You asked me what I am thinking.
I don’t know how to answer.
I don’t know how to tell you what I am thinking.
I am thinking about death.
I am thinking about status and privilege.
I am thinking about how I am a whiny bitch.
I am thinking about how hard it is that I have to fuck you in order to get cuddling.
I am thinking about how frustrating it is that I can no longer disassociate away from my cunt hurting like this.

I’m thinking about how sad I feel that when I talk about privilege my white male friends think I am saying their experience and life doesn’t matter. The fact that I have quietly sat and listened to them for many many many years before standing up and saying that they have to listen to me too–oh well. I am being unreasonable.

Sometimes it feels like I am supposed to stop existing so they can have all the space there is. They will certainly shout me down to take up all the speaking space. But I’m imagining things. They’ve never said anything sexist. They are victims just as much as anyone.

We are all victims. But some of us are victims making $100,000/year and some of us are victims making $20,000/year. Not me. I make nothing. But it’s a choice. I could have been making $60,000 right now because I have benefited from a lot of privilege. Not everyone gets to make the choice to be worthless. Most people work as hard as they can and are still told that their efforts are worth very little money. That means nothing. Those people are just lazy. Or stupid. Or something. Just less.

Oh I forgot. You have what you have because you worked harder. You wanted it more. You deserved it more.

I won’t talk about it again. I’m sorry I mentioned that it sucks that you had help that other people don’t get. I’m sorry that I mentioned that it sucks that you had a life I can’t really imagine having.

Yes yes. Being ignored and made fun of is terrible. I know. I had that happen too. In between people chasing me with rocks and sticks. Yes, someone punched you once. I understand that is terrible. I’ve been punched too. It really sucks.

I think that seeing as how I am supposed to only talk when you want me to and only think what you want me to and only fuck when you want me to…

I don’t think I want to be here. I feel stupid. I feel petty. I feel as selfish as I am. I don’t want to be here to continually tell you how awesome you are. I’m tired of being a fan club. I’m tired of being a cheerleader. I’m tired of telling you that you are so awesome and so smart and so worthwhile.

Because I don’t hear you say it back to me unless I badger the shit out of you. And then it’s grudging. After I’ve given you what you want.

I think that if I am stupid enough to pick a life where I am dependent on someone else then I deserve what I get and what I don’t get.

That’s what I’m thinking about.