Remember that guy who said he would apologize for tazoring my vulva? Well it’s been two months. I’m not actually shocked that he didn’t do as he promised. Really it’s much more what I expect of people.

I cried for hours yesterday. Today is a homeschooling event so I have to pretend to be just fine. I have to teach Irish dancing. (Thank goodness for that boyfriend giving me an illegal copy of the instruction manual.) Today will end. I will be able to come home and cry after.

Yesterday during one of my sobbing fits the kids were cuddling me (I explain these as: sometimes people get sad and cry. It happens to everyone. It’s ok to be sad sometimes.) and Shanna was talking about the Valentines she is going to make for next year. (They had a library book out on the subject so Valentines Day is one of her favorite holidays.) I said, “Do you realize that you made Valentines for all of your homeschooling friends and your relatives in Texas and your sister and your dad but you didn’t make one for me?” The look on her face was pure horror. Later in the day when I was in another room she used a ladder to get into the Valentines stuff (it’s supposed to be off-limits) and she made one for me. She told me that this is next years early so that she doesn’t mess up again. She doesn’t want me to feel left out. I didn’t even yell at her for getting into stuff. I actually consciously didn’t give any Valentines because I knew I wouldn’t get any and I didn’t want that slap in the face.

My friend came over yesterday after reading my blog. She was worried about me. On one hand I feel really bad that I make people worry about me. On the other hand I can either be honest about what is happening inside my head or I can let people be totally surprised if I off myself one day. I choose to tell the truth.

I feel really bad for existing right now. Buck up or shut the fuck up. Be inspirational and happy and cheerful or shut up. Be nice. Be good. I can’t be. It’s too late.