Dear J-

You emailed at a bad time. For no particular reason I woke up yesterday feeling much more suicidal than usual. I went on my seven mile run and had to deal with my knees shaking through most of the run because I was crying so hard my body was buckling. I got to Lake Elizabeth and felt a rush of anger at myself that I was so lazy that I stayed in bed till it was light. If it was still dark I could go down to the edge and swim out to the middle and drown myself and no one would be able to see me to rescue me in time.

Then I came home to your email. You want me to worry about you having a panic attack.

I’ll be honest and say that I laughed out loud. I did lol. I laughed. It bubbled up. I bent over laughing. I thought it was that fucking hilarious.

You know what, I’m not interested in a reconciliation. That sounds like work I don’t want to do. I’m kind of busy. I got a lot from our friendship, I’ll be honest. I cared about you a lot. I was looking forward to many years together. But between how you treated me and how you treated K, no thank you. K is one of three people my nearly two year old wants at her birthday party. I am not interested in a relationship with someone who treats me and mine how you do.

I can’t stop you from joining the homeschooling group. That’s not something that is in my authority or power to do. Shanna has asked me if she will ever be allowed to play with R again. I told her that when she is five if she is able to handle the phone and do the arranging I will drive her to and from play dates. If you show up at homeschool events I am certainly not going to be actively rude. I will never attack you physically or verbally. I do not plan to speak to you.

You see, I don’t have time for you. In order to have a relationship with you I would have to worry about you. You have proven yourself to not be someone who is worthy of how much effort that is for me. No thank you.

Krissy

I haven’t decided if I will send this. I love the internet. Thank you for listening to me babble.