I had reason to think about something that happened a few years ago.  I placed a casual encounters ad on Craigslist.  I think I only got a couple of responses.  Only one was coherent and comprehensible as English.  Oh, and the one that was a guy from a local bdsm mailing list emailing me directly instead of responding to the ad saying, “I know this is you.  Don’t use so many identifying characteristics in your ad.”  We exchanged two or three short emails and then met at Starbucks near my house.  This was after Puppy dumped me and before Noah asked me to marry him.  The only time I have ever been really single and on my own in my life.  I didn’t have anyone to sleep with and I was horny.  I didn’t want to masturbate again.  It’s just not the same.

So I met this guy.  I have no idea what his name was.  He was a lot nerdier and more shy than I usually go for.  And he told me he was really into oral.  I kind of cringed, but hey I’ll try anything once.  It was incredible.  That was the best oral sex I have ever received in my life.  That man was a God.  I don’t think I have ever experienced so much sensation in my vulva before.  I dissociate pretty quickly most of the time when someone goes down on me.  I had a few experiences (I wrote about them!) that made me feel uncomfortable about people going directly at my crotch.  If someone gets genital very fast I get scared off.  I just close off my ability to feel what they are doing.  Needless to say, I just don’t bother having oral sex much.  It’s fussy and complicated.

Ok, back to this guy.  So we undressed very awkwardly and climbed into my bed.  I giggle a lot when I’m nervous.  I hear it’s charming.  We started experimenting with how to touch one another.  I’m usually very tentative when I first start touching someone.  He was really sensitive.  He didn’t want a lot of touch for himself.  He wanted to pay attention to me.  It’s hard to even explain how he did it.  He didn’t touch anything inside my labia for like twenty minutes, but he was paying a lot of attention to that part of my body.  The crease in my thigh was endlessly fascinating.  By the time he finally touched something more ahem direct.  I melted.  That was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

I’ve never felt ok asking for that kind of thing since.  Or when I have tried it has resulted in a pretty rough rushed entry into harsh genital stimulation.  Then we fuck five minutes later.  It’s just not the same.

I have sex with strangers because sometimes you can shut out everything in the whole wide world and just accept the best part of this person into yourself.  The best thing they can give can be a wonderful thing.  You don’t have to worry about overall compatibility.  It’s not about truly connecting.  I’m not lying to myself.  But the novel experience of getting to try completely different speeds of sex is wonderful.

It’s hard to have that much variety with one person.  Noah and I both have a specific kind of sex that we strongly prefer.  We have trouble figuring out how to change speeds sometimes.  Ok, instead of deflecting I’ll just say it.  Today we were having a very different kind of sex from normal.  Then I started to feel like I was supposed to hurry up and get off and validate that this was a hot experience, right?  It’s kind of my party trick.  But I wasn’t even close.  And trying to make myself do that usually results in some longer lasting discomfort.  It’s really annoying.

Noah didn’t ask me to.  Tell me to.  Or imply that I should.  I think I should.  I think that is something I have to do.  I even know why.  It’s hard to change this setting in my head.  It’s hard to stop having performative sex.  Even when I am alone in a room with my partner I still have to know that the sex we are having would be fairly spectacular to watch.  I don’t do things just because they feel good.  I really don’t like this about myself.

The great thing about writing this out is now Noah can read it.  And he’ll be able to change gears properly.  That’s why I like him so much.  He’ll find a way now that I’ve told him how.  At least once.  Then we’ll go back to the sex we prefer.