This is disjointed and out of order. I’m cut’n’pasting from else’net where someone asked me to explain rape and power and hitting people to them. It is a little disjointed because I took out personally identifying information.

Rape happens because someone who has power, either conferred through age or social status or physical strength or emotional intensity, pushes through to sex with someone who is not an appropriate partner. That is kind of the “full” explanation. It’s not that rape is “about power” per se. It is that it must involve a power imbalance.

The sexual drive is really intense, lack of control over it is dangerous. Most people contain it most of the time–we are socialized to. People can either deal with their sex drive in a positive way or a negative way. Having sex can be positive or negative. Not having sex can be positive or negative. None of these things are imbued with a rightness inherently. Just like prostitution does not always involved victimized people–sometimes people make conscious choices to have a career doing something they like.

I know people in the bdsm community who do the most extreme things you can imagine. I’ve watched them do a lot of it. I have done many of the things on the safety “no-no” list. The difference between bdsm and rape is consent. That is the only difference. In my opinion bdsm *is* abusive actions that have been placed in a permissible setting. Actions are not inherently good or bad. Hitting someone is not automatically evil. There are levels to hitting people. Why you are hitting someone matters. If you hit them because it arouses them and you both think that is fun and they consented… it’s not evil.

I know a lot of people who have no trauma history who genuinely get off on the strong sensation involved in bdsm. I have spent enough years watching this and thinking about it. This is a genuine thing. It’s kind of weird, but ok.

Hitting is one of those things where you don’t have the right to do it just because you want to. If someone is a professional boxer they are not allowed to go around punching people in the grocery store. There is a time and place and a consent process. Some people consent to acts. Some people consent to processes.