

As a nonmonogamous person I’m allowed the freedom to think about looking pretty much any time.  That’s fun.  That lets me think about myself as a sexually available person and that is linked to all kinds of fun energy.  I like that part of me a lot.  NRE just isn’t available in long term batches.  I think Noah and I have a more affectionate than average marriage… it’s not NRE.  It’s not new-person-hot-sex.  It’s different.  There is a kind of being seen I get from making sex work with new people.  It’s important to me.

It’s important to Noah too.  Fuck him.  Jerk.  Meaniehead.  He doesn’t want me.  I am not enough.  This is tinged because I can see him raising his eyebrow at me.  NO IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT ABOUT YOU, JUST ME I AM THE ONLY INFERIOR ONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.  ahem.  Emotions are really stupid.

All of this comes down to a horrible hypocrisy on my part.  One I’m not sure how to resolve in myself.  I feel like part of my current issue is that I don’t like seeing Noah play with other people unless I was actively involved from the get go and never walk away.  I can’t walk up on Noah playing.  It makes my stomach flip flop and I want to cry.  I hate it.  He’s mine.  He’s the only person on the whole fucking planet who is mine and how dare someone else touch him.

And I hate that my awesome, wonderful husband wants to make other women fall in love with him.  Because he does.  I really kind of hate him for that.  It hurts.  He’s not as into the fuck and run as I am.  He can do it when I’m putting that requirement on him, but it’s not his preference.

I am going to fall apart when he finds someone.  This is going to be awful.  I don’t know how I will handle this.  I really kind of hate nonmonogamy.  I feel bad for the women who have to deal with me in order to get Noah.  I feel like a horrible partner.  I feel like a bitch.  Like I just suck at doing this.  I don’t know that I can be nice to someone Noah falls for and that’s not ok.

I’m borrowing trouble.  I have a little less than four years till he’s allowed to go after that kind of thing.  In the mean time I think he should start going to parties to hunt alone.  It’s not don’t ask don’t tell.  I just don’t want to watch.