Oh gracious.  Someone is coming over to dinner.  Someone I barely know through adult-only venues.  And I’m going to put him in the hot seat of meeting the girls.  Oh goodness.  This probably isn’t a nice thing to be doing to him.  I’m asking him to dinner because he expressed that he liked what he knew of me but he has social anxiety issues so he never really talked to me.  By golly that sounds like someone I can talk to.  We’ll see how it goes.

Today both of the girls are actually asleep for naps.  It’s been an interesting few days for sleep.  And moodiness.  Lots of moodiness.  Well, different moodiness.  More sadness.  My over all anger level is much lower.  There is still a lot of unfinished business and I never like limbo.  Patience, Grasshopper.  Uprooting takes time.  Not everyone uproots in less than forty-eight hours at the slightest provocation.  (I’ve done that multiple times as an adult.  And I can’t count how many as a kid.)

I’m learning a lot about my life during my childhood.  I have a different perspective on interactions now.  I struggle endlessly with my inability to grant forgiveness.  I am trying to understand that people now are not people then.  I can forgive everything that has been done to me as an adult.  I think that is why I generally do not think of my adult less-than-consensual sex as rape, fully.  Because I do not shun the men.  Because I understand their point of view and I know that I did get in over my head.  I courted danger and I let my guard down at the wrong time.  My bad, right?  But now I understand that no one wants to be the bad guy in their own story.  Except for me.  I don’t seem to want to be anything else.

What does it mean to not be the bad guy?  I think I have been an asshole.  I think I have been volatile and threatening.  I have lost my temper in front of people in ways that scared them.  Effectively I lost control.  That makes me the bad guy.  I was telling Shanna just the other day that bad guys can be girls too.

I want to be something else though.  I don’t want to be the bad guy forever.  I hear this involves learning to “let go”.  I’m never sure what of.  They certainly don’t mean of control.  I don’t know what people want.  What does it take to be a good guy?  Damned if I know.

Today both of my children napped.  Tonight someone is coming over to supper.  I’m going to actually cook.  Using ingredients I grew in my yard.  That’s so fucking cool.  I need to go start figuring out food.

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I left off there yesterday.  I’m resuming for no reason beyond I don’t think I have enough mental energy to really write again today.  I feel slow and stupid and sad.  I’m pretty sure this is chemical depression.  I’m trying hard to not get too far mired in the idea that I am a tremendous failure at everything in life.  Just because I can’t do everything that doesn’t make me a failure.  It’s not all or nothing.  Today that is hard to believe because I’m grieving.  My body aches and feels heavy and weary.  It doesn’t really matter how I feel though.  I have chores to get through.  Then I really need to take the kids out of the house.  I’m thinking Discovery Museum.  We are all cooped up and frustrated.

I think I am at the limit of what I can do.  Now I wait.  I wait and feel this creeping sadness.  I failed.  I failed.