As life goes, something happened. I don’t know how to talk about it. I have never been shy with my overall discomfort with nonmonogamy. I feel like I bring that up pretty often and pretty honestly. Doing so apparently created a situation where Noah felt unable to tell me the truth. So he was evasive. He minimized. He said he “didn’t think sex would happen” because it was “just a coffee date.” When he later got the option for it to be more than a coffee date I got an sms… at the time he was supposed to be arriving home.
I want everyone in the audience to pause for 2.5 seconds and imagine how I would feel about Noah renegotiating sex at the last second by sms after telling me it wouldn’t happen…. everyone got that image in their head now?
What I did was respond with nastiness and passive aggression. I didn’t even tell him no. I told him I was angry that he was asking and fuck you and do what you want. I certainly feel like I earned his behavior. I feel like I deserve what he went and did because I am such a nasty bitch why would he want to come home to me any way.
He sent the sms at 10. He came home at 1am. I have done very little but cry since then. What the hell am I going to do? If I didn’t have children I think I would have driven to a bridge and jumped off. Now that the last person I was going to really trust this life time did this to me… what do I have left? What do I really get to hope for? What kind of respect am I ever going to be given? None? Barely any?
I don’t know why I thought that someone like me deserved better. I was lying to myself. Of course this happened. How could any thing other than this happen? I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about Noah’s dates. I didn’t pat him on the back with a big smile and tell him happy hunting. I didn’t encourage him to push for the close. I didn’t expect him to push for sex regardless of all other factors. What the hell was I thinking?
My trust was shattered. I had so little left to start with. I don’t know what to do. The women on MDC say I need to a) stop cutting and b) make a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. I think they may be asking for a bit much. I don’t quite feel like it is fair and accurate to say I need to learn to feel a range of emotions. I think I already do. I feel rage and regret and sadness and depression (love that throat closing feeling); I feel betrayed and unloved and desecrated and violated. This is horrible. My best friend. My lover did this to me.
I suppose I was a little too cocky that my husband would never cheat. Hell, he would never need to! All he has to do is tell me in advance.
Oh well.