I've spent the past few weeks reminding myself that my early life was a festering shithole of despair the likes of which very few people survive. I'm running low on empathy for other people. So that seems like the perfect time for me to talk about my expectations of how other people will manage their shit. We all have it. That's fine. If you feel upset by things you are reading on the internet, close the window. If you feel upset by things you are hearing said in person you have two choices, you can try to tactfully change the subject; this is done by hearing a conversation segue and going full steam ahead towards that Shiny Change Of Topic!. Heck, you can even announce, "Look! It's A Shiny Change Of Topic!" as you do it. That's ok. That's a way of trying to be comfortable in conversation.
Or you can get off your ass and walk away. At no point it is it ok for you to start ranting about how people have triggered you and they are all bad bad bad bad people for daring to say something that Hurt Your Feelings.
Wow. Do you think you are the only important person in the world? Do you really believe that in order to be in your life people have to spent 100% of their time doing only activities you approve of? You have issues. Big issues. The kind that can be manipulated by fucked up professionals with lots of training on how to manipulate peoples emotions.
I have a lot of triggers. I could not begin to enumerate them all. They change over time. When I am in a period where I am heavily triggered, I stop participating in the world. I go home. I stop reading other peoples blogs. I stop participating in forums. I still post, because I do so compulsively and I could not stop if I wanted to. But I'm not reading. I don't have the emotional energy to risk looking at other peoples lives. I might get upset. If I get upset I will have days of back lash. I will feel this constant internal struggle between rage and despair because dear god why do people always do this to me? The truth is, they don't always do that to me. It happens sometimes. But when your brain is in whatever chemical state it is in right now sometimes… that's the only state you can remember being in. That's not a rational feeling. That's not a true statement. You have other moods and other ways you feel. Maybe not recently. But life is long.
Deciding that who and what you are right now is so important to preserve that everyone around must change in substantial ways to make you more comfortable uhm, well… that's fucked up. I'll be flat with you. That's disordered thinking. That's having omniscience problem. Get over yourself.
People need to go live their lives and have the experiences they have, for good and bad. The more you try to step in between other people having their lives the farther you are away from having an actual relationship. People are not puppets. The kind of person who will only do what you say is generally kind of icki and I don't want to be near them. People who want to "call the shots" on how I talk about my life makes my skin crawl. That's my fucking trigger. And guess what, I'm a grown up. I go back to my fucking sandbox and I deal with my emotions. In an appropriate way. In a limited way. I'm going to rant through this post and then I am going to roll my eyes and go back to my life. Because I don't need to deal with other people being passive aggressive and control freaks. I have better things to do with my life.
I modify my behavior willingly for the people I live with. They have a right to ask me for concessions. At the same time, I push for time to write because I need it for my mental health. I have to push back there. I have to push back about that universally, across the board. I need to not only say that was an epic party, but holy shit I got to play with two hot girls. One I made smile and one I made cry. I felt honored by both. They both teach me different things about life. And I need to honor the lessons I am learned. That is something that I need for me. I need to figure out how to navigate my triggers in life. Because I have a lot of them. I'm trying to figure out what that means. What can my life look like.
I'll tell you that declaring subjects or locations off-limits for other people… that's not part of the agenda. If it is on your agenda then you should stop dicking around and commit yourself for a while because you are obviously in a place where you are not able to have healthy relationships and you need some intensive therapy for you to figure out that you are not God.
Can I hang out in your sandbox sometimes?
Thank you for writing.
I do have triggers. Fewer than I used to. Time, living in better places, luck, yoga, I can’t point to exactly why.
Most of them I can avoid. I could never be a elementary school teacher. Being around littles all day in a school will flip my shit. I got refreshed on this when work did a Service Project day at an elementary school all day without warning us that it was an elementary school. (They’re crap at giving details or providing information or anything like that, including things like scheduling information. Whatever.)
I dealt. I came close to leaving. I shut down as much as possible and got through it.
But I know that’s enough of a trigger that I don’t GO to elementary schools. And if I have to, I have to calculate what it’s going to cost me and whether I need it enough to make it worth losing a few days of useful Me. Because I will.
The other big one is a particular kind of touch that isn’t in the common range of what people normally would do to each other either socially or sexually. (Intentionally vauge, hell yes.)
I expect people to behave like grown-ups. I don’t expect them not to trigger me. And yeah, when I get triggered, I leave. For as long as I need to.
It’s weird tho, because… it kinda goes both ways. If I’m around people who are constantly poking my buttons, maybe I should be around different people? Or maybe there aren’t any people I can be around? I don’t know.
If I’m around people who are constantly poking my buttons, maybe I should be around different people? Or maybe there aren’t any people I can be around? I don’t know.
Yes, this. (nods emphatically)
I shrug off the occasional trigger, reground, and go back. But if I keep getting poked over and over, maybe I need different friends?
Maybe this is the issue. You are not my friend. I do not want you to censor what you say in my presence. If I have an issue with something you say I will deal with that however I need to. It’s not your responsibility to walk on eggshells around me. I am thinking hard about teaching a class on being a sexual survivor in the bdsm community soon. I will be talking exactly about the things you mention.
Pussyfooting around those things doesn’t make them better. I don’t want you to be “sensitive” I want you to be fucking honest. That’s why you aren’t my friend and you won’t ever be. I am not interested in someone who creates an image of me in their head that they need to be “sensitive” to. No thanks. You don’t even fucking know who I am. How could we be friends if you aren’t willing to talk to me?
No, we aren’t friends. We are distant members of the same community. We are friendly acquaintances. Maybe you need to figure out who your friends are and figure out what kind of boundaries are appropriate at what levels of your monkey sphere.
I do appreciate that rigorous honesty is one of your strategies for safety.
There are certain topics or subjects that I have avoided talking about in your presence, or referencing where you could see them, because of what little I know or have heard about *your* triggers. Like Daddy-daughter roleplaying scenes, or simulated rape or incest scenes, even though I know other friends who are into these. But it would seem unkind to reference these where they might hurt you. So I haven’t. And I try to avoid likewise knowingly stepping on other friends’ buttons.
IMO, that’s not codependent, that’s just being respectful and knowing that I’m *not* the center of the universe and have to talk about whatever comes to mind in front of anyone, whatever the collateral damage to others. Basic politeness. Maybe it’s a Southern thing.
I’m glad you got to play with two hot girls. Talk about your life however you wish, but I could wish you had also filtered who saw your “epic party” exclamation, as it triggered me badly. You can assert that you don’t care, that others have to just deal with their own triggers, etc. But turnabout’s fair play, and so I shouldn’t hesitate in the future to say or do anything that triggers *you*, if it suits my fancy in that moment.
Frankly, I think that approach scrapes, but it seems to be what you want.
It is condescending to extrapolate what other peoples’ triggers are. Maybe you should not read two sentence summaries of other peoples’ lives if it is going to bother you. Seriously.
Hey, on a totally unrelated note, we were sorry not to see you guys at Turkeyfest. Some other time, I hope!
That would be great. 🙂
amen!
” At no point it is it ok for you to start ranting about how people have triggered you and they are all bad bad bad bad people for daring to say something that Hurt Your Feelings.”
I will note that I have (rather recently in fact) asked people to be extra nice around me, but I try to make sure it is for a specific duration and for a specific reason happening in my present life. Shit gets overwhelming and sometimes extra TLC from my friends makes all the difference. In my world, that is fair for anyone to request, so long as it isn’t abused.
But to request people to modify their behavior or conversation in the long term because of my shit? that crosses lines with me. I agree with you, if my shit is overwhelming, it is time to go home and leave the world out of it.
Dude, your dad just freaking died. You aren’t controlling anyone by communicating that you are fragile. You aren’t telling people where to go or what to do or what they can talk about. You have just said that you are fragile. Different.
What she said.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope everyone is giving you the consideration you deserve. Very reasonable.
trigger warning: discussion of triggers
Talking about a party someone didn’t get invited to deserves the same level of concern for those who may be triggered as talking about rape, or torture, or anorexia, or suicide? On what planet?
I can understand that hearing about a party one wasn’t invited to can be triggery for people with various sorts of social anxiety, but if your social anxiety is anywhere close to PTSD in its severity, you should probably stay off places like facebook in general, not just when there’s a party you weren’t invited to.
Re: trigger warning: discussion of triggers
I am not sure I have ever met you but I am friending you on the basis of this comment alone. Thank you.